Mood: Confused, depressed, self-loathing, heartbroken, lonely
I saw Skye today. It really couldn't have gone much worse. She saw me...And tackle hugged me...And clung to me...Which made me feel really awkward because all I wanted to do was hug her back...But, I couldn't because...Well, she broke up with me. I don't know why that kept me from hugging her....But, it did. I guess it was stupid and bitchy of me. Then she started begging me to be her girlfriend again..She told me how much she wants to make it work...How she didn't care what her family wanted, how she didn't care if we were in the same school....How none of it mattered and she just wanted to be with me. I was so close to tears that I had to start counting. I don't know why counting makes me not cry...It just does. More than anything else I wanted to say that I'd be her girlfriend again. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and how I wanted it to work between us...But...I couldn't. Then she kissed me...And even counting didn't stop me from crying...Because...I still love her. God damnit all! Even though I keep trying so hard to let her go...I can't. Something makes me hold on. She told me everything I wanted to hear...But...I know I can't go back. It wouldn't work. She needs someone physically there to hold her...And I need to be able to trust her. I can't trust her. She's hurt me too many times to be trusted. She cheated on me....How can you trust someone after they've broken a commitment? Even worse...I think she lied to me. Or maybe my best friend lied to me. I really don't know right now. I HATE THIS! I want to cry now that I'm all alone and that no one would see or care...But I can't. I'm so tempted just to take that box cutter and stab myself with it again...No one would notice...I could do it so no one would see. I shouldn't though...I have cutter group tonight...I'd really rather not go...but...I have to. I just wish someone understood how I feel...Although, at this point, I'd settle for me understanding how I feel. Love sucks.
