:-(
I'm so tired of this. I always feel like I have to be watching someone, monitoring someone, making suere someone is making the right choice. I'm fucking seventeen. SEVENTEEN. Why? Why do I have a best friend that is older than I am, and yet manages to get herself into situations at least seven times worse than anything I've ever done? Why does my boyfriend constantly worry me by telling me exactly what he knows will freak me out? Why do people threaten to hurt themselves? Why do they tell me how upset they are over this and that and how they want to kill themselves over it? Why do I have to be telling someone all the time that it's going to be okay? Why is it when I cry that people fucking turn their backs?
I can't do this. I just can't. I can't have my boyfriend worrying me to no end...I can't watch my best friend go off and party all the god damned time and woneder if she's getting raped or murdered or something else that would be incredably cliche. I can't deal with it! I just want to fucking disappear. I want to leave EVERYTHING. I want to leave my life, my memories...Everything. I want nothing from this life anymore and that is such a new level of hopelessness that I've never felt before. I've always wanted to take SOMETHING with me. Even if it was miniscule and stupid...There was always something I wanted...But now...I'd leave everything if I could just leave this pain with it.
Every time I think I find something to hope for...Or something stable enough for me to hold on to and count on it to help me...Something fucks it up. I don't know why I try. I don't know what I'm trying for. I don't think that there's any way for me to be happy. And that's scarier than anything I've ever faced before...I really don't believe that there's anything past, present or future that can give me a reason to keep this up and make the tears streaming down my face worth it...
