I cry through my skin.

Feb 28, 2008 at 04:12 o\clock

FUCK!

 I haven't cut in over a month. Before that I only did it on and off...And NOW now my mom fucking finds out that I did it! I swear to God if she comes near me again I will kill myself. I'd rather die than go back to that place and if she dares to try to instil any of her fucking 'safety measures' on me again I will kill myself. I have nothing to live for, and I will not have my life ruled by an evil tyranical bitch that I fucking hate.

Feb 27, 2008 at 23:05 o\clock

Back.

The silence is intolerable. Noise is just as bad. Can't talk to anybody....Don't want to. All these feelings inside of me...Just come together and they're getting worse. I never thought that my depression was getting better...I never thought that I was feeling any better than I was years ago when I started this weblog...But now I realize how much better I had gotten. I remember these feelings...I remember not caring if I shower, I remember not wanting to talk to anyone, I remember smiling because I had to...Not because I want to. I remember everything making me angry, but learning to hide that anger. I remember feeling as though I was stupid...Worthless...Nothing. I remember all of this...It wasn't a path I wanted to walk down again. It wasn't a place I ever though I should go to again. I remember obsessing over my body...I remember staring at the mirror for hours and thinking that everything that could go wrong will. I remember not wanting to go out because I couldn't connect with anyone...Feeling like I have no true friends. I remember feeling pathetic and young every time tears pricked my eyes. I remember...I remember all this...And I know where it goes.

 How the Hell did I wind up back here? After all the healing...After all the good things that have happened...How is it that I've wound up back HERE? I never did drugs, I didn't smoke...Nothing. I was a calm, goody-two-shoes...I wore all black, I had glasses, I had long black hair, I wore make up every day...I'm not that girl any more. I'm not that small, frightened, unhappy person. And yet, here I am again. Sleeping all day because I don't want to think...Not wanting to eat because I don't feel as though even if I am hungry that I deserve food. Feeling like a failure, like I can't do anything right. I'm here, I'm back. Why?

 Because Jordan is gone. Because I'm never going to see him again. Because I'd found the other half of my being and I lost him. How could I have been so stupid? I just want him back again...And I know I can never have him back. So why do I pretend...Why do I say I have a boyfriend when I know he's never going to be mine again? If I even do manage to get the curteousy of a call it's going to be 'I'm sorry Kat, I can't do this.' And I KNOW that. So why do I hold on to shallow hopes, to dreams that will never come true? Why do I hold on to him when I need to be learning to stand on my own? Why do I cry at night over him? Why do I wear his jacket just to feel him a little bit closer to me? Why can't I fucking let go? And why am I crying even now, when I know my mother is going to be home soon and her seeing me in tears will only alarm her further?

 There is so much inside of me right now...And it all hurts. For the longest time...Depression was a void. An empty space that needs feeling. Now it's a creature...It's alive and it's trying to destroy me.

Feb 26, 2008 at 06:11 o\clock

More Tales of Retarded Youth.

  Last night was epic. My friend Kristin texted me around six asking if I could hang out when I got off of work...I asked my mom, she said yes. After giving her the thumbs up she tells me there is alcohol. Yay, liquor. So we have two bottles of hard alcohol, thirty dollars of pot, and a safe place to sleep. Of course we're going to live it up.

 Kristin and I get into the car with an old friend of ours and her boyfriend...They drop us off at Kristin's hang-out place...Then she calls a few people and they show up. So we all drink some cinnamon schnapps, smoke a joint and a couple of bowls, and then misson it to the pool. Where we drink some more and talk about girly things. Then we go to the other hot tub, bringing our liquor and meet up with three guys. We're all sitting and drinking, talking and having fun.

 "Okay, so who's going to let me in?"

 Fucking cops. NOT happy. I gave them a fake age, a fake name, fake address...Everything. They didn't search me or anything and let me go with a citation and a court date for the fake name. I was so scared I was going to get in a lot of trouble.

 Then I get home and mom slaps me in the face because I didn't call. I swear to God...If the cops hadn't of just seen me last night I would have slapped her back.  And now I'm grounded for a week and it sucks.

Feb 22, 2008 at 08:02 o\clock

....Fuck...

Mood: Depressed, guilty, lonely.

