....Fuck...
Mood: Depressed, guilty, lonely.
It's times like this when I realize how much I miss Jordan. It's already been a week...It feels like an eternity. Last night I went drinking with his friends...And when I threw up and passed out on the couch...All I could think is God, I wish he were here. I know that's silly, but if he'd just been there...It wouldn't have been so depressing. Not to mention those assholes wouldn't have been saying 'Dude, if you don't get with her I'm going to punch you'. That's just sickening. They went on to talk about how hott I was and all that...As I was laying with vomit in my hair. Yep, that'd turn me on too. It's the times when I have something to look forward to, that I just want to share the excitement, the happiness with him...Because we've shared so much sorrow. I want to be able to make HIM smile, make HIM laugh...Make his dark clouds go away...And I can't. Because he's not here. It's like there's just this hole inside of me...Something that no matter how hard I try...I can't fill up or make go away. I can't replace Jordan. Not that I'd ever want to...But something to take the edge off...Even just a little...Would be nice.
I talked to Ken yesterday. He got engaged, got unengaged, and is now going to go live in New York. It's funny, I honestly always thought that talking to him would bring up a lot of unresolved questions...I thought that I'd wonder why he left me...Why things didn't work out...But honestly...I didn't. I was sad that his life didn't go as well as it could of...Instead I told him how Jordan and I are engaged....At least, I hope we still are. I haven't heard from him, that scares me. I just want to hear his voice, see his writing..ANYTHING. I just want to feel close to him. It's been a week! A whole fucking week and I haven't heard anything from him...Does he hate me as much as everyone else? Is he sorry that he ever got involved with me? He told me he loved me when he left...He actually asked the cops if he could say goodbye to me and he gave me a kiss and let me hug him...He said he still loved me...But maybe his brother has been telling him that it's my fault...That I'm the one that's dragged him down. Maybe his brother won on this one...Damnit! Damnit, damnit, damnit. How could this happen? How could I have LET this happen? Why am I so fucking stupid? I HATE MYSELF! THIS IS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT! His brother's right...I don't deserve Jordan. I never have. I was stupid to believe that it would work.
