I cry through my skin.

Jun 30, 2008 at 00:06 o\clock

When is this going to stop?

 I hate this. Every song, every kiss, every time someone tries to get with me...All I can think about is HIM. Why can't I stop? Why can't I make him go away? I've had plenty of guys give me plenty of attention...I even have a friend that I was considering having as my boyfriend...But when I tried to tell him yes...My throat just closed up and my eyes started to water with the tears that I am too god damned stubborn to let myself cry. I feel like I'm living wrapped in cellophane...I can see everything, but I can't touch it and it's distorted. I can hear everyone talking to me but when I go to reply my words are cut off. Somehow though, a voice speaks...One that sounds remarkably like mine but isn't and just tells them to let it be. The voice won't lie...Not persay...It'll give the usual 'I'm okay' lie...But that's hardly a lie anymore. I'm trying to make myself believe it too.

 But every night...It's him I think about. It's him I miss. It's him I wish were beside me. Not my almost boyfriend, not any of the boys that are flirting with me...Not any of my old crushes...How do I make this STOP? It's been almost three fucking weeks now! 19 days. I've been sober for 19 days, single for 19 days, and going fucking crazy for 19 days. I miss him. And what's worse is I'm going to see him Tuesday and I already know what I'm going to do.

 I'm going to pretend I don't care. I'm going to pretend that every time he looks at me it doesn't hurt. I'm going to act like I'm doing perfectly fine...Why? Why am I so fucking fake? Maybe I am the blue eyed barbie everyone tells me I am. Maybe I am just a lying, manipulative bitch...I just don't want...I don't want to be the weaker one. I don't want to be emberassed. I don't want to be the only one crying. And yet I know I will be. Why? Because I am too God damned stubborn...I can't let him see the weakness in me because he exploited it and hurt me. I can't be real because if I'm real then he knows exactly where to stab me next to make it hurt the most.

 I need to be more real. I need to let him see how badly it hurts...And maybe he'll leave me alone...Maybe he'll let me get over him for real. Or maybe he'll just exploit me more. I really don't know. I just...I think I need to do this. I think once I stop the games that it'll end.

Jun 21, 2008 at 09:42 o\clock

What the Hell is wrong with me?

  No matter how bad I think things have gotten...They always get worse. My fiance, the great love of my life, decided that we needed to take a break. That was devastating. Then we break up. Then he wants to be fuck buddies. That's enough to destroy me. My best friend is getting married and I'm not. My little bratty sister took my fan....Which was one of the few joys I had in this world. I'm fucking hullicinating even though I'm completely sober. Seriously...The other night my ear started gushing blood...I felt it trickling down my face and everything...It came away on my hand. But once I turned on the light to inspect and see if I needed medical attention...There was nothing. My blankets were clean, my hand was dry. I keep getting nose bleeds out of nowhere and for no reason. I seem to be living in a constant state of dead.

 One of my best guy friends asked me out today. Awkward since I thought he was gay. More awkward since I'm still in love with Jordan. Another guy friend of mine and I hung out last night...It was really nice but according to Annie he's completely into me.

 And yet, I'm certain that tomorrow will somehow manage to suck even more. Annie went away to her summer cabin for the weekend so I am completely alone and I want to tear my wrists apart and make sure that I don't wake up in the morning. I want to run away and go sleep under a fucking bridge. I just don't want to be HERE. It's fucking hot, there's no food, the benefits are shower, bed, elecetricity and the pretty much general guarentee that a hobo won't fight me for my place to sleep.

 What's wrong with me that I can't be happy? What's wrong that good things can't happen to me? What did I fucking do to make God hate me?...I really don't know. I wish I did. But I'm either numb, angry, or suicidal all the time now. I can't fucking do this. And the heat is making it so I'm feeling more fucking suicidal because I seriously would rather die than be hot. FUCKING CUNTFACED BITCH THAT STOLE MY FAN! I'm going to kill her...I've actually given serious thought to it. That's how I'm pretty sure that I'm completely mentally ill. That and the hallucination bit. I think I want to throw a brick through her window and watch it hit her stupid, ugly face and smash her nose. I hate her. I hate me. I hate the fucking sun. I hate my mom. I hate this life.