 It's times like this when I realize how much I miss Jordan. It's already been a week...It feels like an eternity. Last night I went drinking with his friends...And when I threw up and passed out on the couch...All I could think is God, I wish he were here. I know that's silly, but if he'd just been there...It wouldn't have been so depressing. Not to mention those assholes wouldn't have been saying 'Dude, if you don't get with her I'm going to punch you'. That's just sickening. They went on to talk about how hott I was and all that...As I was laying with vomit in my hair. Yep, that'd turn me on too. It's the times when I have something to look forward to, that I just want to share the excitement, the happiness with him...Because we've shared so much sorrow. I want to be able to make HIM smile, make HIM laugh...Make his dark clouds go away...And I can't. Because he's not here. It's like there's just this hole inside of me...Something that no matter how hard I try...I can't fill up or make go away. I can't replace Jordan. Not that I'd ever want to...But something to take the edge off...Even just a little...Would be nice.

 I talked to Ken yesterday. He got engaged, got unengaged, and is now going to go live in New York. It's funny, I honestly always thought that talking to him would bring up a lot of unresolved questions...I thought that I'd wonder why he left me...Why things didn't work out...But honestly...I didn't. I was sad that his life didn't go as well as it could of...Instead I told him how Jordan and I are engaged....At least, I hope we still are. I haven't heard from him, that scares me. I just want to hear his voice, see his writing..ANYTHING. I just want to feel close to him. It's been a week! A whole fucking week and I haven't heard anything from him...Does he hate me as much as everyone else? Is he sorry that he ever got involved with me? He told me he loved me when he left...He actually asked the cops if he could say goodbye to me and he gave me a kiss and let me hug him...He said he still loved me...But maybe his brother has been telling him that it's my fault...That I'm the one that's dragged him down. Maybe his brother won on this one...Damnit! Damnit, damnit, damnit. How could this happen? How could I have LET this happen? Why am I so fucking stupid? I HATE MYSELF! THIS IS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT! His brother's right...I don't deserve Jordan. I never have. I was stupid to believe that it would work.

Feb 18, 2008 at 06:26 o\clock

....God...

Mood: Suicidal, miserable.

 I just want to die. I've lost everything that matters. I don't even have my boyfriend anymore. I don't have my best friend. I have nothing. I've fucked up so badly this time...There is absolutely no fucking way to fix this. I've messed up everything...I've lost everything. I'm never getting Audrey back. I'm never getting Jordan back. I'm alone. It's all my fault.

Feb 17, 2008 at 08:40 o\clock

Fucked up.

 I'm fucked up...And I hate myself for it. I hate myself for being everything that I am. I hate myself for getting my boyfriend arrested...I hate myself for listening to everyone telling me that it's my fault. I hate myself for not being stronger...For not being smarter...For not fighting when I know I should...I hate myself for not dying...I hate myself for not letting lying dogs lay. I hate myself for being everything I am...I hate myself for everything inside of me.

 I am everything I never wanted. I've become exactly what I said I wouldn't. I stare at the world, and it's not real. I don't even know what's real anymore. When I look in the mirror, that's not me. When I see pictures, who the Hell is she? When I'm talking...It's not my voice...That's not my laugh...Those aren't my thoughts. It's like there's a stranger inside of me...And that stranger has poisoned me...Beaten me into submission. I hate what I've become. And because of what? Drugs? Sex? What? What do I blame? Is it because of weakness? Because of stupidity? What is it about me that's made me the way I am? What can I do to change it?

 I can't stand being with myself...Hearing my thoughts...It hurts. I can't stand looking at my sorry face in the mirror...Those wide, vacant eyes with shadows underneath them...I can't stand talking to people...Because I know I'm poison and I kill them. I just need to go away...I need to go somewhere that I can't hurt anybody...Somewhere that I can get better...That I can get stronger and become something other than the evil that everyone hates so much.

 I want to cut myself but I don't have the energy. I don't think I'd even enjoy the pain. I want to kill myself but I don't see the point...Because I won't fucking die. I want to run away...But they'll just catch me...They'll just bring me back and force me back into submission. I just want to escape...But there's no way out. This is here to stay. And if I could escape it...If I could become the girl I know I'm supossed to be...If I could become anything...Anything at all besides this...I would. But instead I'm here. I'll take all your blame...I will be everything you hate because that's what you want me to be. And I'm trying so hard to please you...To make you happy...But nothing I do is ever good enough. I'm never good enough...For anybody. Including myself.

