I cry through my skin.

The silence is intolerable. Noise is just as bad. Can't talk to anybody....Don't want to. All these feelings inside of me...Just come together and they're getting worse. I never thought that my depression was getting better...I never thought that I was feeling any better than I was years ago when I started this weblog...But now I realize how much better I had gotten. I remember these feelings...I remember not caring if I shower, I remember not wanting to talk to anyone, I remember smiling because I had to...Not because I want to. I remember everything making me angry, but learning to hide that anger. I remember feeling as though I was stupid...Worthless...Nothing. I remember all of this...It wasn't a path I wanted to walk down again. It wasn't a place I ever though I should go to again. I remember obsessing over my body...I remember staring at the mirror for hours and thinking that everything that could go wrong will. I remember not wanting to go out because I couldn't connect with anyone...Feeling like I have no true friends. I remember feeling pathetic and young every time tears pricked my eyes. I remember...I remember all this...And I know where it goes.

 How the Hell did I wind up back here? After all the healing...After all the good things that have happened...How is it that I've wound up back HERE? I never did drugs, I didn't smoke...Nothing. I was a calm, goody-two-shoes...I wore all black, I had glasses, I had long black hair, I wore make up every day...I'm not that girl any more. I'm not that small, frightened, unhappy person. And yet, here I am again. Sleeping all day because I don't want to think...Not wanting to eat because I don't feel as though even if I am hungry that I deserve food. Feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right. I'm here, I'm back. Why?

 Because Jordan is gone. Because I'm never going to see him again. Because I'd found the other half of my being and I lost him. How could I have been so stupid? I just want him back again...And I know I can never have him back. So why do I pretend...Why do I say I have a boyfriend when I know he's never going to be mine again? If I even do manage to get the curteousy of a call it's going to be 'I'm sorry Kat, I can't do this.' And I KNOW that. So why do I hold on to shallow hopes, to dreams that will never come true? Why do I hold on to him when I need to be learning to stand on my own? Why do I cry at night over him? Why do I wear his jacket just to feel him a little bit closer to me? Why can't I fucking let go? And why am I crying even now, when I know my mother is going to be home soon and her seeing me in tears will only alarm her further?

 There is so much inside of me right now...And it all hurts. For the longest time...Depression was a void. An empty space that needs feeling. Now it's a creature...It's alive and it's trying to destroy me.