Love...Or Something..
I don't understand myself. I have a great boyfriend...Who seems to be interested in me...And then I go into an all paranoid 'he loves me not' spaz attack. I know it's really early in the relationship...So I don't know why I keep wanting things to be so serious. I just want to know if he's it, if he loves me for real or if he just wants in my pants, or what. I can't know any of that though. I mean, we've only been dating for a little over a month now. In said month, we've had quite a few falling outs and have come close to breaking up a few times. I don't know if he CAN be it...It's not like I expect him to be...Or even think he is. He doesn't want anything I want...I want to be married and have kids and live in a nice house in somewhere far away where it snows and where Mr. Right and I can live happily ever after. He doesn't even think that's possiable. He doesn't want to be married, or have kids...Or so he says. A lot of the time he tells me 'no babies!' but then he'll tell me that it's fine if we have two kids as long as one is a boy. I don't know...I just don't want to get hurt again. It seems inevitable. He tells me not to have such a fatalistic view on the relationship because it makes it seem like I don't want to be in it...I do, I just don't want to have to deal with the hurt again. Last time I almost killed myself...And I still get upset whenever just her name comes up. I guess I'm scared of love. I want to know what's going to happen and when and with who. I mean, I love Ken...I'm in love with him...But...I want to know what's going to happen. I guess there's a reason we don't know though...If I knew, I'd plan around meeting Mr. Right and I wouldn't focus on what I have now and therefore I would alter my entire lifeplan because I wouldn't be living life I'd be waiting to live life....I think I just had an insightful moment. Damnit. I guess I need to just wait and see...I mean, worse case scenario...He's not the right one for me and I end up heartbroken. I've lived through it before...I can do it again...Right? Besides...It's a one in a million chance even meeting your one true love in highschool...Let alone dating him! I'm just going to let it flow...If it ends...It ends. I'm going to have to be okay with that.
