Blah...Cancer.
Today was odd. I woke up...Wanted to cut so badly...But I didn't. I don't really know why...Ken and I are no longer doing that if you quit I'll quit thing. He picked up smoking again so I'm free to throw up and cut myself as much as I want. He has no clue how much him smoking pisses me off..Well, not even just that...I mean, I've lost so many people in my life to cancer...He already has it! Why does he have to go and do THE ONE FUCKING THING I explicity ask him not to...He can do just about anything else he wants to...Move off to New York, flirt with other girls, do stupid drugs, disappear for days on end, drink...Whatever! I don't care...Well, I do...But still...Smoking is the one thing I don't want anyone I care about to do. It's the one thing I've learned WILL kill you. Not just can. Everyone I've ever known pretty much has died of cancer...Emily died of cancer...And she didn't even ever touch a cigarette! She was one of the sweetest, happiest girls ever...She could have made the world such a better place...But she died. Everyone dies on me...I'm so sick of it. I hate it. I hate everyone leaving. I've said it once and I'll say it again...everyone I love leaves me. I don't even know why I'm scared of him dying...Or why I hate him smoking so much...But, it doesn't matter. Smoking is obviously a part of who he is...Like cutting and bulimia are parts of who I am. He's not willing to give up that part of him...And I'm not willing to give up that part of me...So I should just move on and forget it right? Right. Oh, I got off subject...I was talking about today. Yeah...Today was Autumn Equonox..Yay, Wiccan holiday and I didn't get some of the stuff I wanted for my ritual. So I went down to the creek...And I fell on a rock and cracked my leg...Which hurt. Really bad. And then I threw up...Not on purpose, but still did it. Then I went to ER and they X-rayed me...And tried to give me medication that I'm allergic to and medication that will cause me heart failure and stomache bleeding(kaiser loves me) I'm not even sure why they wanted to give me the medication I'm allergic to...I didn't have an infection to my knowledge. But my leg PROBABLY isn't broken...They're not entirely sure.
