I cry through my skin.

 I don't understand. Anything. I don't understand why a guy whom I was certain thought of as merely an aquaintance thinks of me as an object of desire...I don't understand why my cat won't come inside...I don't understand why it seriously feels like I'm dying. I don't understand anything. Please help. I don't understand why I don't feel better even after I smoked...Why I feel fatter even though my clothes tell me I'm losing weight...I don't understand why I keep fainting or just anything. And on top of everything else...My mother is a frickin' idiot. She goes and makes sure she's pretty much fired from her main job, then she quits her other job...All the while thinking she can get some better job. Doesn't she understand how this world works? If you don't know how to do anything..You can't do anything. She has no tolerence for people, can't type, doesn't understand business, isn't particularly pretty, and she doesn't even have anything to fall back on when times get harsh. Is that what a midlife crisis looks like? Throwing everything away because you don't want to do it anymore. I keep hoping that maybe things will get better...Maybe John will stop being a psychopath, maybe Mom will understand that she has to work for a living, maybe I'll stop being the source of everyone's fucking problems and maybe my sister will stop pointing it out. Everyon e tells me how irresponsable I am for not having a job...What sort of job could I get? I'm as useless as my mother. And I don't even have a highschool degree! Besides that...All my stupid phobias eliminate most jobs I could potentially get. I'm such a stupid invalid. I should go die. People always tell me...I'm pretty I'm special I'm unique...I'M NOT! I wish I were...I wish I could be what they want me to be...I wish I could be a well adjusted girl...I wish I came from a normal family...I wish I didn't have to worry about whether or not I can even live here anymore...Or whether my death would be a blessing in disguise because it would bring about more money. I wish I didn't have to think that I'm always doing the wrong thing...That everyone would be better off without me...But I do. I can't help but think how much more everyone would smile and laugh and be happy if I just weren't around anymore. And then I wonder...Why was I born? Was I just the undesirable product of a night of passion? Am I someone's punishment? Am I just completely alone in the world? It doesn't matter. I don't know...I don't understand...I just want to stop being so sad. I hope Audrey can come over...She's had a shit day too...Maybe if we're together shit+shit=Happy? 8 days no cutting...Sorry, but I gotta wreck that.