Crumbling Building.
I figured out why Ken and I didn't work. It all goes back to what two seperate psychics told me...If you build a relationship out of unsteady matierials on an unsteady ground....The relationship will be unsteady. I did with him what I always do. Instead of focusing on trying to get better...I focused on trying to hide how messed up I am for fear of rejection. I told Dad about the breakup...He didn't seem surprised...Although he seems to think that Ken will call me in a week and want me back. I doubt it...He seemed pretty sure and pretty done with me. But I guess it's for the best...I mean...I felt the chemistry but obviously he didn't.We had nothing in common, and I'm so much younger and more inexpirienced than he is...And he expects everything to happen right away and I just can't do that. Dad told me I really need to work on my communication skills and that it's okay to be hurt...He said it's better to look stupid and be honest than to look smart and be a lie. I guess that makes sense. But I can't show that I'm hurt...I can't. Not with everyone watching me. Mom's watching me for the slightest sign of suicidality...Ready to send me off on a 51-50 at any notice. Audrey was overly sympathetic...I know she's just trying to help but she's probably happy. Yeah, I'm hurt...Broken heart, all that great stuff...But I can't let anyone in to see that. I need to try and focus on getting better now...I need to figure out HOW. How can I get better? How do I get rid of depression? How do I stop looking at myself like a monster? How do I buil confidence and happiness? How do I do all this by myself with no memory of what it's like to have any other type of life and mood but this one? I have to do it by myself...And I've finally figured that out. If I let anyone else help me...I'll just focus on making them happy by pretending to get better. I'm still upset over Ken...I wish things could have worked out...But they didn't. He obviously wasn't it for me. I have to wonder though...Will I ever find Mr./Ms. Right? I'm begining to think I already have...And I just fucked it up so badly that I ruined my one chance at happily ever after. No, not Ken, no dillusions there...Yeah...I loved him...Yeah, I would have liked to have gotten serious with me...And yeah I would have liked to have that bestfriend/lover bond with him...But it didn't happen that way. No, I was thinking of Juan. My first love. We never fought...And we always seemed to have something to talk about and he always made me happy and gave me that stupid flutter heart feeling. So either it was love or heart disease. I'm begining to think they're one in the same. But that was back when I was a kid...I wasn't really ready for happily ever after...I wanted to see if there was something else out there...Something closer(he lived really far away). I still talk to him on occasion...But there's that used-to-be-lovers awkwardness. But, none of that matters because now I have to get better. I have to. I'm done being sick. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of cutting and crying all the time...I'm tired of hating myself...I'm tired of thinking that every compliment has some maniacle secret double meaning behind it... I'm tired of not being good enough for anyone...Including myself. So, I'm done. I'm going to get better and that's all there is to it. I think I'm going to try hypnosis as a cure...I've taken a few courses and I can't get much more fucked up. So, here I go...All alone once again...But I refuse to stay that way. Mr./Ms Right is out there SOMEWHERE and I will find them and I will live happily ever after...I'll be a well known author in New York with a ton of animals,three kids and a partner that loves me for my flaws...As well as my strongpoints. I've decided that. I don't want someone who loves me despite my flaws..I want them to love me for them.
