Closed Book
Yesterday sucked and today isn't promising to be better. Ken and I got into this...Altercation type thing. It can't be called a fight...I was the only one mad and there wasn't yelling. He was upset because of all I do with Audrey...And not with him. It's more than understandale...I get it. And if this situation were reversed...I'd probably be really hurt and upset over it. But it feels like to me I'm a special case. I know I'm not...That I should just be 100% with him...But I can't. I can't help but worry that me isn't good enough...If he, or anyone, saw what a bad person I was they'd hate me and wouldn't want me in their lives anymore. I'm not even 100% with Audrey..Yeah, I do terriable things around her like eating, smoking, and crying...But I do it all in small ammounts. I smoke when I'm freaked out...But only when I can be sure I don't have to go anywhere or do anything...Cigarretes make me really dizzy and make it hard for me to stand or walk. With Ken...He's a casual smoker...He doesn't just do it when he's freaked out...He just does it. Seeming without reason. I don't do that...I don't like to. Anymore than I like to cut. I guess I just get kind of freaked out around Audrey and I need to chill out. As for crying...I try so hard not to cry around anyone...And when I do cry...Audrey just sometimes magically calls me or I really need to talk to someone and she's the only person who I can think of talking to without bringing them down. As for eating...I just don't like eating in front of anyone...The reason why I'm sortofish okay with eating in front of Audrey is because she gets my weird little eating quirks. I guess I can't explain this to him...It wouldn't make any sense to him I don't think. I want to be close to him...As close to him as I am to Audrey...But I can't tell him that because it seems like he expects everything right away. He doesn't get how used I am to keeping everything to myself. He also said that time doesn't make things closer if I'm not willng to oepn up. I feel like such a terriable person for not being able to open up...I'm not a book...I don't open and close on demand. I guess that was what made yesterday bad...That and my comparing myself to the ever beautiful Audrey.
