I cry through my skin.

Apr 29, 2008 at 06:49 o\clock

Rawr.

 Nobody fucking understands! Nobody! I don't have any fucking friends...I don't have anybody I can talk to...Nothing. I'm fucking alone and everyone wants me to be more alone. Nobody gives a flying fuck about me and those who do only do because they don't fucking know me. I just want to fucking kill myself and have this over with! I want to fucking dig a razor deep into my skin and drag it down until I don't fucking feel anything. I want to choke on my fucking blood and die. And I hope I do. I hope I got some terrible STD that will kill me. I hope I have AIDS or something...I hope I fucking have something that would give me an excuse to fucking kill myself so that I wouldn't have to go through this stupid bullshit anymore. Because if I kill myself now...Jordan is saying he'll have Chris killed. This shit has gotten way out of hand.

 I almost got jumped yesterday by a bunch of people. My best guy friend, Nick, is now my bodyguard and requires me to carry a knife on my person at all times. I'm not allowed to walk anywhere alone because everyone is so fucking worried that I'm going to get really fucked up over this stupid bullshit. And you know what the scary thing is? THEY'RE RIGHT! And tomorrow...I will be walking home alone. Because my friend has school and I'm not going to be pulling him away from his education because of stupid bullshit that I caused. This is all my fucking fault. I'm so fucking stupid. And I'm going fucking crazy!!!!!

 I WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 I can't stop thinking about it. I want to scream it...And then I want to go through with it. Doesn't anybody understand that? Does anybody fucking understand how much shit I keep inside here? I can't do anything right now. I can't even study for my permit test because that's how upset I am. I can't fucking take it. I can't. I just need to go away and go die. That's what I really need right now.

Apr 29, 2008 at 05:28 o\clock

Learning a lesson.

 So let's teach a depressed girl a lesson. We'll teach it to her by doing exactly what we were doing before...Which obviously led to her poor behaviors.

 Mom isn't letting me see Jordan. Pam isn't letting me see Jordan. This is all fucking bullshit!!! If I weren't so fucking unhappy all the time I wouldn't try to fucking forget the world. I wouldn't try to disappear and make myself forget everything. I just want to die. I want to go and kill myself and I actually hope I got an STD so that I CAN die.

 Everyone fucking hates me because of this. Everyone. I hate me because of this....And my insides are so torn up right now I can't even cry. I can't...The tears are burning my eyes but none escape. I want to take a fucking razor and paint a permanant smile on. Maybe then they'd fucking understand...Maybe then they'd finally get that I can't fucking deal with this bullshit.

Apr 28, 2008 at 03:44 o\clock

Stupid Bitch I am.

 I want to fucking die.

 I cheated on Jordan last night...I slept with a friend of mine. I feel so stupid and dirty...I told him...I was always going to tell him but I wanted to make sure that he heard it from me first instead of everyone else. I can't believe I did that...I was so drunk...I don't know how it happened...I really don't. One second I was on the couch drinking a screw driver...Then I was kissing him and then...Yeah.

 The fucked up thing is...The people who know...Hate only me. They don't hate the other females in the poolhouse even they repeatedly cheat on their boyfriends and they fucking lie about it. I could destroy so many lives and so many hearts with just a couple of text messages...I could make them be in the same world of hate and hurt that I am. Except that they wouldn't care as much as I do. They can't tell their boyfriends because they're afraid of losing them. I told Jordan because I love him, because he deserves so much better than me...Because I want him to have the absolute best no matter what it does to me.

 I hate myself so fucking much for this. I can't look in the mirror, I woke up and I just started crying because I realized what had happened. I just want to fucking kill myself because I fucking deserve to die. I feel like the worst person in the world. What's worse is...Jordan didn't get mad at me. He started crying...And he told me that he still wanted to be with me. He told me that he doesn't trust me anymore...But he still wants to be with me and that he went to go get a tattoo with his half of his half of our saying...Love is Forever. The whole thing is This is love and love is forever.  I've fucked up so huge...And I don't know if we used protection or if I'm pregnant or if he's clean or what...We're friends...Good friends even, but we don't talk to eachother about the sexual parts of our life and I never thought of him like that.

 I am an evil, stupid whore.

Apr 25, 2008 at 10:15 o\clock

Self inflicted Rehab

 I have decided that drugs are completely ruining my life. I hate who I am when I'm high...I'm stupid and don't care about the world or anything...I do things I wouldn't normally do and get myself in places that I'm not safe in. I got my ipod jacked last night and there was some kid that was all over me...Practically trying to rape me. I freaked out and called my step dad for a ride.

 Starting tomorrow, I am sober. I will be keeping a daily tally of urges and differences I see in myself and in improvements. I can't keep ruining my life...I'm so fucking sad and lonely all the time...The only time I do feel like I have friends is when I'm high as Hell with a group of other people that are high as Hell. I can't do this any longer...I need to start getting better. NOW.

 I don't want to be like my mom or my dad...I don't want to be like Cassie's dad...I want to go live happily ever after and that can only be done if I get away from this fucking slovato culture.

 Please God, let me become a good person. Or at least a sober one.

