Fucked up.
I'm fucked up...And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being everything that I am. I hate myself for getting my boyfriend arrested...I hate myself for listening to everyone telling me that it's my fault. I hate myself for not being stronger...For not being smarter...For not fighting when I know I should...I hate myself for not dying...I hate myself for not letting lying dogs lay. I hate myself for being everything I am...I hate myself for everything inside of me.
I am everything I never wanted. I've become exactly what I said I wouldn't. I stare at the world, and it's not real. I don't even know what's real anymore. When I look in the mirror, that's not me. When I see pictures, who the Hell is she? When I'm talking...It's not my voice...That's not my laugh...Those aren't my thoughts. It's like there's a stranger inside of me...And that stranger has poisoned me...Beaten me into submission. I hate what I've become. And because of what? Drugs? Sex? What? What do I blame? Is it because of weakness? Because of stupidity? What is it about me that's made me the way I am? What can I do to change it?
I can't stand being with myself...Hearing my thoughts...It hurts. I can't stand looking at my sorry face in the mirror...Those wide, vacant eyes with shadows underneath them...I can't stand talking to people...Because I know I'm poison and I kill them. I just need to go away...I need to go somewhere that I can't hurt anybody...Somewhere that I can get better...That I can get stronger and become something other than the evil that everyone hates so much.
I want to cut myself but I don't have the energy. I don't think I'd even enjoy the pain. I want to kill myself but I don't see the point...Because I won't fucking die. I want to run away...But they'll just catch me...They'll just bring me back and force me back into submission. I just want to escape...But there's no way out. This is here to stay. And if I could escape it...If I could become the girl I know I'm supossed to be...If I could become anything...Anything at all besides this...I would. But instead I'm here. I'll take all your blame...I will be everything you hate because that's what you want me to be. And I'm trying so hard to please you...To make you happy...But nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm never good enough...For anybody. Including myself.
It's my fucking fault Jordan's locked away!!!! It's my fault he's not out wandering around...Doing nothing, doing everything. It's my fault that his brother hates me and that now he and I can probably never have a happily ever after. It's my fault that I've fucked up everything that's ever mattered to me and now I have absolutely nothing. Now everything I ever wanted isn't for me to have. And it hurts so badly...I hate myself so much...I just want to make it go away. I'm sorry, I really truely am...How can I make it better? How can I make things okay? I can't. I can't. There's no way to. It's all so beyond fucked up that...Everyone would be happier if I just went away.
