I cry through my skin.

May 30, 2008 at 00:26 o\clock

Grow Up.

 I'm not quite yet 18...And I've fucking grown up. I know I'll never go to New York, or be a famous writer, I know there's no such thing as forever and that nobody gives a fuck except for me if even that. I know nobody cares if I'm happy, I know my tears don't mean a thing to anyone. I graduated highschool early, I got my DIPLOMIA, not some stupid fucking GED or anything like that. I have a job and even if I don't want to I fucking deal with my finicial responsibilities.

 Oh? I'm fucking broke...Guess I won't eat. I gotta pay my phone bill. Guess I won't go anywhere either. Guess I won't get cigarettes, I guess I'm walking across fucking town or begging a ride. I guess I'm not going out to do anything, I guess I'm not really DOING anything period. I guess I won't get anything I want...I'll just pay the phone bill and hope to God that something happens so that I can have money for fucking food or the bus.

 No matter how much I work at a job that makes me fucking miserable...Not unhappy MISERABLE. iT MAKES ME WANT TO KILL MYSELF. i HATE STEPPING FOOT INTO that fucking place. I hate looking at it or hearing about it. I hate shopping there. I hate everything about it. But I go. I do my shift, I do my work. I smile, I act like I'm happy to be there because that's my fucking job. I let customers yell at me for shit that isn't my fault. I let the bosses yell at me. I let everyone fucking yell and vent until I feel like I am worth absolutely nothing and am contemplating killing myself with my fucking work knife in the bathroom...And I still don't make enough fucking money to make ends meet. I'm SEVENTEEN! I shouldn't have to be fucking worrying about this bullshit. This is fucking bullshit. Why do I have to buy my own food? Why do I have to buy my own clothes? Why do I always have to get myself from point A to point B and be expected be on time? You want me to be a fucking adult...And yet you treat me like a child.

 I can't buy books to read, I can't go out with my friends, I can't even afford to pay my own way with my boyfriend and I despise any type of charity. I've faced the cold reality of a world that really doesn't give a fuck...And now you're making me live in it but by your rules. That's no fucking fair. I either get to be a kid or an adult...If I'm a kid YOU pay for my shit...If I'm an adult, I pay but I get to have my own rules.

May 10, 2008 at 08:50 o\clock

Hating life.

 My heart hurts. My insides hurt. Everything hurts. I hurt. I don't see anything good right now...No reason to try, nothing to work towards...You know your life is fucked up when you don't even know what to pray for...When you don't know what you can hope for.

 Jordan and I aren't going to last.

 Last night we got into a big fight...Where basically he said I don't care about him and that I don't do anything for him. He doesn't understand that I do everything I can for him, I foresake all else to talk to him, I try to give him sound advice...When it's convient for him to see me I find a way to make it work...I'm not doing drugs...I don't hang out with anyone he doesn't want me to...What does he want from me? I send him pictures of myself when I don't want to, I let him do whatever the Hell he wants! And still...Still it's not good enough. Still I'm not good enough. Like always.

 I'm a general failure at life.

 I don't make enough money to help my family, to make my truck payment...I can't drive...Nothing. I am a failure in the absolute. I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I'm fucking retarded. I hate myself.

May 8, 2008 at 04:09 o\clock

Disappointed.

Mood: Pissed, crushed, sad.

 I don't think anybody fucking understands how badly this hurts. I don't think they can possibly fathom how shitty I feel every time I hear his voice or his name. You all tell me that it'll get better, that we'll get to see eachother, that things will be fine just a little different. Fuck all of you. You don't fucking understand. And if you want to fucking tell me how my relationship is going to go...FUCK YOU! I don't even want to fucking deal with this. I just want to go somewhere very far away. I hate this. I fucking hate how one stupid choice ruins your entire fucking life. I get to see my boyfriend, the person I love above else once a month if I'm lucky. And then all we can do is see a fucking movie. What the hell. Why? Because I fucking did drugs? I fucking hate you.

May 7, 2008 at 06:20 o\clock

Just fuck it.

Mood: Suicidal, depressed, isolated.

 I hate everything. I haven't left the fucking house since yesterday. And then I only left for work. I'm not ALLOWED to leave the house til Thursday. And that's to go meet my goddamned bitch of a probational officer and then I have to go get checked for STDs. I really don't see the point in living anymore. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't think Jordan and I are going to be together much longer...We fight too much nowadays...And he's always saying something that really hurts my feelings. Not that it really matters because the whole apartment thing fell apart because he won't enlist the help of his mother. So I don't ever get to see him anyways. There's nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I don't have friends. I don't have family. I barely even have a boyfriend. This life isn't worth living...And anybody that dares to say that it will get better is a bold faced liar. I've been dealing with this shit for seven years now! Almost eight. When I went to the mental hospital they told me I couldn't own a gun for ten years because that's how long before they thought before a person's depression is completely gone. I've been dealing with this for almost ten years now. My desire to die gets fucking stronger each year as I am ever more confronted with how much life sucks.