 It's my fucking fault Jordan's locked away!!!! It's my fault he's not out wandering around...Doing nothing, doing everything. It's my fault that his brother hates me and that now he and I can probably never have a happily ever after. It's my fault that I've fucked up everything that's ever mattered to me and now I have absolutely nothing. Now everything I ever wanted isn't for me to have. And it hurts so badly...I hate myself so much...I just want to make it go away. I'm sorry, I really truely am...How can I make it better? How can I make things okay? I can't. I can't. There's no way to. It's all so beyond fucked up that...Everyone would be happier if I just went away.

Feb 15, 2008 at 07:39 o\clock

It All Finally Fell Apart.

 On Valentines day nonetheless. Jordan got arrested today, while we were housesitting. Let me explain everything.

 Last night we were going to do thizz, but eventually decided it was a bad idea. After we decided it was a bad idea...Jordan's brother called mad as Hell. Telling Jordan to be home at 10 in the morning. Jordan didn't want to go home at 10 this morning...So he fought his brother tooth and nail. Which escalated...Escalated...Now his entire family hates me...And he's in jail. This is all my fault...It really is...I fucking hate myself. I'm turning in my two weeks at Longs as soon as I get rid of my truck...As soon as I get rid of my finacial obligations...And then I'm going to focus on getting the Hell out of here.

 I was hysterical earlier...Now nothing seems real...Nothing seems like it can hurt me...Touch me...It's all fake. The only thing that's real is the emtpiness inside of me right now. And I hate my fucking life. I know that there are going to be more reprecussions for what I've done...Tiffany is probably going to rip me a new asshole when she gets home...I don't fucking care. I really, honestly, truely, don't. All I care about is getting my boyfriend back and getting the fuck out of here. I've lost everything that's mattered to me in a matter of days...There's nothing anyone can do to make it better.

Feb 13, 2008 at 06:55 o\clock

Sad On Life.

 It's like everywhere I turn something else is falling to pieces. Something else has changed. I have no controle over anything anymore...I'm losing fucking everything. I don't have friends, I don't have a life, I feel like I'm losing Jordan...Just...Everything is going to shit. I want to scream and cry and hate the world...But I know this is all my fault. I got wrapped up in the culture of this town...I made the stupid mistake every other teenager I know made. I got cocky, I thought that I was special...That I was smarter...That somehow I could escape the punishing hand of the police force. I was stupid. I made a bad choice...Not the drugs, not even stealing the shopping cart...But being on drugs and stealing the shopping cart. And I know I'm sorry because I got caught, not because I think what I did was wrong. I've had more dealings with the police since turning seventeen than I have my entire life combined. I hate things. I hate everything. I just want everything to GO AWAY. I want it all to disappear, forever. I want it to leave and never return. I don't want this anymore, don't want this ever again. This sucks. I just want to go far far away and start over and make it go right this time. Unfortunetly, I can't.

 Funny thing is, I was doing okay these past couple of days. Jordan came to see me, and I was okay. It's funny how someone can have such a profound effect on your life...Just by existing. Oh, and I'm broke as Hell. Fucking great. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE! I need to sell a lot of shit to get my car payment...I have some jewelry I can probably sell...I dunno...I can't borrow money from anyone...I don't know anyone WITH money...Audrey would lend me money if she had it....Oh, and if we were allowed to see eachother. I don't know what I'm going to do...I think I just have to get rid of my truck. And then I'll quit my job. It's not like I can drive anyways. I want to kill myself. My fucking dream...And I can't have it. Because I fail at life.

Feb 10, 2008 at 13:40 o\clock

Got Caught.

