Damnit
Mood: Suicidal
I cut for the first time in a long time today. I don't know why...I've felt like crying for so long now...But I couldn't. I don't know why I cut myself...I don't even know if I feel better or worse. I felt better while I was doing it...A lot better. But now...Now I feel kind of bad. I feel like I failed and I still feel like crying and I still can't. And I still feel like cutting more now. It wasn't bad, wasn't even deep. Just some scratches where no one will look. Where no one ever looks...As a matter of fact the only time people look at me is to gauge how hideous I am. Still no tears...Still hurting...And I still fucked up again.
I binged, and I cut, and I threw up...I've done everything I've worked so hard to make go away! And you know what? I really really don't care. I really don't care if anyone else knows. The only who that matters is Pyro...He doesn't care if I eat or if I don't, he doesn't care if I cry, he doesn't care if I hurt myself...He only cares that I love him and he loves me....And that I come home sometimes. He loves me, no matter what I do. I failed and he still loves me. And that hurts me...Because he doesn't care what I do. I don't know why that hurts. Because that's what I've always wanted. Unfortunetly he can't talk, he can't hold me, and he can't tell me with his words that he loves me. I hate myself for going backwards...But forwards has proved nothing but as dismal as the past. Why not at least be thin, decorate my body in strawberry gashes, and why not say fuck the world and then throw it all back at myself? Otherwise I'll be hating myself for being fat, I can't cry even through my skin...And no one will ever know how fucked up I am on the inside. At least this way, they won't be so shocked when I lose it.
