I cry through my skin.

 I partied all weekend. Seriously, four days straight. Day one, got shitty. Day two, did probably about a gram of coke, days three and four thizzed out of my mind. I'm back to reality now...I can't really say I missed it. I wanted to forget for a little while though...And trust me I did lol. I met a lot of people...It was interesting.

 Now I'm back to the real world...Sitting in my room, alone. It's weird...These past four days I've been with a huge group of people...Somebody always trying to talk to me or something. And now...I'm in my quiet room on Easter. Wow.

Mood: Suicidal

 If I could go back and change it all...I would. If I could have just taken more pills...Or if I could have just cut deeper...ANYTHING...Anything just so I would have to feel like this. This fucking hurts! I want to cut myself to ribbons, I want to throw up until there's nothing left...I just want to disappear. I want everything to go away. I'm never going to get to see Jordan again...Never. Not that it matters because at some point I'll probably wind up getting in a shitload of trouble for the fake name. All I want...Is to be with him. I'd give everything in a heartbeat for it. But his mom frickin' hates me and so I can't. I'm sorry I messed up, I've realized this. I'm trying my best to make it better. I just want to be able to touch him again, to be with him once more...That's all. And I'm never going to get that...So I'd rather be fucking dead.

 Tomorrow is the court date for the fake name I used. I could be so royally fucked if they find out that it was me...Or that it was fake. I don't know how smart the police force is...But I know that if I get caught I'm in there til I'm 18...In which case I won't be with Jordan anymore. Or anybody. I'll be in fucking Juvenile Hall. I won't get caught. I WON'T. I just won't be stupid, I won't draw attention to myself. I'm not going down for this, no way in Hell.

 Almost an entire month since I've seen him...Last call I actually got was on Sunday...Got three letters yesterday...And yet still I'm on pins and needles waiting for his call. I just want to know what happened to him...I know better than to ask Jairus...I don't know Pam's number otherwise I'd ask her without a second thought...GOD DAMNIT! PLEASE! I've been waiting and hoping all day for any type of contact from him...Anything...Anything at all. I just want to know what's going to happen...

 Jordan's sentencing was over four hours ago. I haven't heard ANYTHING from him yet. Or anybody. I'm sitting here, shaking like a leaf...Although that may be because I took a shit load of Niacin just to be sure any pot I MAY have had lurking in my system is gone. Definantly Niacin...My skin is flushed like a mofo and I'm all itchy and on fire. I don't care. Any pain I endure here is well worth it. Just as long as I can be with him. That's ALL I care about.

 I got three of the sweetest letters from him yesterday...He put his last name as mine. Anybody that saw how red I blushed would have though I'd already gotten a head start on the Niacin lol. He told me how much he loves me and misses me...That he can't wait to see me and to be with me...He told me that he's not going to give up on this no matter what. It was nice...To hear him say those things to me. He's never been much of a romantic...And at least every once in a while to know I'm not a complete nutcase sap is nice. Waiting...Waiting...Waiting for a call. PLEASE GOD let him call me...

 I feel proud of myself....Yay me. Could have really used it too...My day has been absolute shit. But I'm begining to think I might have a slight addiction...Not like I physically need it...But it helps with a lot of shit I've got going on. And I really want it a lot of the times. Since I don't like the idea of being addicted, that shit is gone gone gone.

 Boss-man Tiffy was in a bad mood all day and took it out on me. I woke up late after not getting to sleep until like 5 in the morning...Woke up at 10:15. Took a quick shower and then went to work looking like something out of Night of The Living Dead. Which of course, everyone commented on. People seemed to break shit on purpose...And if I tried cleaning it up it was always the wrong way according to Tiff and if I didn't then 'why the hell didn't I?' I tried to get out of work on time today so I could get Jordan's phone call(he almost always calls on Sunday) only to find out I'd already missed it. April 10th is my court date...I don't know what to expect. The absolute worst they can do to me is put me in Juvy for six months, and 5 days. That's till I'm 18....I think I'd kill myself though. I don't think Jordan would wait for me...As fucked up as that sounds. I feel evil saying that...Because he's supossed to be my one true love and everything...And he IS. He completes me in a way no one else ever could and he makes me smile for real...I guess I'm just a cynical bitch because I don't trust him or anybody for that matter. I don't trust the male species. I don't trust females. Damn. I don't even trust this weblog half the time.

