Failed Suicide.
Well, that failed. I tried to kill myself last night...Took a bottle of pills...Didn't throw up...Haven't eaten in...God knows how long....And what happened? The world went black and my nose bled for a while. And I'm still alive. Fucking life.
Now, for those of my faithful readers who may think this is about Jordan...Only partially. Jordan was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. My entire world already sucked, but I had a pinpoint of happiness...And...Now I don't. So there's nothing to distract from the pain, and the darkness. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't really WANT a boyfriend...I don't want anything. I don't even want to smoke the joint I rolled just now...I just want to sleep forever. I want to make everything go far, far away and never have to deal with it again. i don't want to look at all these people and feel the hurt and shame. Can't you hold onto a guy Kat? That's what my mother's asking. I knew she wasn't prettier than me, my sister. Can't tame a player with those big blue eyes? and there's my brother. No. No. No. I can't hold onto a guy, I can't tame a player, and I'm probably NOT prettier than my sister. I can't do anything. I don't even want to anymore. Used to be I could get up and move on if a guy fucked me over like that...But I can't. What the Hell happened to me? What changed me so drastically that I can't even contemplate going on a date with another guy? That I can't want to?
All my friends tell me I was too good for him. That I never should have been with him in the first place because he was an asshole and we had nothing in common. It's true. He was an asshole. We had absolutely nothing in common spare a love of writing. I don't even think we liked the same Top Ramen flavor. We were always fighting...Always something was falling apart and always someone was in a state of turmoil...But it worked. It made me happy. It made me feel like I was worth something to the world for once.
