I feel so empty...
Mood: Depressed, suicidal, alone
It finally hit me. My friend killed herself. I feel responsible. I keep thinking that maybe if I had gone out with her...If maybe I'd said I love you too then she'd still be here. I feel so fucking stupid. When Skye called me that day...She told me over and over and I didn't even fucking remember who she was. How could I not remember her? GINGER. How could I forget Ginger? She was beautiful...I'm not even just saying that...She had these eyes that were just...So deep. It hit me today, out of nowhere. I remembered her face, I remembered the tape she made me for Christmas...Then I remembered how she begged me to go out with her.
And Jordan and I are fighting...Or we were. He got mad at me because I'm insecure and because whenever I see his ex or he talks about her I get scared. He told TIFFANY that he was mad at me, that he was thinking we weren't gonna work. He talked to my friend about our problems and didn't bother mentioning them to me? I dunno...That just seems fucked up to me.
Skye and I are talking again. She told me she still loves me. After all this time. Surprisingly, it hurt. I didn't expect it too...I got over her so long ago...And then outta nowhere she calls me and we talk and we start talking about us...And she tells me she loves me...And...I wanted to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me...I want to cut...But I'm trying to stop...I don't have any cancer sticks to distract me, and I want to talk to my boyfriend...But he doesn't have a phone. I want to reach out and touch somebody, but nothing seems real. This pain inside of me...It's curled up in a tight ball in the bottom of my heart...That's all that's real. Even looking at my hands as I type, it's like I'm dreaming.
I want to cry for all things lost...But I can't. There's nothing to cry for because I never had anything to begin with. The tears well up, but they won't fall over. I might as well be dead...There's no use in feeling this way.
