Just fuck it.
Mood: Suicidal, depressed, isolated.
I hate everything. I haven't left the fucking house since yesterday. And then I only left for work. I'm not ALLOWED to leave the house til Thursday. And that's to go meet my goddamned bitch of a probational officer and then I have to go get checked for STDs. I really don't see the point in living anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't think Jordan and I are going to be together much longer...We fight too much nowadays...And he's always saying something that really hurts my feelings. Not that it really matters because the whole apartment thing fell apart because he won't enlist the help of his mother. So I don't ever get to see him anyways. There's nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don't have friends. I don't have family. I barely even have a boyfriend. This life isn't worth living...And anybody that dares to say that it will get better is a bold faced liar. I've been dealing with this shit for seven years now! Almost eight. When I went to the mental hospital they told me I couldn't own a gun for ten years because that's how long before they thought before a person's depression is completely gone. I've been dealing with this for almost ten years now. My desire to die gets fucking stronger each year as I am ever more confronted with how much life sucks.
Why do people fucking live? Why do people try? This isn't getting any better...It's not for lack of trying. I fucking try all the time to make things get better and it never fucking works. I'm really thinking about saying fuck the probational officer meeting Thursday, taking a bunch of thizz, and then jumping off the golden gate bridge. That sounds like a really good idea to me. And I can't fucking talk to anybody about this. Nobody fucking understands. All they say is 'be strong for just a little while longer'. I CAN'T BE STRONG ANY LONGER. I can't do this anymore! Everyone fucking tells me and they tell me it'll get better and it hasn't! It hasn't gotten any better and I have no fucking hope that it will. Why? Because I'm not stupid. I'm not going to say that these past almost eight years have been good...Or even bearable. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm paying my pentence for my sins...What God would leave anybody hurt for so long? What God would tell me that he loves me and then fucking shit on me? That's an abusive God. That's a God that lies to get it's way and is only in it for the sick thrill of control. I'm so done with this bullshit...I'm fucking crying all the time...I don't want to talk to anyone, I can't eat...I can't sleep...There are always these big dark circles under my eyes...I don't even fucking care if I shower anymore. I really don't. And that's bad because I am a complete hygene freak. But lately...I don't shower, I don't brush my teeth, I don't shave, and I don't wear make up. My skin is a wreck, my gums bleed, and all I do is sit here in my bed and go to work occasionally. And yet...I know that even if I were to attempt to reach out and seek help, to ask for guidence...All they'll tell me is that it's going to get better. Isn't that a twisted irony? Everyone tells me that I need to go out and do shit and it'll get better. But when I leave this disgusting mound of blankets and pillows that's when shit gets WORSE. That's when I get into fights, that's when I make people angry.
Stop telling me it will get better. Stop telling me there's a reason to live. It won't and there's fucking not. I don't know why I'm still here. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Am I trying to convince myself? Am I trying to show myself that maybe there is some reason? I hope not. Because that would be an unexcusable expression of my absolute stupidity. I already know the truth.