 Oh, and on top of all that...I think I'm being followed. I hear footsteps on my street late...When no one is out and I keep seeing the same car with the same driver over and over again...It's sketching me out. Like, I don't want to walk around at night because of it. I'm half debating just taking Pyro out now and walking him to see if anybody else is out...But that's a bad idea. It's a Sunday night in my shitty ass city...If someone is trying to kill me or something...I'd be dead and even if I did scream nobody would hear it.  So I guess I'll stay in tonight:-p I'd like to go be with someone though...I'd like to go be with Jordan. But that I can't do. Suckage.

 Jordan's trial date is set for the 12th. It is exactly....4 days7hours and 46 minutes from the time I started typing this. This date...Could determine the rest of our lives together. If we even have a rest of our lives together.

 I have prayed, and I have begged, I have sworn...Promised...I have asked every star on the night sky and still...Still I'm scared. I've only prayed once before. When I was 10, my grandmother was very ill with cancer. The adults wouldn't let me see her...Because they were afraid I'd react badly. When they brought me in to say goodbye...It was but a pale shell of my Grammy. Her beautiful blonde hair had all gone grey, the sparkle in her pretty blue eyes was gone...The lady that was a second mother to me was gone. And this being in front of me...Was in so much obvious pain. That night was the first time I ever prayed. When my mother and sister went to sleep I got down on my knees and through the tears that pressed through my closed eyes...I asked that God take her away from her pain. The next day, after everyone was up and had started the day...She was gone.

 More than seven years later...I beg help of a God that seems to rather enjoy my suffering. I swear, I will not drink hard alcohol again until I'm 21(18th birthday excluded). I swear, if you told me to never touch a joint again...I wouldn't. I won't pop pills, I won't snort lines...I'll be clean. I'll be GOOD. Just please, give me back the other half of my soul. Please let us be able to be together...

 I don't think you guys even know. If anyone reads this mindless rambling. I have lived in darkness and hurt for so long...I don't KNOW what happiness is. To me, that good, uncaring, floaty feeling that I get when I do drugs or drink...That's happy. That's the closest thing I know to happiness. But with this boy...The hurt and the darkness...Go away. He makes me believe that I am worth something...That I'm beautiful...And not only that I can be something...That I am something. Something good...Unique. He makes me feel complete, real. And a lot of days he's the best reason I can think of to get out of bed and go to a job I hate where I make shit wages and deal with people in shitty moods all day. It's not that I can't imagine the rest of my life without him...I can. The thing is, it wouldn't be a happy life. I'd go back to the darkness from whence I came...Back to anorexia, back to self mutilation, back to letting people abuse me...I'd go back to that hurtful little world and the worse thing is...I wouldn't care.

 March 12th...Keep your fingers crossed. Please.

 I have seriously been considering the possibility of time travel these past few hours. More insane, I've been considering TRYING it.

 I just want to change one thing. Just one. On Febuary 10th...I will NOT answer Chris's phone call. Audrey and I won't do thizz...And Jordan won't be arrested! From the evidence people have offered on this forum I've been going to...Either it's a very articulate group of schitzophrenic pathological liars...Or it's possible. It takes discipline, and it takes will. And I WILL do this. Maybe I've finally gone crazy...I think I have...But still. Or even being arrested is fine...But Febuary thirteenth...Jordan and I won't try to buy thizz. And all will be well in the world. Anything that will keep him here with me. This means that I would technically go into an alternate timeline with my love and we would live out the future there. My concious would leave this timeline behind so I would never write this...It's all really trippy to think about. I'm ready, I'm willing, and I'm really hopeful. Please, God...