Alone
I just feel so alone...So isolated. It's like I'm living in a world by myself and no one can understand. No one understands why I'm so sad...Why I want to hurt myself...Why I'm always sorry...Why life is more of a burden to me than a gift. I don't even understand. It's just...I can't talk to anyone..It feels like no one is even listening when I try. No one understands...Not even Audrey and it used to be she could...Or seemed like she could at the very least. I watch everyone laugh and be happy...Everyone decide that the world is a happy place afterall...And all I can't see it. I see the world as a place of death and pain...And that's it. I hate being so alone...Probably why I want to date someone so badly. I want to feel like someone understands. But I know that's the wrong reason to try to find someone. I just want tro be able to reach out and actually feel someone there..You know? I want to stop crying by myself...Or trying to cry and not being able to. I want someone to understand...But no one seems to be able to. I used to love school...Now I find it barely tolerable. I used to want to write everyone second of the day...But now I hold a pen and all it writes are sad and angry words. Everyone tells me I have the ability to turn this around...I have the ability to make my life a happy thing...I just don't see how. I took the pills...I went to therapy...I got a job...I went back to school...I made friends...And yet I still feel the way I did 8 months ago when I wanted nothing more than to make my life end. All I want to do is tell the world I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being born, for hurting you...For making your life so terriable. I'm just so sorry...And I can't seem to make things right. And then I look over this past year to see what I've acomplished...And I see my failures. I see a girl who wound up in the crazyhouse, got dumped by a person she loved with all her heart...Turned into a slut to try to see if that could make love deeper, there's a girl who started smoking, who broke her mother's heart...There's a girl that is failing geometry...A girl who can't seem to make the grade when it comes to academic courses, there's the girl that can't see the beauty that everyone assures her is there...And there's the girl that hates her life. What did I do this year? I went back to school, and I got a job. That's it. I'm sure people would assure me this is just a place to start for the next year...But that's what they said LAST year. I don't see the light, things aren't getting any better, and I'm just wasting life. Merry Christmas...Maybe Santa can bring me a friend. A real one...That understands and loves me fully and really wants to be there(and knows how to). Then again...Maybe I should just settle for what I deserve...A big lump of coal.
