Cleansing for my Sins.
it's ironic. Today was a day for Jewish people to cleanse themselves of their sins...To fast and be sure that they're clean. And I go and deck someone. She wouldn't back off and I had such a crap day. Seriously...I was desperate enough to willingly go to councler and consider going to my resource teacher...The councler was out to lunch though...So I just sat alone and cried for a little while. I know, I'm just some stupid emo girl...I hate myself for it. I just can't seem to handle this anymore...This life...It's too much. I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, I'm not what they want me to be and I'm not okay. I make too many mistakes...People can make mistakes...But I'm not supossed to. I'm supossed to be perfect...I've ALWAYS been the good child. I've always been the sweet girl, the one who did what she was told and din't question why...And look where I am now. I'm a super bitch who goes and smashes everyone's expectations of me. I feel like such a failure lately...I can't do anything right. I just wish...I wish I was what they wanted. I know that's a bad wish...That people should accept me for who I am...But the truth is...They don't. I need to be what they want...Otherwise I'm not good enough.
Oh, I cleared things up with Ken. Sort of. It turns out he's not homeless right now after all...Which is good. He was being really sweet today...But I shut him down every time he tried to be cute and romantic. He tried to tell me how much he loved me...But...There are just some days where all I hear coming out of anyone's mouth is 'bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, now smile and be happy because I'm tired of your stupid moods.' Logically, I know he meant what he said...I know he really loves me...I'm just stuck in one of those dark, unhappy places.
There is a bright side though...I'm losing weight. Yay! It's through the old, stupid ways...I've figured out a way to throw up and stay in school(aren't I a woman of the world?) I just have to take my pills AFTER I go ahead and do the deed...And I feel okay. As much as I hate to admit it...THe drugs are helping a little bit. I mean...They make me really happy one minute...And the next I'm fighting the urge to take a paper clip to my wrist and contort it into the most painful device my warped little mind can create...But at least I have those happy spots...Right? That's a plus...But sometimes I rather wish I didn't have any happy spots to look back on...Because then I wouldn't miss it so much.