Mood: High

 So, I had a shitty day at work. Everything that could go wrong...DID. There were a ton of customers, a couple of people called in sick, another couple came in early so they could fucking leave early...It sucked. A lot. I hate Longs. So, Jordan's friend calls me up and asks if Jordan's there...No, Jordan's not here...'Oh Damn, I was looking for someone to buy thizzle.' Dude...I'll buy. So I bought seven pills...And took three and a half. Gave the other three and a half to Audrey. We were so fucking high, not funny. I'm still pretty high. So we decide to go out, and we're walking down Grant when we see a shopping cart. It's just chilling in there and I ask Audrey if she'll push me in it. My loving best friend complies and pushes me in it...Halfway down Grant...Then we switch. At the end of the street there's a mouth that opens up to railroad tracks...ANd we were down there...As I threw up. And pissed myself. At which point I said fuck it and left my underwear lying there. Piss and all. Then I pushed her the rest of the way to the Shell station to pick up some water...Which really sucked because I'd thought I'd lost my wallet...When I didn't. So it took us forever to scrouge AUdrey's purse and all we could find was one dollar. The total came to 1.19. She'd already taken a sip by the time we realized we couldn't pay...But the guy gave it to us for the dollar. Which was really nice of him.

 

 So we walk our lilly asses around Novato a little more...Then realize we're out of cigarettes. We take the shopping cart, switch positions so that Audrey was the driver, and start going home to get money for cigarettes...And a cop rolls by. We're like O SHIT! And try to turn into a dead ally. Didn't work...Cop came right back.

Cop:What're you up to?

Kat:Going for a walk.

Audrey:We'll return the cart.

Cop:How old are you?

Kat:18

Audrey:18

Cop:Both of you are 18?

Kat:Yes.

Cop:ANy drinking tongith?

(both K+A):No

Cop:Any other drugs  I should know about?

Kat:No

Audrey:Nope

Cop:What're your names?

Kat:Celest

Audrey:Amy

*Cop pauses for a moment*

Cop:Last names?(Silence from K+A)Now, why don't you tell me how old you really are?

Kat:17*gets out of shopping cart*(I'd been sitting in it the whole time).

Audrey:16

Cop:That's more like it.

 He took down our phone numbers and then did this test to see how big our pupils were. They were huge, the biggest one possible. We were obviously on drugs. So he cuffed us up and took us down to the police station. I now have a citation for being under the influence of controled substances. No way I can leave Longs now. I'm kinda stuck there until that shit falls off the record. Maybe since I'm only 17 though it won't go on my permanant record. So we sit in the police station, and they call our parental units after drawing blood...Mom picks up and comes to get me. She's really disappointed/pissed at me. I can understand...I mean, it was a bad thing for me to do. I understand that.  I shouldn't have stolen that shopping cart. But it was a Safeway Shopping cart by Baskin Robbins...Which is on the other side of town than Safeway, so obviously no one was missing it that much.

 I'm still really high. I think that's bad lol mostly because usually getting in trouble is a buzz kill...Right now, I don't care. Like, at all.

 Anyways...Now I'm going to talk about my lover. Mr. Jordan. I don't think I ever went into much detail there. Okay, so Wensday night...I was supossed to hang with Audrey when she got it town. Yay, this was while Jordan and I were still broken up mind you....So I just got high all day...She couldn't smoke otherwise I would have smoked with her. And Jordan calls me. Out of the blue. Crying. So after a while I get that he's coming down to Novato to see me...And we started talking. He was hysterical, really upset...Really broken. Much like myself...Except minus the suicide attempt. He told me how scared he was he was going to lose me to the pills...That he got really sad and tried calling my house a million times(Which he did). We talked about us, and what happened with that fat chick(whom I saw outside of my work today! Evil Bitch!). And we decided it was the drug. That cocaine had changed who he was, but now that he knew it and accept it...We could try and work through the hurt and go on. So we're back together now...And honestly, I am happy about it. Just the thought of him makes me happy...I will marry that boy someday...Mark my words.

Feb 9, 2008 at 07:24 o\clock

Not. Happy.