 Maybe I do need medical attention. Or maybe I need to be back on drugs. My homicidal feelings were more subdued when I was thizzed out of my mind or too stoned to even smoke my cigarette.

Jun 12, 2008 at 23:58 o\clock

Disillusioned.

 He broke up with me. He didn't even do it himself...He did it through my best fucking friend...He wouldn't answer my calls...My text messages...Just fucking ignored me. He hates me. Completely.  I've never had somebody I love so fucking much hate my guts...Want me destroyed so completely and utterly... I can't stop crying...My insides are so torn up....I just want this hellish nightmare to be over...I can't do this...And everybody is saying I know it hurts...Hurt isn't even half the world. Hurt doesn't begin to describe it. I'm dead and I've gone to fucking Hell...

Jun 12, 2008 at 19:52 o\clock

Pretending

 I just need to keep writing...As long as I can write...I can pretend...I can pretend that the world isn't falling apart at the seams and I'm not left alone quaking in the middle of the rubble. I can pretend that there isn't some fat whore that I'm expected to fight....Not expected, but it's my...Duty for lack of better word.  I can pretend that Jordan isn't ignoring my calls...I can pretend that I don't care that today would be the day I graduated highschool if I'd only stayed in...I can pretend that my entire body is hurting, that I'm not near tears because of both physical and emotional pain. I can pretend that I'm not alone and that I don't want somebody near me just to tell me it's okay...I can pretend that I give a fuck about myself and my body enough to eat or even to shower...I need to keep writing...I need to keep my mind from thinking too hard...I feel so fucking empty inside...Like there's a giant chasm where all my vital organs should be and insteaed my body is slowly tearing itself apart. It hurts...I actually stop and physically wince. I'm too young for this...For this insane depression...And if I could just get a hold of Jordan...I think everything would be okay...But I can't because he's in his own little world of pain and unhappiness and I can't reach him because I killed my cell phone by taking it for a walk in the sprinklers with me. Stupid bitch. I need...I need this to go away...I need to feel better...I need something...Something to make this okay.

Jun 8, 2008 at 09:01 o\clock

:-(

 I'm so tired of this. I always feel like I have to be watching someone, monitoring someone, making suere someone is making the right choice. I'm fucking seventeen. SEVENTEEN. Why? Why do I have a best friend that is older than I am, and yet manages to get herself into situations at least seven times worse than anything I've ever done? Why does my boyfriend constantly worry me by telling me exactly what he knows will freak me out? Why do people threaten to hurt themselves? Why do they tell me how upset they are over this and that and how they want to kill themselves over it? Why do I have to be telling someone all the time that it's going to be okay? Why is it when I cry that people fucking turn their backs?

 I can't do this. I just can't. I can't have my boyfriend worrying me to no end...I can't watch my best friend go off and party all the god damned time and woneder if she's getting raped or murdered or something else that would be incredably cliche. I can't deal with it! I just want to fucking disappear. I want to leave EVERYTHING. I want to leave my life, my memories...Everything. I want nothing from this life anymore and that is such a new level of hopelessness that I've never felt before. I've always wanted to take SOMETHING with me. Even if it was miniscule and stupid...There was always something I wanted...But now...I'd leave everything if I could just leave this pain with it.

 Every time I think I find something to hope for...Or something stable enough for me to hold on to and count on it to help me...Something fucks it up. I don't know why I try. I don't know what I'm trying for. I don't think that there's any way for me to be happy. And that's scarier than anything I've ever faced before...I really don't believe that there's anything past, present or future that can give me a reason to keep this up and make the tears streaming down my face worth it...