I cry through my skin.

 Jesus. I despise myself right now. I wished for this, I really did. I wished for someone to like me, all of me, and for boys to find me attractive and to have the pick of who I wanted. And look what the Hell happened! I end up with TWO boys I like...Both of which like me back(to different degrees). I'm scared to date Gustavo...He just seems dangerous. Not in like he'd hit me or anything, but I'm pretty damn sure he'd break my heart in a New York minute and he seems like he could break down my walls of defense pretty easily. I don't know what about him intimidates me so, or attracts me so, but he's a scary mixture of what scares the shit out of me and what I really want in a serious lover. And then David...I don't know what the Hell his case is. I lost time today and I found a note from Danielle saying that he said that he sort of likes me but he likes Audrey too so it's a toss up for both of us but he thinks he'll just stick with me because it would be awkward otherwise. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know...I know David and I probably won't date...And Gustavo and I probably shouldn't date...This whole thing just has my heads in knots. So I asked Gustavo if we could be friends for now, explaining to him some of the shit going on. And I'm going to treat David as a friend for now. And you know what? Only 6 1/2 months until they graduate and both forget about me. Although they'll probably both have forgotten about me after Winter break, if not before. David definetly, Gustavo I'm saying 99% sure he'll have forgotten about me. He's bound to get a girlfriend.I want a cigarette. I want to cut. I want someone to actually talk to this about!! I hate highschool, stupid people...Stupid Drama...Stupid stupidness. This is all so pointless. Dating is a waste of time and so are highschool 'boyfriends'. They're just someone who wants to fuck you really. I don't want to be confused, but I don't want them to go away either. Although I'm just about ready to send myself away...Just so I don't have to deal with life anymore. But I can't do that, that's what they expect me to do.