Apr 19, 2008 at 05:41 o\clock

Fuck This Life.

 I hate my life so much right now. My best friend and the girl that made a move on her man are off smoking together...Didn't bother to invite me. My boyfriend was supossed to call me back but never did, instead he went to go see a movie with his little brothers which means I'm not hearing from him tonight...And I am sitting alone trying to figure out how the fuck I'm going to take a bus all the way up to where he lives so I can see him for a few hours. Yep. Life sucks.

 If I had money I would go buy a butt load of pot and smoke it to the face...And then I'd take thizz and go have fun without everyone. But no...I'm broke, so I'm sitting here on my laptop doing nothing except waiting for said best friend to come over because she has no place to stay and I get to listen to her yammer on while she's high. High people annoy the fuck out of me when I'm sober. And unfortunetly I just kinda wanna be left alone with a bottle of alcohol so that I can just fucking forget everything and wake up tomorrow and start all over.

 Fuck this life.

Apr 12, 2008 at 07:32 o\clock

Le Sigh...

 I saw Jordan today...And it was magical. I was so happy...Just to be with him...Just to sit with him...To finally have him for real.

 His brothers were nice enough, though one seemed a little bit over-nice, his mom still doesn't care for me but I suposse that's to be expected. I feel so wrong without him with me...I feel like he should be here beside me. I know that he should.

 Pamela started talking about marriage. I don't know why..When Jordan and I decide to get married...That's our right. I want to wait until we're 18 and things can settle down a bit...But he's thinking that he might be off probation soon...I'm thinking they'll just take him off of intensive probation.

 Oh, and yesterday was my court date. Six months probation, weekly pissers, counceling, and a drug awareness class. Fuck that. I have to water down my pee for the next few weeks at least...And I intend to because I know exactly when the tests are! Haha!

 I miss him already...I just wish he were here with me...

Apr 10, 2008 at 07:39 o\clock

Ha.

 My P/O meeting is at 2 PM tomorrow...And all I want to do right now is a lot of drugs. I just want to forget everything and make it go away.

 How fucked up is that?

Apr 10, 2008 at 01:59 o\clock

I fucking hate her.

  Four hours. I haven't seen him for two whole months and she wants me to stay with him for four hours then go sit in the car for an hour while she goes to work because she doesn't want to drive in rush hour traffic. I CAN'T FUCKING SEE HIM ANY OTHER TIME! I get one chance...ONE to fucking see him and she wants me to cut it down to four hours. I hate her. I fucking hate her. And I hate myself. I just want to fucking die.

Apr 8, 2008 at 08:39 o\clock

It just keeps getting fucking better...

 I knew it was going to be a shitty day. I woke up in a room full of hung over people, tired as Hell, then had to track across town to be home in time for a phone call from Jordan's Mom that wound up being 7 minutes long and it was just long enough to tell me there's no way in Hell he's coming down here to visit and I get to go up there but we need a chaperone to make sure we don't have sex or do drugs.

 So then I go and cry a little bit and cut myself...Hurts. Walk to work and get told by my boss that she's worried about me and that everyone knows I'm still a fucked up drugged out bitch.

 Then I come home and when I ask my mother to drive and chaperone us she says ask my father.

-_- HE WON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!!! He'll say it's my own damn fault or it's his fault or something and that he has no fucking time.

 I'm not going to get to see Jordan. Fucking great...All because my parents WON'T fucking watch me! I think I'll go cut my wrists now...Maybe then they'll learn where to fucking watch.

Apr 3, 2008 at 08:46 o\clock

Bam

 I just got smacked in the face by depression. Really hard.

 I want to cry now. But it's the time of depressed where the tears just sting your eyes but won't let you cry them.

 I just realized what a fucked up hole my life is.

 I have no money.

 I have no friends.

 I might as well not have a boyfriend.

 And I'm a fat, lazy, bitch.

 If I had money...I'd be on drugs right now. I wish I hadn't come home...I wish I'd stayed at Annie's and chilled there and then I wouldn't be thinking because I'd be with Annie and I rarely think when I'm with her.

 GOD DAMNIT!

 Where did all this come from? I just want to die right now. Everything feels so pointless and stupid...And I don't know why....

Apr 3, 2008 at 05:49 o\clock

Finally.

 Jordan and I can now begin communicating via the telephone and letters. Woot. He called Mario today and I asked to answer the phone...I didn't recognize the number so I didn't do my usual 'Mario's house of heirums, this is ____ speaking, would you like to rent a whore?" And the voice on the other end was like "Is this Kat?"

 O.O FREAKY RANDOM VOICE FROM A DIFFERENT AREA CODE KNOWS MY NAME!!! WTF?!?!

 "Yes, this is Kat...Who's this?"

 "This is God who do you think it is?"

 "I don't know!"

 "Jordan."

 "Jordan?!"

 And then we talked...For a long time. About mostly nothing. But God...I heard his voice...And I actually asked him if he still loved me. To which he said of course I do. Everyone saw it when I went back in there...How much happier I was. It's amazing that he still has that power over me...Even though we haven't seen eachother in forever.

 It's such a relief to know he still loves me...You have no clue.