 Today fucking sucked. I hate today. Turns out despite my concious effort to set my alarm, it didn't go off, so I woke up late...I had 20 minutes to get out of the house. Not an easy feat for me. I can pinpoint exactly when yesterday my throat started killing me and it's been going ever since...I hurt all night last night...I just kept crying because my body hurt and it's not like I can take anything. My body is fucking immuned to pain meds. I still hurt. My entire upper half is throbbing and I'm about ready to take a bat to my head just to make it stop. I don't know what's wrong with me...Why my body hurts all the time. It shouldn't...I know it shouldn't. I know that I shouldn't cry when I eat because it fucking hurts...It hurts to drink...It hurts to swallow my spit. I can't lay still because then the pains just that much more noticable...But if I keep moving then it gets worse until it's nearly blinding and I'm forced to sit still and let it rule me. It fucking hurts.

 On top of that...I'm feeling stupid for getting back together with Jordan. Not because I don't want to be with him, but because I know it's never going to work. There's a lot of things that really bother me about him...Like the fact that he has porn on his ceiling and he wants me to go over to his house and stay the night. Gonna have sex with me while looking at the porn-stars? Great. He doesn't understand that if he intends to have a woman in his life...He'd better make her feel like the only woman in his life otherwise she's gonna get fed up and start looking for other men. I haven't reached the fed up point yet...But guys are starting to pay a lot of attention to me. Which is creepy. Some asshole at work actually had the audacity to touch my boob today. Not a worker, a customer. One I'd never seen before and so help me God if I ever see him again...I used to like the attention, now it just makes me feel disgusting. It makes me feel like a piece of meat...Something to be oggled at and admired and commented on.

 My throat and head hurt so bad right now...And I have a cough. Which is worse because every time I cough, I do start crying. And it's embaressing. But it hurts...So bad. And I can't make the pain go away. Maybe I should go see a doctor...I'm too young for this shit.

Feb 8, 2008 at 08:27 o\clock

The Worries of A Teenage Dropout.

 Money. Friends. Judgement. Work. Love.

 Money: I never used to think about it. I never worried if I'd have enough or too little...If I had money, I had it. I never thought about having it, I never needed it...I never had to borrow or loan...It was just...There. If I needed it, great. If I didn't, better. It's just bits of green paper. Unfortunetly, everyone is always demanding more of it. More which I don't have. No matter how hard I work...It's never good enough.

 Friends: This goes with judgement. They don't understand me, they don't understand how I think or feel...I just feel soa lone all the time. No one understands why I tried to kill myself...They weren't even surprised. They're just like Oh, another suicide attempt by Kat. Woot. I dunno, I used to be able to rely on someone being there if I wanted a hug, or someone to cry to...Now it just seems like I'm always doing the listening and being cried at. I don't mind, I don't mind listening...I don't mind helping...But when I tell you I took twenty-one pills...I DON'T want to hear about the awesomely cute thing your boyfriend said to you. That's. Fucked. Up. Nobody seems to care, and if I try to let them in...To make them understand...They get scared. They don't want to hear it. They tell me it hurts them too much to listen...Too much to listen? I have it inside of me at all times...I'm never without it. It CONSUMES me. It's destroying me.

 Work:Sucks. Hate Longs. Hate Longs. Hate Longs. Fucking always changing my schedual around...Always giving me the shitty hours because nobody else wants them. Thanks. Thanks a lot Longs. I'm looking for a new job.

 Love: Don't hate me. Please. And don't judge me. Yes, I'm back with him. He called me while I was high outta my mind last night and I didn't think to tell him I didn't want to see him. Because I did. A lot. So we talked today, we hung out, and we talked some more. The drug got a hold of him...That doesn't make it right, nor is he forgiven by ANY standards....But I love him with everything inside of me...I love him enough to give him the chance he doesn't deserve to give Us the chance that we need. I love him enough to throw away my friend's respect...I love him enough to disappoint those that are dearest to me...I love him more than anything. And it hurts me...Deeply because I don't trust him. Because I'm scared of what he might do. But me being the masochistic little thing I am...Said...What the Hell. One more shot. Make it worth the time and walk away without any questions.

 Never thought that this was what life boils down to. Me being with a recovering drug addict working a part time job I hate. Never thought that I'd drop out of highschool and graduate online. I never thought I'd be here, then again...I never thought I'd make it to be this age.

Feb 6, 2008 at 21:36 o\clock

I don't think i want this...

