Broken Mask
Today pretty much sucked again. My therapist is lying to me...She's trying to make me get better through lies. She tells me that I am pretty, I'm thin enough, that I'm a special person. I am every other teenage girl in the world. I am just as stupid, I'm fatter, and I'm just another stereotype. I am nothing that she said and her lies aren't going to help me get better. She thinks I should be in the eating disorder group...Which is laughable. She also thinks I should be in just a normal group instead of an IOP(intensive outpatient) group. She doesn't exactly think I'm sane enough for one...Just that my mom wouldn't have to come so it wouldn't make a difference. And I saw Ken today...Which was nice. I've really missed him...But he really hurt my feelings. Okay, so we were walking along and I decided to be a little silly...Doing the whole no I missed you more bit. Then he was like OH MY GOD! YOU'RE ACTUALLY BEING CUTE AND ACTING LIKE A GIRLFRIEND! Usually you're all tough and serious and acting like you don't have any emotions. I have a lot of emotions...Too many...And I hate having to act tough...But that's just it, I have to. As for my emotions...He says he gets why I hide them...But obviously not. Getting hurt...I don't knwo if I could ha ndle it again. Look what happened last time I let my emotions be known. The whole acting like a girlfriend thing...That really stung. I try to act like a girlfriend...But I don't know how. I don't know what I'm supossed to be...What he wants me to be...Obviously what I am isn't good enough. I doubt he meant it as a cut...I know guys, in general, are way more laid back and don't think deeply enoug abo0t what they say before they say it. But it still kind of hurt...And now I'm on guard again...Wondering what I should be. I guess it doesn't matter...I fuck everything up eventually anyways. 7 days without cutting...About an hour and a half without a cigarette. I'm feeling kind of like screwing up both records.
