I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.
But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I miss. It's him I wish were beside me. Not my almost boyfriend, not any of the boys that are flirting with me...Not any of my old crushes...How do I make this STOP? It's been almost three fucking weeks now! 19 days. I've been sober for 19 days, single for 19 days, and going fucking crazy for 19 days. I miss him. And what's worse is I'm going to see him Tuesday and I already know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to pretend I don't care. I'm going to pretend that every time he looks at me it doesn't hurt. I'm going to act like I'm doing perfectly fine...Why? Why am I so fucking fake? Maybe I am the blue eyed barbie everyone tells me I am. Maybe I am just a lying, manipulative bitch...I just don't want...I don't want to be the weaker one. I don't want to be emberassed. I don't want to be the only one crying. And yet I know I will be. Why? Because I am too God damned stubborn...I can't let him see the weakness in me because he exploited it and hurt me. I can't be real because if I'm real then he knows exactly where to stab me next to make it hurt the most.
I need to be more real. I need to let him see how badly it hurts...And maybe he'll leave me alone...Maybe he'll let me get over him for real. Or maybe he'll just exploit me more. I really don't know. I just...I think I need to do this. I think once I stop the games that it'll end.