Pretending
I just need to keep writing...As long as I can write...I can pretend...I can pretend that the world isn't falling apart at the seams and I'm not left alone quaking in the middle of the rubble. I can pretend that there isn't some fat whore that I'm expected to fight....Not expected, but it's my...Duty for lack of better word. I can pretend that Jordan isn't ignoring my calls...I can pretend that I don't care that today would be the day I graduated highschool if I'd only stayed in...I can pretend that my entire body is hurting, that I'm not near tears because of both physical and emotional pain. I can pretend that I'm not alone and that I don't want somebody near me just to tell me it's okay...I can pretend that I give a fuck about myself and my body enough to eat or even to shower...I need to keep writing...I need to keep my mind from thinking too hard...I feel so fucking empty inside...Like there's a giant chasm where all my vital organs should be and insteaed my body is slowly tearing itself apart. It hurts...I actually stop and physically wince. I'm too young for this...For this insane depression...And if I could just get a hold of Jordan...I think everything would be okay...But I can't because he's in his own little world of pain and unhappiness and I can't reach him because I killed my cell phone by taking it for a walk in the sprinklers with me. Stupid bitch. I need...I need this to go away...I need to feel better...I need something...Something to make this okay.
