Jordan's trial date is set for the 12th. It is exactly....4 days7hours and 46 minutes from the time I started typing this. This date...Could determine the rest of our lives together. If we even have a rest of our lives together.
I have prayed, and I have begged, I have sworn...Promised...I have asked every star on the night sky and still...Still I'm scared. I've only prayed once before. When I was 10, my grandmother was very ill with cancer. The adults wouldn't let me see her...Because they were afraid I'd react badly. When they brought me in to say goodbye...It was but a pale shell of my Grammy. Her beautiful blonde hair had all gone grey, the sparkle in her pretty blue eyes was gone...The lady that was a second mother to me was gone. And this being in front of me...Was in so much obvious pain. That night was the first time I ever prayed. When my mother and sister went to sleep I got down on my knees and through the tears that pressed through my closed eyes...I asked that God take her away from her pain. The next day, after everyone was up and had started the day...She was gone.
More than seven years later...I beg help of a God that seems to rather enjoy my suffering. I swear, I will not drink hard alcohol again until I'm 21(18th birthday excluded). I swear, if you told me to never touch a joint again...I wouldn't. I won't pop pills, I won't snort lines...I'll be clean. I'll be GOOD. Just please, give me back the other half of my soul. Please let us be able to be together...
I don't think you guys even know. If anyone reads this mindless rambling. I have lived in darkness and hurt for so long...I don't KNOW what happiness is. To me, that good, uncaring, floaty feeling that I get when I do drugs or drink...That's happy. That's the closest thing I know to happiness. But with this boy...The hurt and the darkness...Go away. He makes me believe that I am worth something...That I'm beautiful...And not only that I can be something...That I am something. Something good...Unique. He makes me feel complete, real. And a lot of days he's the best reason I can think of to get out of bed and go to a job I hate where I make shit wages and deal with people in shitty moods all day. It's not that I can't imagine the rest of my life without him...I can. The thing is, it wouldn't be a happy life. I'd go back to the darkness from whence I came...Back to anorexia, back to self mutilation, back to letting people abuse me...I'd go back to that hurtful little world and the worse thing is...I wouldn't care.
March 12th...Keep your fingers crossed. Please.