Pretty up
It's sad when you can just tell someone has given up on you. When they don't care anymore if you succeed or if you just slip through the cracks. It's sad to know that once upon a time they would have been disappointed in you...But now they just say whatever. Moms' given up on me.I got TWO fucking Ds on my report card...And she doesn't even care. All she said was...Oh,so the only REAL classes you're taking you can't pass. I have A's in half my classes! I have a C in psychology(which I'm not proud of) and then two big Ds. I hate myself for being so stupid. I was having such a good day too...It was raining when I woke up, and everyone loved my script for drama, I got to write my story for most of English and even though none of my group was around during lunch really...I had fun with Alex and Derrek. Then I got an F on my fucking history paper...But I was expecting that. You can't write a good history paper in 45 minutes. But then I failed my geometry test! I couldn't believe it.I was so upset. And then I go home and mom is a in a bad mood and just being really cutting with all of her comments. Telling me the only thing the matter with me is I don't eat enough and my suicide attempts were never real and I never really cut and all of that was fake to get attention. Why would she say that stuff to me? I don't know what the Hell is the matter with me...But I know food doesn't fix it. I've been in a pretty up mood these past couple days. Although I have had those really dark moments where life just seemed like it should end because it sucked so much. And I've been feeling extra fat and hideous. But just the prospect of New York this Summer...That makes me so happy that I can't even begin to describe. I really hope IHOP hires me...Although I should probably start applying at more places. I could try Longs too...I mean, it's already my second home...Might as well. On the bright side though...Audrey and I are going to a play tongiht. I've really missed her. I haven't seen her since Ken and I broke up. I really hate being alone...That's one thing I've undoubtedly discovered. I hate not having someone to talk to, or just to play around with...But I guess that's how life goes. You're either too alone or too crowded. Never pefect. I guess I've been feeling generally happier...But there's still that darkness underlaying it all...You know? During the daytime...I'm usually alright...But it's the night I have problems with. Because I know I'm alone and that tomorrow I'm still going to be alone and the next day and the next until something happens...But something might never happen and I might always be alone. I know I'm not really alone...I have my friends, and I have Audrey, and Pyro and Suki and Ashes...But they aren't always there. Or sometimes they aren't enough. I dunno..Maybe this is just a post breaking thing...Or just a teenage angst thing. Anyways, on a lighter note, I'm getting a tattoo next week probably! Richele's ex boyfriend is coming back in town to visit and he's 18 so he's going to act as my guardian and then all three of us are going up to SF and I'm going to get inked! Way awesome...Mom would turn purple if she found out.
