I cry through my skin.

 I'm about ready to just cut out my fucking throat! Maybe then everyone will be happy, maybe then people will back off, maybe then I'll stop being such a fuck up. Maybe if I just take the razor to my jugular I can drown in my own blood and never feel another fucking thing. I just want everyone to stop telling me how everything is my fault. I'm sorry Mom, that I don't have a boyfriend or a job to keep me busy since Audrey left...But it's not that fucking easy to get either one of those. I'm sorry Cassie, that I left the fucking popcorn open and you couldn't look at it before pulling it out of the cupboard so you had to clean up all the little kearnals because I obviously maliciously planned it over two weeks ago knowing that you wouldn't check, and that you'd spill it. Sorry John that my dog knows that you're an asshole and so he doesn't want you to walk to close to me...I'm sorry every fucking bad thing in everyone's lives is my fault! I'm just sorry, please just leave me alone now so I can die in peace! You know, maybe I'll take a bottle of Celexia and chase it with a bottle of Tylonal and IB profun then rinse it all down with some fucking Vodka! Even if I didn't die, I'd be pretty fucked up for the rest of my days. I sit here at my pathetic little weblog which nobody cares about and talk about suicide but I'm probably just too much of a pussy to do it. The little voice of Hope died. It's gone. Tomorrow is dead too. Tomorrow is today and today is fucking yesterday and every day before today was a fucking Hell so Tomorrow will be yesterday as well and I'm trapped in this endless loop of everything I hate.  And I can't make it stop! Everyone tells me I don't die because I don't want to...I don't know if I want to die forever...But I want to die for now. But then, if I die for now....I'll remerge X years later and everything will be the same because I didn't get through it the first time and there's some really fucked up lesson somewhere in here...But it's so well hidden that I can't learn it. Want to know all I've learned this lifetime? Everyone you care about leaves you...They die, or they move, or they lose touch, or they do a complete 180 on personality...It doesn't matter. They're gone. And you're always left with what you started: Nothing. So why is it worth caring? What good comes from caring? People get fucked over by caring. They get taken advantage of, or whatever, but nothing good ever has come from caring. Maybe I should just stop fucking caring about what will happen if I do it...Grandma's wedding would be fine if I went ahead and killed myself today...Audrey wouldn't care because she's moved on to her new life, none of the people at school would give it a second thought...I was never anything to any of them anyways. No one cares about me...But I care about them...So I flatter myself by thinking that if I die it will hurt them. Flattery gets you no where.