Love is funny. When you have it, it's all you want. It's like a drug, it's so addictive to say I love you and hear someone say it back. Then it hurts you, and you're afraid of it...Because you don't want to end up like those horror story waste caste girls with a husband that beats you. But then it's like everyone around you is a dealer and wants to keep you addicted, because they keep telling you how wonderful love is and trying to make you feel it.
I feel like a whore. I'm dating three guys right now...Not exclusively, we all know that we're allowed to mess around. Problem is...One of those guys really loves me. He cares about me and he says he wants to be with me, and only me, and make my life as happy as possible. He wants to take all my pain away and make me smile. I don't LIKE dating around, I want one steady guy that'll love me and keep me for his and make sure that I don't mess around because he doesn't want to share me because he cares about me that much. I want one specific guy that'll take me in his arms and I'll know that I'm his and he's mine...But I can't have that. The guy that wants me to be his...He lives about 50 miles away and he's moving away after he turns 18. He keeps telling me, give me a chance and I'll take you away from here. You'll never have to look back. And I'm so tempted to take it...I really am...But what if we break up? Then what? Then I'm out on my ass with nowhere to go and no money. Or what if he turns out to be a hitter? Then I'm stuck in another abusive relationship. That's why I'm afraid to be with him...Because one thing will escalate to another and I'll end up a runaway with all my dreams thrown away because I couldn't wait until I was old enough to make them happen myself. Or worse...I'll end up married and not in love. So I'll have children I can't smile at because they look so much like their Daddy. I couldn't do that...I can't do that. I'm too young to be thinking about marriage, but everyone else around me is so of course it comes up. I'd love to get married, I would, but only to the right person. Only to the person that CAN take my pain away and make me smile. Right now, I don't think anyone can do that. Oh, of course there's a guy that makes me smile and most of the time makes me forget that I'm hurting...But it's not going to work with him. He'd never make a move. And I'd be too afraid of getting rejected. Then there's still Jordan, who confuses me. I don't feel a connection with him, I don't feel the need to be with him...But I still check my phone for texts from him...And when he wants to hang out with him. We're just friends with benefits...But I still get hurt when he talks about the girl that got away. I guess I just want him to want me so I know I'm in controle. God I'm a bad person.
I don't know. I really don't. I said I wasn't going down the road of love ever again, like I always do when I get hurt...And then I get all these guys around me telling me that they want to be with me or they like me. It's all really depressing, I feel like crying or laughing or screaming...Or all of the above at the same time. I think I'm breaking down finally. I started cutting again, I was doing really well with that too...I hadn't done it in over two weeks, and then the other night...My work knife was laying on my dresser...And I was looking at it...And then I was holding it, playing with it...And then I was running it over my skin...And yeah, then I have a bunch of cuts and I'm cleaning up blood. I don't know what made me do it even...I wasn't pissed off like I usually am...I wasn't hurt...I just wanted to hurt myself. And I couldn't stop it. I should probably go back to therapy. I won't though...I'm not taking their fucking pills that just make me crazier. I'm not telling them that I still hurt, and no I can't talk to my mom...I'd rather jump of the highway overpass than tell her how I feel. Not that jumping off the overpass is all that bad of an idea...I'd just be afraid that someone would find me and pull me back before I got up the courage. I'd rather cut my wrists, private...No one needs to know...And no one gets hurt.