Caring
It's funny, I was just sitting there...I was fine, no bad thoughts or anything, and then it hit me; no one cares about me. Well, I have to say...That isn't entirely true. The ones who care about me are the one's that have their lives dependent on me. No one looks at me and sees me..They see whatever they want; homework answers, someone to talk to, help on a question, or even a source of drama. They don't see me...Who I am. It's like I'm invisable and in my place is whatever the person wants. And I'm so tired of it. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to smile, I don't want to eat, I don't want to throw up, I don't even want to go to school. I just don't want to do anything. My desire for the good things in life has left me, if only for the time being. I just don't care about anything..I don't even care right now if I go to New York or not. I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone. How can that be? If someone were to come to me right now, I wouldn't want to talk to them. But if that same someone left, I wouldn't want them to leave. Maybe it's the holiday season that's got me down. My holiday isn't exactly celebrating something joyus...The death of The Great Mother's companion. Happiness. I just want to stop existing right now...And how sharply this contrasts yesterday's ecstacy at the slightest attention given by a boy. I really need to stop doing that...Guys only give me attention because they feel sorry for me, nothing else. Or even if they're really bored. People don't like me, even if I like them. That's how it works. David just felt sorry for me because I have a stupid puppy dog crush on him and I have no chance. Not that it matters anyways, even if I did go out with him...What would be the point? We'd just break up like everyone else. Why is anyone to think that anything in this world is permanant? Most of all love? And who are we to assume we know what love is when it's defined as a strong affection for someone or something. Is that all it is? A strong affection? Than why isn't it called as such? Affection dies...Love dies...People die...And then everyone is reborn back into this world only to find themselves alone again. They know something is missing...But they don't know what. I'll just spare myself the pain in the next life and take it in this one. Who needs dead affection?
