I cry through my skin.

 I talked to Skye today...Actually talked...She called me...She begged me to go back with her...She told me how much she loves me and how I'm all she can think about and how she thinks that it could work if we'd just give it another chance. She told me how much she wants to be with me again...And now here we go with the tears again. I love her...WHy? Why do I love her? She hurt me so many times! Yet...I can't stop loving her. Last night I had a bit of a revelation...I wrote it in my real diary...The one for my eyes only that I use a pen and paper for. But, I'll brief it in here.  Basically...I want a lover to make me feel like I'm worth something I know that's wrong..That's not what love is for. Someone else loving me can't make up for me loving myself. No one can make me feel like I'm worth something, I have to make myself feel that way. I hate admitting that. Maybe that's part of the reason why I can't  let go of Skye...Despite all the crap and all the arguements and everything she always made me feel like I was worth something. How selfish. I didn't cut last night...Be proud. Worst I did was a little burning...Nothing major...Didn't even leave a mark. However, I am being stupid again. Getting back into bulimia. I've been throwing up everything I've eaten for the past week. I know it's stupid, I know it's harmful, I know in the long run it will probably just make me fatter...So...Why do I do it?  I don't know. I just don't. All I know is...I want to be skinny. I want to be pretty. People tell me I am...But...I don't see it...And before I can believe them...I need to believe it myself. Also, I've decided...Until I approve of myself, at least like myself, I am not allowed to have a romantic relationship. Maybe it doesn't make sense to anyone out there reading this...But...It makes sense to me...And I guess that's what's important.