Random down
Alright...I'm really starting to scare myself. I had a sezuire in the bathtub and spewed blood all over the place just after I finished smoking a cigarette(If I'm going to smoke at home...I have to do it in the bathroom before a bath...That way the smoke can pass as steam and I have an excuse to be locked away undisturbed for at least half an hour...Up to over an hour). Is it because of my eating disorder? Am I too stressed? Have I hurt my body somehow really badly? Did I eat something really bad for me? Is it the smoking? I don't think it's the smoking...I've been trying to quit. People think it's so great...That I'm trying to better my health, increase my life expetancy, avoiding serious problems before they start...This is the only place and the only time I'll ever admit this but it's really because smoking reminds me so much of Ken and I just want to forget him. Everyone thinks I'm over him, but I'm really just ignoring him and everything that had to do with him. I just don't want to think about him...I gave him a part of me that I never should of...I probably wasn't ready, and it was definantly a mistake. I shouldn't have done it until I was comfertable with myself and how I looked...I shouldn't have until I knew he loved me...Shouldn't have unless I thought he was the one. But, I didn't. I didn't wait, I just did it.
And you know what else people think? People think I'm happy. They think I don't think about killing myself, they think I don't want to hurt myself, or run far far away and start all over. My best friend keeps telling me how I'm not really all that depressed anymore.It's laughable that I manage to fool even the person that I consider closest to me. She keeps telling me my life is better. Audrey, I really hate to tell you this, but no it isn't. I have to leave class randomly just so I can go cry or cut or force myself to get it all together. I've given up hope. And then she had the nerve to tell me it's a phase. My entire fucking life is a phase! The reason why I seem happier is because I don't dare hope for anything...When I hope,when I want, when I speak up,I'malways shot down and disappointed. Hope is like love, a slow form of suicide.
Speaking of love...Gustavo doesn't really seemto want to accept that I won'tgo out with him. I wish he'd just let it go...I want to be just friends with him. He's a great guy, he's fun to be with, but my friend likes him...Not only does my friend like him, but once he really got to know me...He wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore. That's how guys are....Girls too. They don't want to be friends after they figure out who I really am but they ask for formality. Also...I do really have a crush on David...And I don't know...But he's just so easy to talk to. He's easy to relate to, and I like talking to him about absolutely nothing and everything and playing around with him...I just really like him. Maybe that's a rebound type thing. Whatever. I like him...And I can't date someone else when I really like one person.
And you know what else people think? People think I'm happy. They think I don't think about killing myself, they think I don't want to hurt myself, or run far far away and start all over. My best friend keeps telling me how I'm not really all that depressed anymore.It's laughable that I manage to fool even the person that I consider closest to me. She keeps telling me my life is better. Audrey, I really hate to tell you this, but no it isn't. I have to leave class randomly just so I can go cry or cut or force myself to get it all together. I've given up hope. And then she had the nerve to tell me it's a phase. My entire fucking life is a phase! The reason why I seem happier is because I don't dare hope for anything...When I hope,when I want, when I speak up,I'malways shot down and disappointed. Hope is like love, a slow form of suicide.
Speaking of love...Gustavo doesn't really seemto want to accept that I won'tgo out with him. I wish he'd just let it go...I want to be just friends with him. He's a great guy, he's fun to be with, but my friend likes him...Not only does my friend like him, but once he really got to know me...He wouldn't even want to be my friend anymore. That's how guys are....Girls too. They don't want to be friends after they figure out who I really am but they ask for formality. Also...I do really have a crush on David...And I don't know...But he's just so easy to talk to. He's easy to relate to, and I like talking to him about absolutely nothing and everything and playing around with him...I just really like him. Maybe that's a rebound type thing. Whatever. I like him...And I can't date someone else when I really like one person.
XOXO