 What hurts the most...He was online...And he didn't even read my emails. He didn't care, once again. I don't think he's hurt by this, I don't think that he misses me...But God I miss him. It hurts, because I roll over in the night and expect to feel his strong, warm body against mine and it's just cold. There's nothing and it's cold. I wish I hadn't broken up with him...I really do. I wish I'd just worked through the hurt...Like I should have. Like we should have. Talked it out...We could have. I'd been okay with that...We were back together!!!! Doesn't that mean he loved me more? That he wanted ME more? That's enough...Isn't it? I don't want other guys. I don't want other loves. I don't want to move on. I want him.

Feb 6, 2008 at 20:06 o\clock

We Don't Want What's Best For us...

Mood: Restless, sad, borderline suicidal

 Take me for example. Jordan is online, right now, and more than anything in the world I want him to message me. Masochistic little thing I am. As I'm rolling a joint to be epically high all day long...All I can think about is him and I want him. I think I hurt my friend's feelings last night...I told him I wasn't looking for love...And he signed off without saying anything and then later messaged me saying that I mean a lot to him. Gah. I just don't want to put my heart out there again...Not when it's still taken...Not when it still hurts and I'm still crying over it. Seven months...That's a long time to love somebody. And to say it's all over in an instant...When there hadn't been a lot of problems or anything...That's just...Cruel. I don't want what's best for me...I want my old boyfriend back, I want a lot of really heavy drugs, and I want everyone in the world to know that I'm not fucking okay.

Feb 6, 2008 at 07:06 o\clock

Happy Gone.

Mood: Sad, alone, failure

 I hate this. I've had four different guys express a desire to date me in the past three days. CREEPY! I don't wanna date no more! Don't wanna fuck, don't wanna go over to your house and get high...I want to focus on the things that won't leave me. I want to get my job back on track, I'm looking into colleges for either Fashion Photography or Fashion design. Yep, I'm going to college kids!!!! I really want to go to one down in LA...But mom won't let me. She says SF is far enough.

  I don't want to put my heart out there again. I don't want to deal with it. It hurts, and it's not rewarding at all. I'm done with love, despite how much I thought I always wanted it...I really don't. Not after that. That was the last blow I can deal with....And tomorrow...Despite the tears and the desire to hold on...I'ma burn all the pictures, all the letters, and everything he gave me. It's really over. And I'm still alive...For whatever reason. And this all hurts.

 

Feb 6, 2008 at 05:06 o\clock

Stoned.

Mood: Calm, peaceful
Listening to: Livin La Vida Loca:)

 I feel okay right now. Like maybe my life isn't over. Granted, this is after my third joint, some running, and a cigarette...But it's a step in the right direction. I can't say I understand why he did what he did, or why he wanted me afterwards...All I can think of is he didn't find what he thought he wanted in her. I guess he didn't find what he wanted in me either...Otherwise he wouldn't have been looking...

 I remember someone saying something about pills shutting your system down in a matter of days rather than hours. It'd be just my luck if after I start the road towards getting better I die. But I saw Death last night...And I felt an angel with me, holding me down when I wanted to go away. So there has to be something I have to do before I die...Something that will help somebody important in some way. We all have our destinies, and mine is not to be killed at age seventeen broken over an douche-monkey that said the L word. Something has to happen...Something good.

Feb 6, 2008 at 05:05 o\clock

...Stoned.

Mood: Calm, peaceful
Listening to: Livin La Vida Loca!!!!

 I feel okay right now. Like maybe my life isn't over. Granted, this is after my third joint, some running, and a cigarette...But it's a step in the right direction. I can't say I understand why he did what he did, or why he wanted me afterwards...All I can think of is he didn't find what he thought he wanted in her. I guess he didn't find what he wanted in me either...Otherwise he wouldn't have been looking...

 I remember someone saying something about pills shutting your system down in a matter of days rather than hours. It'd be just my luck if after I start the road towards getting better I die. But I saw Death last night...And I felt an angel with me, holding me down when I wanted to go away. So there has to be something I have to do before I die...Something that will help somebody important in some way. We all have our destinies, and mine is not to be killed at age seventeen broken over an douche-monkey that said the L word. Something has to happen...Something good.

Feb 5, 2008 at 19:30 o\clock

Failed Suicide.

 Well, that failed. I tried to kill myself last night...Took a bottle of pills...Didn't throw up...Haven't eaten in...God knows how long....And what happened? The world went black and my nose bled for a while. And I'm still alive. Fucking life.

