I cry through my skin.

 I had a bit of a breakdown today. I sat alone in a secluded corner of a shopping mall and cried for about fifteen minutes follow by contemplation of jumping off the side of the building. I'm just not getting over this stupid breakup thing with Ken.I guess because it's all my fault...And I might be able to fix it if only I were willing to make myself into something completely different. I keep thinking that he might want me back if I called him and told him I can change, that I would change, if he'd only take me back. It's illogical...And I won't do it but it's just something that keeps gnawing at me. Even if I DID do that...He wouldn't take me back. It was made clear to me that there were other things fucked up other than my lack of talking. I don't know why I want him to want me back...It wasn't that fairy tale love that I've always dreamed of. It wasn't absolute passion and complete adoration and it didn't drown out the rest of the world...Not to say I didn't love him(I did and still do...Another reason why I can't shake these fucking feelings)...Just that it wasn't what complete love should be. I don't think that he and I had complete love...We had part of love. But, it wasn't good enough. I'm never really good enough. I really wish I could have been different. I wish I could have seen the signs and made sure that I fixed things. I wish I still had him...But wishes don't count. If wishes counted trying to be different would have counted...Trying to talk would have counted. Trying to be what he asked of me would have counted. But it didn't, and no matter how many stars I wish on...No matter if I were to go before the Goddess and beg her...Even if I were to cast a magic spell...It doesn't and wishes don't mean anything other than I can't controle my own life. I find out today Skye's talking shit about me around NH. She's making it out like I was a terriable person. That really hurt me...I mean...I don't talk shit about her. I don't tell anyone what sort of shit she did to me(people who read this excluded)...I just pretend that I don't know her. And I really don't anymore. So I don't understand why she has to go and tell people I'm a bad person. I don't know where any of this is going...I don't know why Ken and Skye and my own inatiquities(sp?) make me start crying. I don't know why I can't seem to be good enough for anyone...Or why I can't seem to ever find someone who is the type of person I need if it's going to work. I just want to turn back time...I want to go way back...Way, way back...Tell mom not to get the diaphram...Just get a shot or take a pill or something along those lines. I really wish I'd never been born and I don't have the guts to put a bullet in my brain. If I'd never been born everyone would be so much happier...Things just would have worked out better. 
 However, there have been some posative aspectsto my day.I filled out applications to work at PETCO and IHOP...I really want IHOP. I'd get to meet people and I'd get to work on several phobias at once. Although I wouldn't complain if I got PETCO instead...I'll apply to other places too of course...But those are the ones I did today. Also, Audrey and I are going to New York City this Summer...Since we're both going to have jobs we're going to save as much as possiable and get plane tickets and then stay in some really cheap-ass motel. We're going to try to get my Dad to chaperone us. I'm really excited about that...New York, New York...My dream. And I get to go there with my best friend. Maybe all the other girls get to go to Europe, get pretty new cars, go to Hawaii and buy anything on whim... But I get to go to my dream. And that's better than all of that. Just thinking about that helps...I was dumped, I'm a bad person, there isn't anyone out there to love me, BUT I get to go to New York with my best friend and live my dream for an entire week!!!