Mood: Depressed, suicidal
Does any one else ever feel like giving in? Just being what they want because you're already so dead inside? Does it ever hurt so much that you'd rather die than live through it...But you can't because you're afraid of hurting other people? I want to cut. I want to hurt myself. I want to see my fucking blood and know that I'm alive. I don't feel alive right now...All I feel is hurt. If this is living, what the Hell does death feel like? What does happiness feel like? Joy? What does waking up and actually wanting to go out and go for the day feel like? The certainty that it's going to be a good day? What's inner light like? To not sleep with the lights on, a candle lit, or even your cell phone on just so you know that you're safe? Even if you're not...It's nice to pretend. It's nice to pretend that you can be that light...That you can be pure, bright and happy. You can make someone's day better...Just by existing. Instead of hurting it. I hurt everyone's day...I bring them down...Because I'm so fat and ugly. What's it like to look forward to your birthday? To living another 50 years? To know that one day all your dreams will come true? My dreams are going to end up forgotten..On the back burner where they can just boil away til nothing until the pot is just sitting there and I'm wondering what it was for in the first place. Boiling away...I wish my body would boil away...So I could be bones...Beautiful, clean, bones. Bones feel nothing...Bones don't hurt, they don't injure, they just sit there smiling and being happy. All that boils away with me are my dreams...I'm running out of happy and hope to keep me going...What happens when I get to empty? Is it like a car and I just sit there emptly until someone helpful comes along and gives me some happy or some hope? But since I am the car...I am also the driver...I'd have to leave myself on the freeway and walk until I find happy and hope for sale. Of course people say, make your own happy and your own hope. I can't fucking do that anymore...I can't make my own happy, I'm out of it. I'm out of my fucking mind...I'd love to be just what they want me to be...I'd love to be their happy little minion...But I can't. No matter how hard I try...I can't. I'm not good enough...I'm not what they want me to be...I'm just an abandoned car on the freeway...Waiting.