      Now, for those of my faithful readers who may think this is about Jordan...Only partially. Jordan was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. My entire world already sucked, but I had a pinpoint of happiness...And...Now I don't. So there's nothing to distract from the pain, and the darkness. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have a boyfriend, I don't really WANT a boyfriend...I don't want anything. I don't even want to smoke the joint I rolled just now...I just want to sleep forever. I want to make everything go far, far away and never have to deal with it again. i don't want to look at all these people and feel the hurt and shame. Can't you hold onto a guy Kat? That's what my mother's asking. I knew she wasn't prettier than me, my sister. Can't tame a player with those big blue eyes? and there's my brother.  No. No. No. I can't hold onto a guy, I can't tame a player, and I'm probably NOT prettier than my sister. I can't do anything. I don't even want to anymore. Used to be I could get up and move on if a guy fucked me over like that...But I can't. What the Hell happened to me? What changed me so drastically that I can't even contemplate going on a date with another guy? That I can't want to?

 All my friends tell me I was too good for him. That I never should have been with him in the first place because he was an asshole and we had nothing in common. It's true. He was an asshole. We had absolutely nothing in common spare a love of writing. I don't even think we liked the same Top Ramen flavor. We were always fighting...Always something was falling apart and always someone was in a state of turmoil...But it worked. It made me happy. It made me feel like I was worth something to the world for once.

Feb 5, 2008 at 07:35 o\clock

Still Hurt

Mood: Heartbroken, suicidal, alone.

 I started crying today, and I couldn't stop. I was on my lunchbreak, smoking a cigarette, sitting in the spot I liked to and all of a sudden....The tears just started pouring. I couldn't stop thinking about him, or the things that are never going to happen again. I'm never going to get that white-hot feeling inside of me when I look at another guy...Never going to be able to just lean up against him and feel the world melt away. I'm never going to see those eyes again. Nothing, he's gone. And it was his choice. Because I wasn't good enough.

     What the Hell is wrong with me? Why am I so...Inadequate? What's wrong? Am I too fat? Too pale? Too ugly? Too stupid? Am I too loud? Is my humor off? Is my smile funny? WHAT IS IT? What's wrong with me that the only person I could actually see myself spending the rest of forever with...That he just ups and leaves that behind? He didn't even change his myspace status when he did it. That's fucked up. Again, I can't stop crying. I can put up a brave front for the world...But when I'm by myself I just crumple...Because it hurts so badly. And he doesn't care. He hasn't tried to call me, he hasn't read my emails...Nothing. He's done with me. He's done before he even knew I was done with him. He's probably with another girl right now...Drunk off his ass...Fucking her.  And I know I should be angry...But I am so hurt...I am so upset...That I can't. He just...He doesn't care.

    What happened to me? I remember the way I used to be...I used to date around a lot...But I wouldn't get too attachted...I wouldn't let them in to hurt me. But somehow this particular one got past all that and destroyed me. I'm left with NOTHING inside of me. It's all just hurt and pain and I want to make it stop. I want to make myself stop hurting. Mom even asked me...Has he called you begging for forgiveness?...No. He hasn't called me at all. Because he doesn't fucking care. He obviously never cared...If he can just shut it off like that.  And all this time...I was believing a pretty lie. I ignored everything...I ignored all the signs and made it so that we were a happy couple. Even if it was only inside my mind. And that's all it was too...Inside my mind.

   I know I can't talk to him. I know I can't call somebody looking for him...I know a million things...But I don't care. I'd give up the respect of my friends if I could just be with him. But I can't. Because he doesn't care. Maybe at one point...Maybe there was some time he was in love with me...But that died and I was the only one in it. How could I be so stupid? I hate myself for it. I hate myself for falling again. This HURTS. And I just want it to stop...I can't think about other guys, I can't even think about DATING....Can't think about kissing, hugging, touching...I can't touch anyone because it just reminds me that they're not him. And God...I wish they were.

Feb 4, 2008 at 20:45 o\clock

Yep.

by: CapturedMoonLight   Keywords: Hurt, hate, betrayl

Mood: Broken, suicidal, isolated.
Listening to: Love songs, of course.

