Rawr...Love.
I ended up going out with my best friend today...It was kind of fun. I just felt extremely nausiated and sick and I got kind of pissy with her...For which I feel bad. But...She just got me thinking about Ken and me. She told me that I don't seem like I'm all that happy with what he and I have...And that he doesn't think he and I will last. To be perfectly honest, I don't expect it to...I know I'm not really what he wants...Maybe I am what he wants right now...But maybe in a month or so...He'll figure something better to want. That sort of stuff just worries me. It's the very reason why I can't seem to make myself give my most intimate parts to him...I don't want them to rejected or hurt. I know hewouldn't do any of that on purpose...And I know that he loves me...But only for now. I guess in a way I'm not happy...Only in the sense that I expect it to end and because I expect it to end I refuse to allow it to get too deep.*Sigh* he'd be mad if he knew that. But then again, I should keep perspective. He wouldn't be mad about this...We've only been together for a short time...And I know he doesn't expect us to last either. I make mountains out of molehills. I guess I'm just scared to allow myself to be completely open to someone again...Look where it got me last time. I was hurt by everything she said or did...If she so much as mentioned another girl I thought she was going to break up with me. I don't want to do that again...I don't want to be so in love...Or infatuated...Whichever...That that happens again. I doubt he'd even want me to be like that...I don't think he'd do well with me in 'jealous-psychotic' mode. I don't know...Audrey just got me thinking...And now I'm forced to wonder...What the Hell is going to happen? And what does he want to happen in the future? Anything? I expect too much too fast...But...I just can't seem to help it. I want to know what to envision my future...And right now all I can envision is a lonely house with a fat spinster within.
