I cry through my skin.

 What happens after you die? What happens if you die by your own hand? They tell me you live it over again...This life that is, until you get it right...But if you couldn't handle it the first time...What makes God think you can handle it a second time? When you get so deeply into the pain that you can't see the light...You can't reach out, you can't tell anyone. You want to, but your tongue is made of lead and the world that the other people are in seems just so far away. You talk, but your words are so empty, they aren't what you want to say. What you want to say is someone, please help me, someone notice me and all the hurt that's lodged inside of my soul. But they never do, and it seems like it's because they don't care. And then they don't notice that you've stopped going out, you've stopped talking, they don't notice that your smile doesn't reach your eyhes...They just don't look closely enough to see what you want them to see but you're so scared of them seeing. And it makes you wonder...Did they ever look at all? Did they ever see you or were you just another passing form with no meaning that stuck around. You're always alone, and you're scared to let anyone in. You're so afraid that if anyone knew, they'd know how fucked up you are and they would never talk to you anymore. I don't know if I'm afraid of death, but I'm afraid that this is the only chance I get. What if this is the only life I get? It's a waste...Sixteen years, and where am I? I've tried to end it more times than I can count...I've been so alone for most of that...I've always been the outcast. And the less I feel, the more I seem to talk. The more I just want to forget the empty void in the depths of my being..The more I just want to put something in that space to substitute for whatever is really supossed to be there.

 But what's the point? What's the point in life, in death, love or hate? It's all forgotten. Your life is never going to be looked at again after you're gone, no one will care. Most the time people don't care when you're living and you might as well be dead because how can you prove you're alive if no one even realizes you're breathing? Life is hurt, and that pain is the only thing that makes sure you know you're alive...That's why I know I'm alive. At the very core  of my heart...I'm hurting so badly that I'm almost numb to everything else. People talk to me, but I don't hear anything they're saying. I walk without direction, I don't even know if I'm moving anymore. I know that I'm still breathing, but I don't know how or why. My brain just won't stop and because of it I just have this incredable burning pain behind my eyes and all over the front of my head and it hurts so badly but I almost don't care because it's a welcome distraction from all the other hurt.