 Well, it finally happened. Jordan and I are finally over...For good. I can't believe I was stupid, I can't believe I fell for his lies...No, they weren't lies. He's just not quite bright enough to be able to be in a comitted relationship. I don't think anybody is. I was crying all day...And I threw his ring in a trash can. I can't believe it...That after almost seven months...Right before Valentines day....
 Okay, so here's what happened. We're kind of a party couple....We go out, get fucked up, come home and watch a movie. Messed up version of the Saturday night date deal. We'd been doing a lot of cocaine...I know, it's bad. I don't give a fuck. I've fallen a long way from the last time I really posted. He'd been addicted before...But he said he had it under controle....That it wasn't really a big deal. So I believed him(never been addicted to yay before). And it turns out...He got readdicted. And I told him, you have to make a choice...The drug, or your life. I should have said the drug or love...Because that's what the real choice is. He chose the drug. He broke up with me. After he flaked out on a date and I waited up all night hoping to see him. Now, about an hour after we broke up...He got oral from another girl. As he's trying to get back together with me. That's just so fucked up on so many levels...That I can't trust him. I still love him with everything inside of me...And everyone knows it...Everyone knows that I thought I'd found the one...I'd thought that my hurting was finally over and that if I let someone inside of me they wouldn't destroy me. I was wrong again. Maybe it's not technically cheating...Probably isn't....But it means that I was so far out of his mind that he could ask another girl to get on her knees and suck his dick. Probably for cocaine. I don't care.
    It hurts. It hurts to know that he asked me to help him, he told me he wanted his life...He told me that he needed help and he couldn't do it by himself...Because it was hard, because that drug had so much power....And because no matter what he didn't want to lose me. The night he did it...He tried to get me to sleep with him. And something didn't feel right. I thought I was being stupid, I got so mad at myself for not being able to get over my past and make my future and present happy. No, what wasn't right was with he'd been with another girl and he must have subconciously betrayed himself or something.
  I wanted his babies. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to give him everything I had and I wanted to have my happily ever after with him. No one has ever given me the feelings that he's given me...No one's ever made me want to let people look at me, or go up to strangers and talk to them. No one has ever made me feel beautiful...Or like I was worth something. No one has ever helped me get rid of all my inhibitions...And be who I am truly supossed to be. That was my one true love, and I know it was...And I can't ever talk to him again because if I do I know I'll just want him back and it'll kill me. Just knowing that I can't have him back almost killed me...Last night I came home well intend on either drinking my sorrows away or letting them bleed out.  I've held a razor to my wrist more times that I care to admit in the past few hours...For the first time in a very long time...I feel heartbreak again. I guess that's what I get for being the heartbreaker.
  My friend took me out last night...I guess he was worried...But he came right in the eye of it...When I couldn't feel anything. It was really nice to see him again, I hadn't seen him since we had one date way back in August. He drove all the way out to my town on Superbowl Sunday when he had work the next day...To see me and make sure I was okay. I was when he got there. Well, not when he got there...Because I was sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor trying to set fire to yellow flowers Jordan gave me the night we got back together without drawing too much attention to myself....But when we went out...I was okay for the most part.
    I have to move on. I have to get Jordan out of my life...He shouldn't be anything to me...He shouldn't be able to make me smile the way he does...Or make me feel the happiness he did. He shouldn't be able to make me melt just by holding me in his arms. And he won't. Does anyone remember what I was before? Way back before this all started? I'm putting my attentions elsewhere. I've slipped on my eating disorder...I'm going to double that up...Job performance also slipping....Going to work so much harder...And I've let my firedancing slide too....I have a lot of things to work on. Anything, anything in the world that can keep me thinking about him...Anything that can stop these tears from falling...Anything that can ease this pain...I'll do.

Feb 2, 2008 at 06:04 o\clock

Is this what life is?

 So, looking back...I see all my hopes and dreams for as soon as I graduated. I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to get married, I wanted to be somebody...What do I have? A job I hate at a local store that pays peanuts...A boyfriend that I only get to see on rare occasions...And I'm living at my mom's house. Disillusioned, yes. Disheartened, even. But is this what the real world is? Is there something more that I'm not getting?