 Why do people fucking live? Why do people try? This isn't getting any better...It's not for lack of trying. I fucking try all the time to make things get better and it never fucking works. I'm really thinking about saying fuck the probational officer meeting Thursday, taking a bunch of thizz, and then jumping off the golden gate bridge. That sounds like a really good idea to me. And I can't fucking talk to anybody about this. Nobody fucking understands. All they say is 'be strong for just a little while longer'. I CAN'T BE STRONG ANY LONGER. I can't do this anymore! Everyone fucking tells me and they tell me it'll get better and it hasn't! It hasn't gotten any better and I have no fucking hope that it will. Why? Because I'm not stupid. I'm not going to say that these past almost eight years have been good...Or even bearable. I'm not going to sit here and say that I'm paying my pentence for my sins...What God would leave anybody hurt for so long? What God would tell me that he loves me and then fucking shit on me? That's an abusive God. That's a God that lies to get it's way and is only in it for the sick thrill of control. I'm so done with this bullshit...I'm fucking crying all the time...I don't want to talk to anyone, I can't eat...I can't sleep...There are always these big dark circles under my eyes...I don't even fucking care if I shower anymore. I really don't. And that's bad because I am a complete hygene freak. But lately...I don't shower, I don't brush my teeth, I don't shave, and I don't wear make up. My skin is a wreck, my gums bleed, and all I do is sit here in my bed and go to work occasionally. And yet...I know that even if I were to attempt to reach out and seek help, to ask for guidence...All they'll tell me is that it's going to get better. Isn't that a twisted irony? Everyone tells me that I need to go out and do shit and it'll get better. But when I leave this disgusting mound of blankets and pillows that's when shit gets WORSE. That's when I get into fights, that's when I make people angry.

 Stop telling me it will get better. Stop telling me there's a reason to live. It won't and there's fucking not. I don't know why I'm still here. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Am I trying to convince myself? Am I trying to show myself that maybe there is some reason? I hope not. Because that would be an unexcusable expression of my absolute stupidity. I already know the truth.

May 5, 2008 at 06:05 o\clock

He's Doing It On Purpose.

 I told him that I work 11-8. I told him what time lunch was. I told him I'd call him on my break. And I told him I'd call him at lunch. I was late calling him at lunch because Jason showed up and was talking to me...I didn't want to be rude...So he called me...Then only talked to me for like ten minutes. I told him I'd call him on my break...He didn't pick up. I texted him...He didn't text back. I left him a voicemail...He didn't say anything.I called him as soon as I got off...And he didn't call me back. WHY! Because he wants me to worry, and he wants me to be scared...And he's probably off drinking so that he can cheat on me and say 'Oh, well...I was drunk.' And then see how I react.

 I can already tell you how I'll react.

 At first I'll say it's fine...An eye for an eye. But this would be the second time he's been with another girl while 'in love' with me. So I'll start going crazy and asking am I really what he wants...And then I'll desperatly try to be everything he wants while becoming absolutely infuriated that he hurt me so fucking badly a second time...And then I'll blow up in a giant whirlpool of emotion and I'll hate him, but I'll love him...And then I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably wind up breaking up with him for a little bit and then getting back together because I'm fucking stupid and weak. AGH. And he has this all subconciously planned. Fucking asshole.

May 4, 2008 at 07:33 o\clock

I have a very bad feeling...

 Today has been relatively good...No major fights, no major arguments...I cut my hair...I saw one of my friends that's actually a good influence on me...Jordan and I got along...And work wasn't even that bad even though I didn't want to go. I even got a ride home.

 But something is very, very wrong. I can feel it...But I don't know what it is...

 It has to do with Jordan. I called him on my break...We were fine, we talked...He said sweet things to me...It was all good. I told him I loved him and that I'd call him as soon as I got off work because I thought I'd be walking and he gets worried when I walk by myself at night. So I called him...And his phone was off. Okay, maybe he went to sleep? So I left him a voicemail and sent him a text message...He called me back about five minutes later...He told me that he was hanging out with his friend. Normally I wouldn't think twice about it...But he stuttered when he said it and he didn't tell me his friend's name...He always says his friend's name...And he never stutters. That's a sign of a lie.

 Maybe I'm being paranoid...But usually I'm not. Maybe I'm overanalyzing...Sometimes I do...But I know Jordan...I know how he talks and I know his energy and something is very wrong...And for whatever reason...I think it's going to hurt really bad when I figure out what it is. I hope I'm wrong...I really do...But I don't think so. Gut feelings are the ones to always trust...

 Please let me be wrong, because now I'm scared.

May 3, 2008 at 18:55 o\clock

Meh.

 I keep trying...I keep trying and I don't know why or what for. What do I have to look forward to? What do I have that will really make me happy? I have Jordan...Whom thinks I'm a stupid skanky bitch but somehow still loves me...But that's it. I don't have friends...I don't have family...I got nothing. I have one person and I wish that could be enough...It would be if he wasn't so far away...If I could talk to him...If I could touch him....If we could just get together and work this shit out.

May 3, 2008 at 06:26 o\clock

Eventful day.

 So much has happened today...Wow. Just seriously wow.

 I got my driver's permit

 Jordan and I are moving in together.

 My sister asked me for advice on how to break up with her girlfriend.

 and Apparantly I slept with my ex best guy friend.

 And now I am very, very tired. I know I shouldn't go to sleep this early though...I think I'm going to anyways. I have a headache and my entire body hurts...Jordan probably won't call me for at least another hour.

May 1, 2008 at 23:57 o\clock

Addiction.

 Shit finally hit the fan today and now Jordan knows everything. He knows about everything I've done...He was pissed. He yelled and screamed but it was because he was hurt. He was hurt because I was doing shit behind his back and because I didn't talk to him about it. He was hurt that I was lying to him when he's never been anything honest with me. But how could I talk to him? How could I tell him that I'd lost control and lost who I was?...I couldn't. I tried to tell him that I needed help and he told me that yeah I did but I didn't need rehab. I was just depressed. Yes I'm depressed, but I fucking lost control. I lost myself and everything that I am...Is gone. I need to become someone or something again...I need to be able to do something. I need to get away from all this...But I need his help.