Frugglelumps>:[
I'm so mad right now. Why do people make promises they don't keep? Am I like some sub-person who doesn't deserve promises to be kept? Or do people just think so little of their word that they break it on whim? I'm acting like a snotty rich kid...But I'm just frusterated. I wanted a stupid tape recorder to help me learn my drama lines and memorize postulates and theroms for geometry...And I know money has been tight...So I asked for one for my birthday. Didn't get it. I asked later if mom wouldn't mind getting me one for school...She said okay. And I've been reminding her DAILY for the past three weeks about it and she's always said...Okay, okay, okay. She promised she'd have it for me in time. And then today she was just like Nope, can't do it. I understand that she doesn't have the money...That's okay. But I don't understand why she wouldn't give me some frickin' notice so I wouldn't have to get down to the wire.
guess I'm frizzled about the whole possiable pregancy I've been worrying nonstop about it...And I know that I can't be a mommy...And I don't know if I could grow up before the little fetus thing developed into a baby and shoved it's way into this world. And I really don't know if I could handle something being the center of my universe, whether I was mad at it or not and having it ALWAYS there with no relief. On top of that, I'd have to split with Ken...And I'd never be able to get another boyfriend again...Guys don't want girls who got knocked up and have responsibilities. But my worse fear of all...It's being pregnant, getting really pregnant, and then having a miscarriage. What do you do after that? How does one just go back to the life they had to abandon in order to have the baby that didn't get a chance to live? I was thinking maybe I should just kill myself...That wouldn't be an abortion persay...And I wouldn't be a mom, and no one would be hurt that I was so irresponsiable as to get knocked up and such a fucking whore to actually have sex. But I don't know if I can do that...I mean, if I am pregnant...Is it fair to die without letting the baby have a chance to live just because I'm too much of a wuss to stick it out? I know it's not. But I'm holding my breathe until my period comes...And if it doesn't...I don't know what I'll do. I don't know what I can do. I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion...And I know that's what I should do. It's the sensiable thing. It's what most girls my age do. I'm so scared...And so depressed...I just don't know if I even care to stick it out to find out if I am pregnant.
