I Scare Me
What's wrong with me? I mean honestly? Why am I such a bad person? Why can't I get over my own fucking issues and help someone else out? Why do I have to go and lie about it instead? I told my best friend that I was going out with Ken today....And she really wanted me to come over because she's having such a bad day. I'm not going out with Ken today....I'm just about an inch and a half away from slitting my wrists and I don't feel like taking on anyone else's luggage right now. I'm so fucking selfish. I SHOULD just go kill myself. No one can ever love me or even like me...I'm just such a bad person.
I don't even know why I'm in such a depressed state. I was doing great earlier...My friend, Mykael, really helped me sort out some of my eating disorder stuff. She made it clear to me that she thought I was pretty and thin the way I am. I don't know...She just made me feel like...Maybe I was human. I know it sounds weird...But I've never been able to believe I'm made of quite the same stuff everyone else is...It's like they're all great, wonderful people and I'm...Me. A stupid, egocentric, selfish, bitch who can't even get off her own stupid ass to help one of the only people in the world she considers close. Although, to be honest, I'm not even sure if my best friend and I are that close anymore. I can't really talk to her anymore...I can't call her up in tears and tell her I want to jump off a cliff and die...I can't tell her about mom and John fighting...Or Cassie being a bitch. I know she wants me to...I know she expects me to...But I can't. Every time I see her or talk to her...The words just don't come. It's like that with everyone. It's not really that I don't want to reach out...I just...Can't. It's like there's a wall between me and them...And I can see and hear them...But I can't touch them. If I did, I'd give them my deadly disease. Whatever the Hell I have. I don't know...I just want out of my head. I want out of my LIFE. It's not that I want to die...I just don't want to live. I don't want to deal with the aches and pains...And I know that's what makes living so unique. In death, you don't get that. You can't truely appreciate happiness until you've hurt long and hard...But even so...I'm sick of hurting so badly. I haven't cut all week...But Ican't not do it anymore. I'm scared that I might hurt myself badly...But that's a chance I'm willing to take at this point. I don't care if I hurt...As long as this is the last time.
I don't even know why I'm in such a depressed state. I was doing great earlier...My friend, Mykael, really helped me sort out some of my eating disorder stuff. She made it clear to me that she thought I was pretty and thin the way I am. I don't know...She just made me feel like...Maybe I was human. I know it sounds weird...But I've never been able to believe I'm made of quite the same stuff everyone else is...It's like they're all great, wonderful people and I'm...Me. A stupid, egocentric, selfish, bitch who can't even get off her own stupid ass to help one of the only people in the world she considers close. Although, to be honest, I'm not even sure if my best friend and I are that close anymore. I can't really talk to her anymore...I can't call her up in tears and tell her I want to jump off a cliff and die...I can't tell her about mom and John fighting...Or Cassie being a bitch. I know she wants me to...I know she expects me to...But I can't. Every time I see her or talk to her...The words just don't come. It's like that with everyone. It's not really that I don't want to reach out...I just...Can't. It's like there's a wall between me and them...And I can see and hear them...But I can't touch them. If I did, I'd give them my deadly disease. Whatever the Hell I have. I don't know...I just want out of my head. I want out of my LIFE. It's not that I want to die...I just don't want to live. I don't want to deal with the aches and pains...And I know that's what makes living so unique. In death, you don't get that. You can't truely appreciate happiness until you've hurt long and hard...But even so...I'm sick of hurting so badly. I haven't cut all week...But Ican't not do it anymore. I'm scared that I might hurt myself badly...But that's a chance I'm willing to take at this point. I don't care if I hurt...As long as this is the last time.
