Hmm
My first day on my journey back to sick hasn't gone so badly. I've only eaten about 800 calories today...Which is still disgusting and despicable...But still..It's a step in the right direction. I came home sick with a horriable headache...It wasn't even so much that my head even hurt as I didn't want to deal with school...With all those people and all their thoughts. Gustavo called me a couple of hours ago...But I didn't get the call...I wonder what he wanted? He's acting more like a boyfriend nowadays...Being huggy and all that. Which is nice...Except for the fact that it seems kind of forced. I've really decided to do it though...The going back to an eating disorder. I don't know whether to be proud or disgusted. I know being sick isn't anything to be proud of...But being thin and beautiful is. That's the only way I can get there...Through the extremes. I know I'm probably making a mistake and I won't think I'm beautiful...But other people might. I dunno...I'm just really tired of being me. I'm tired of being the fat ugly girl. The pity case. I won't be it anymore...I won't tolerate people staring at me in sympathy anymore. I not going to be fat anymore. I just won't.
