Deep Seeded fears.
I had such a bad day today. I was crying all day because Razz ran away. I wanted to cut all day but I couldn't leave class. I couldn't stop the tears either. I hated myself for that...But one of my friends was really nice to me...He gave me hugs and told me it was going to be okay. I didn't really believe him, but it was nice to know that someone cared enough to tell me the comforting lies. But, the reason I was crying was really selfish...I was crying because I have this stupid fear...You all are going to laugh when you hear it...But it's that I don't have enough love to give. I have so many people and things in my life that I love, that I'm expected to care for and do, and I've always worried that I won't have enough love for everyone to be happy. And I know what it's like the be on the raw end of that deal...To be the one looking so desperetly for love and affection only to find that even scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, won't yield anything. I hate the feeling that you're all alone in the world, that no one cares, and that there isn't enough for you. And I couldn't believe that I was on the giving end of that...That I made someone feel so poorly that they needed to go away. I'm a terriable person, I don't deserve to live...I really don't. If I can't even make a CAT feel loved...Then I can't make my dogs, my bunny, my future husband and children, and my friends all feel loved. I hate myself so much right now...Razz came back, but she didn't come back because she felt loved. She came back because she was cold and confused and didn't have another family. I'm a bad person...I know I have a lot of love in my heart...But obviously it isn't enough. But then again...I've never been good enough for anything have I?
