Impossiable promise
What the heck was I thinking? I promised Ken I wouldn't cut if he quit smoking. I can't quit cutting!!!! I need it! I don't want to quit cutting...It doesn't make sense to anyone...I know it doesn't help...But it makes me feel better. It takes my mind off of whatever is hurting me or pissing me off for a brief second and I can push it to the back of my mind. I can't do that without it.
Yesterday's school meeting went terriably. I sat in a room full of adults who were convinced I was crazy for an entire hour as they stared at me and went over how crazy I was. They showed my answers to some questions to my parents!!!!! I wouldn't have answered honestly if I knew they were going to do that!!!!!!! They think my self esteeme is low. THey're stupid. My self esteeme is perfect. I know exactly what I am, but no one else will admit it. Why can't they just be honest? Why can't they tell me I'm fat and I eat too much and I'm stupid and people don't like me? It's not going to hurt me. I already know it, things I already know don't hurt me. I think I'm having a mild anxiety attack. I can't breathe so well right now. I can't believe I promised I'd stop cutting...I can't believe my parents know how emo I am...I can't believe any of this! Tell me I'm dreaming...I can't do this. I can't handle it. I just can't. I can't do all of this at once...I can't go back to school, be happy, make friends, and stop cutting all at once. I'm going to frickin' explode.
Yesterday's school meeting went terriably. I sat in a room full of adults who were convinced I was crazy for an entire hour as they stared at me and went over how crazy I was. They showed my answers to some questions to my parents!!!!! I wouldn't have answered honestly if I knew they were going to do that!!!!!!! They think my self esteeme is low. THey're stupid. My self esteeme is perfect. I know exactly what I am, but no one else will admit it. Why can't they just be honest? Why can't they tell me I'm fat and I eat too much and I'm stupid and people don't like me? It's not going to hurt me. I already know it, things I already know don't hurt me. I think I'm having a mild anxiety attack. I can't breathe so well right now. I can't believe I promised I'd stop cutting...I can't believe my parents know how emo I am...I can't believe any of this! Tell me I'm dreaming...I can't do this. I can't handle it. I just can't. I can't do all of this at once...I can't go back to school, be happy, make friends, and stop cutting all at once. I'm going to frickin' explode.
By the sounds of it, your body is perfect. You do have low self-asteam. You are far better then you give yourself credit for. I know this for a fact. Take deep breaths and think of this: One person cares so much, she prays daily for you. One person loves you more then can ever be expressed by words. One person wishes you to have a wonderful life and enjoy your life to the fullest. I may never meet you, or hug you, or get drunk with you, but I love you.
There aren't enough roses in the world to show how much I care.
Valarie