I cry through my skin.

Nov 19, 2007 at 08:51 o\clock

Where Does Depression Hurt?

 It's funny...The other day I was in the car with my friend and she was trying to describe to me where Depression really hurts. Not like that lame commercial that tells you it hurts you physically...But where it lives inside you. She said it lives in three places...The head, the heart, and the stomache. When it's in the head, it's easy enough to get rid of. You can distract yourself from it. In the heart, it consumes you. It's all you feel. Once it's in the stomache it gets dangerous because it's all your existance consists of and you'll do anything to get rid of it.

 I'm not sure where Depression is right now. I can't stop crying, it's like my head is leaking. My entire being hurts...And I just want to go to sleep to forget but I can't because my thoughts won't stop and I've tried everything. I listened to classical music, I took a sleeping pill, I smoked a cigarette...And when all of that failed I tried cutting and that didn't help either. This pain inside of me...It's like a migrain of the soul...It hurts and every tiny thing aggrivates it and all you want is to make it stop. But there's no pill, no shot, that can make this pain go away. It's just inside of me, eating me slowly, and it's going to kill me soon but I can't stop it.

 Why does sadness happen anyways? Why do we as human beings get sad? I see absolutely no physical advantages to it. I understand restlessness, I understand discontent, but sadness? Who put THAT there? Why? I know it happens because our endorphines are unbalanced and blood sugars go down, there is some nutrient lacking that causes the body to shut down...But why does that happen in the first place? What is the advantage, physically, psycologically, emotionally, of depression or of sadness in general? It doesn't drive you to do anything except sit there and mope. If you have the ambition to change things then it's not sadness persay...I view that as discontent.

 I know what I want. I want my boyfriend back. I want my exes to leave me alone. I want to have friends that I can really and truely talk to and just be with and that's enough for us. I want to have a place where I can cry and scream and break things and nobody will yell at me or try to put me back in the hospital. I want a place where I can be happy. I want to BE happy.  What I don't know...Is how to get those things. I don't know when my boyfriend is coming home...I don't know how to make friends...I don't know how to obtain a space to be sad or how to be happy enough so I won't need that place.

 When they tell you that depression doesn't just effect you, they're wrong. Depressed people go on auto pilot. They do everything, they smile on cue, and they do what's required of them...Sometimes people miss the person they were...But not often enough to matter. Depression is a Hell for one. No one else can interfier. I'm gonna go try to find some candles and attempt meditation...I need to go to sleep. I can't handle my thoughts.

Nov 16, 2007 at 07:30 o\clock

I feel so empty...

Mood: Depressed, suicidal, alone

 It finally hit me. My friend killed herself. I feel responsible. I keep thinking that maybe if I had gone out with her...If maybe I'd said I love you too then she'd still be here. I feel so fucking stupid. When Skye called me that day...She told me over and over and I didn't even fucking remember who she was. How could I not remember her? GINGER. How could I forget Ginger? She was beautiful...I'm not even just saying that...She had these eyes that were just...So deep. It hit me today, out of nowhere. I remembered her face, I remembered the tape she made me for Christmas...Then I remembered how she begged me to go out with her.

 And Jordan and I are fighting...Or we were. He got mad at me because I'm insecure and because whenever I see his ex or he talks about her I get scared. He told TIFFANY that he was mad at me, that he was thinking we weren't gonna work. He talked to my friend about our problems and didn't bother mentioning them to me? I dunno...That just seems fucked up to me.

 Skye and I are talking again. She told me she still loves me. After all this time. Surprisingly, it hurt. I didn't expect it too...I got over her so long ago...And then outta nowhere she calls me and we talk and we start talking about us...And she tells me she loves me...And...I wanted to cry. I don't know what's wrong with me...I want to cut...But I'm trying to stop...I don't have any cancer sticks to distract me, and I want to talk to my boyfriend...But he doesn't have a phone. I want to reach out and touch somebody, but nothing seems real. This pain inside of me...It's curled up in a tight ball in the bottom of my heart...That's all that's real. Even looking at my hands as I type, it's like I'm dreaming.

 I want to cry for all things lost...But I can't. There's nothing to cry for because I never had anything to begin with. The tears well up, but they won't fall over. I might as well be dead...There's no use in feeling this way.