It's funny...The other day I was in the car with my friend and she was trying to describe to me where Depression really hurts. Not like that lame commercial that tells you it hurts you physically...But where it lives inside you. She said it lives in three places...The head, the heart, and the stomache. When it's in the head, it's easy enough to get rid of. You can distract yourself from it. In the heart, it consumes you. It's all you feel. Once it's in the stomache it gets dangerous because it's all your existance consists of and you'll do anything to get rid of it.
I'm not sure where Depression is right now. I can't stop crying, it's like my head is leaking. My entire being hurts...And I just want to go to sleep to forget but I can't because my thoughts won't stop and I've tried everything. I listened to classical music, I took a sleeping pill, I smoked a cigarette...And when all of that failed I tried cutting and that didn't help either. This pain inside of me...It's like a migrain of the soul...It hurts and every tiny thing aggrivates it and all you want is to make it stop. But there's no pill, no shot, that can make this pain go away. It's just inside of me, eating me slowly, and it's going to kill me soon but I can't stop it.
Why does sadness happen anyways? Why do we as human beings get sad? I see absolutely no physical advantages to it. I understand restlessness, I understand discontent, but sadness? Who put THAT there? Why? I know it happens because our endorphines are unbalanced and blood sugars go down, there is some nutrient lacking that causes the body to shut down...But why does that happen in the first place? What is the advantage, physically, psycologically, emotionally, of depression or of sadness in general? It doesn't drive you to do anything except sit there and mope. If you have the ambition to change things then it's not sadness persay...I view that as discontent.
I know what I want. I want my boyfriend back. I want my exes to leave me alone. I want to have friends that I can really and truely talk to and just be with and that's enough for us. I want to have a place where I can cry and scream and break things and nobody will yell at me or try to put me back in the hospital. I want a place where I can be happy. I want to BE happy. What I don't know...Is how to get those things. I don't know when my boyfriend is coming home...I don't know how to make friends...I don't know how to obtain a space to be sad or how to be happy enough so I won't need that place.
When they tell you that depression doesn't just effect you, they're wrong. Depressed people go on auto pilot. They do everything, they smile on cue, and they do what's required of them...Sometimes people miss the person they were...But not often enough to matter. Depression is a Hell for one. No one else can interfier. I'm gonna go try to find some candles and attempt meditation...I need to go to sleep. I can't handle my thoughts.