Failure
Happy Soltice. I must have really pissed off the Goddess, given the day I've had. I can't do anything right. First I get into a fight with my best friend over work and her cell phone...Then this guy at work yells at me because he says I don't do my share of the gross work. I don't care about the gross work, just don't ask me to do it in the middle of a crazy spell when you're just going to sit on your ass and wait for me to be finished and then apologize for MY inadiquecy. Then I get in trouble because I'm saying the wrong stuff. I fucking hate work. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got caught smoking yesterday...By mom. She doesn't care, she's just disappointed. Well, you know what? I am too. I'm disappointed in myself for being such a fucking failure. I should go kill myself. I really should. SO WHY AM I STILL FUCING HERE?! I tell myself every day...Kill yourself, cut your wrists...Jump in front of that car, drink some bleach, go jump in a pool and drown..Take that bottle of pills, use that holiday ribbon for something useful so that everyone can have a REALLY merry Christmas. And yet here I am, still here. Why? What is it about death that I jusdt can't fucking do it? Permanant solution to a temporary problem?...Yeah right. I'M the temporary problem. My whole fucking life...And all the stupidity that I breathe into the air. Cut your wrists Kat, do it. You want to, you know you do. You know evberyone expects it from you anyways. No one expects you to fucking live now. You know that don't you? No one would be surprised if they found you with your final words scrawled in blood on the bathroom wall. No one. And even fewer people would give a damn. You're nothing to these people. Nothing to any of the people that you come in contact with. What's the point of even quitting smoking? No one thinks you can do it. Or at least...The only person that you really listen to doesn't think that you can. That's how much of a weak minded, jelly fish, fuckup I am. My best friend doesn't think I can quit smoking...Or even that I should. My best friend wants me to die slowly from cancer and disappoint everyone. What's that say about how loved I am? I want to cut...I smoked, I'm writing, I'm crying...And I still want to cut. I don't even have anything to fucking do it with. I hate my life right now...And I know I'm just some stupid spouiled brat who gets everything handed to her...There are people who want to be me...I'm just a stupid bitch throwing a temper tantrum or something. I'm just stupid and selfish and people fucking hate me for it. People hate me for existing...I do to. So why can't I just do it? I just need to fkill myself...IO need to stop crying and take a fucking piece of broken glass to my jugular. Kill yourself Kat, that's what they expect...That's what they want...Don't disappint them in this to. I'm a fucking failure...A fucking fat, ugly, stupid failure.
We are not all 'model' material in this life at least bodywise. Your beauty is found inside your soul. Even though you cry out your sorrows you are just making room for the joys still in front of you.
Some of us have 'label's attached to us due to our emotional health. We are far more then just that label that has been attached to us. Remember that. Also remember, it is not your fault. Some things just are. It is how we learn to cope with things that make us the kind of person we can be.
May peace surround your heart and soul.
Aly