I cry through my skin.

 Today really should have been a good day...David told me he likes me back, I got a B on my geometry test, I got some more cigarrettes, and tomorrow is my first day on the job at Albertsons. Yet, I find I'm feeling fatalistic about everything. I really should be excited about working tomorrow...But to be truthful, I don't even really want that job...And I'm not sure I want to be working thirty hours a week. That's the same my mom works, for less than half the pay. I guess it doesn't matter now, it isn't hard work...Just bagging groceries and asking if anyone would like help out to their car. I just don't see the point in anything anymore...I start reading a book, I don't want to finish it....Not because it isn't a good book, I just don't...Or my homework assignments, I'll start it and it will be easy but if I already know it there doesn't seem a point in continuing with it. Or even conversations, it's just the same stuff repeated over and over. Am I in a rut or something? My world is constantly changing, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Nothing seems to be enough lately. I just want to know what's wrong with me...Because maybe if I knew, I could fix it. Everyone says Kat, it's because of your low self esteeme, it's because you aren't used to a school enviroment, your pills just haven't taken effect yet, you take things too deeply...No, it's not any of that. That stuff I can fix...School isn't hard to get used to, I'm comfertable with my schedual and I'm okay with the people in my classes. Pills, I could take more or I could take less or even switch if I thought it would help and not take away whatever it is at the center of my soul that makes me who I am. As for taking things deeply, I guess that's just my nature. I forget that people don't understand their words...That they don't know what they're really saying.
 I just about fell to pieces today. Mom called me fat. She told me I should start eating less. I eat as fucking little as I can get away with! I'm sorry I'm a fat pig! Trust me...I wish I weren't. I'd love to be a stick thin beauty. I'd love to be anything but what I am...But I'm me. I'm this fucked up little cutter girl who sits alone in her room with tears stinging her eyes because she knows that she's losing herself to a nameless monster that she has no fucking clue how it got there. People tell me this is part of the plan, it was intended for me...Intended by who and for what reason? Why am I even here? Mom got knocked up despite her birth controle and didn't have the heart to abort me...That's why I'm here. I have no clue why I'm not dead. It's the work of an angel, or a demon is more likely.  There are people who want to live so desperetly, and if I could I would gladly give my life to them so that they can. I don't see any light at the end, I don't see any knight in shining armor coming to kill the monster that has devoured my joy, I don't even have a window so that I could jump and maybe, just maybe, land safely and get away. I'm stuck here in my dark little room with no window, no time, just myself and the monster. At one time, I thought the monster was my protector, saving me from getting hurt...But now I know...It causes the most pain. I have no knight to save me, and no sword to defend myself with...The sense of doom is closing in on me fast. Suicide is on my mind at least once an hour...I know it's the wrong way...But I don't think I can keep going this way.