I cry through my skin.

Aug 8, 2007 at 05:47 o\clock


 Jordan and I are hanging out for the first time one on one since the breakup. I dunno, he's talking getting back together...I'm talking about how I'm going to have a boyfriend soon(total lie...But if I say it enough maybe it'll be true) and he's saying that he'll show any guy that tries to make me theirs how much he cares about me and how far he's willing to go for me. I know it's all a lie...An act. And that's why it hurts. I just want to find a guy who's real with me...One that tells me that he likes me, he doesn't love me yet. Or when he does love me, he tells me. Not because he wants to manipulate me into dating him...But because he wants me to know it and feel it. I dunno...I'm werid. I'm just nervous about seeing him tomorrow. Not because I want him back, like I said earlier...If he wants me then I'm in control of what happens...I'm just nervous because I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what we're doing...Or anything like that.  I've felt like cutting all day, I haven't...Yay me right? I shouldn't have to deal with that temptation though...I shouldn't have tried it all those years ago. I should have just deal with shit then...Then maybe I wouldn't have as much shit to deal with now.  Maybe I just shouldn't be dating...Maybe I should just say fuck men and go sit in my corner with chocolate and horror novels. But, I don't want to. I want to find that one guy...That one guy that can make me smile and make me not hurt. And I don't know any better way to start looking than to date the guys that interest me.

 Oh, I had a huge mood swing the other day. Something inside of me just snapped...And I didn't care. It was like I was having a power surge...And I cut off all my hair, broke a mirror, and told Jordan what I thought of him. And then he asked me to hang out. Masochist.  Blah, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!!  I just want to sleep forever, but I'm not tired. I want to cry, but I don't have any tears...I want so much...But I don't have what I need. I'll settle for staring numbly off into space. I'll have to.

Aug 6, 2007 at 06:23 o\clock

Another bad day

  I dunno, today was supossed to be really good. I was supossed to hang out with Audrey and one of the guys I think I'm kinda dating...Supossed to go see The Simpsons movie....Wasn't supossed to eat...Wasn't supossed to talk to Jordan...It was supossed to be a good drama free day. Instead, I go to work. I impale my wrist with a frickin pen...Not on purpose either, I eat, and Jordan asks me to go steady with him. I told him no....I just can't trust him like that after what happened. Who could? I don't feel like playing the dating game anymore..Maybe I will move in with my ex so I don't have to deal with looking for the one Mr. Right admist the Mr. Wrongs. I'm tired of being not being single persay, but not having a boyfriend. I'm tired of giving my heart out only to have it handed back in pieces. Then I'm tired of putting all the little pieces back together and repeating the cycle. I just feel so done...So out of everything. Out of thought, out of joy, out of tears...I'm just here, and I'm just alone, with guys asking for my number who don't even know me. Maybe they think I'm easy. Apparantly I am. I really wanted to go out and do something, I really wanted to see people and meet someone...But now...I just want to sit here and cut and then go to sleep.

Aug 3, 2007 at 23:45 o\clock

More drama.

 Love is funny. When you have it, it's all you want. It's like a drug, it's so addictive to say I love you and hear someone say it back. Then it hurts you, and you're afraid of it...Because you don't want to end up like those horror story waste caste girls with a husband that beats you. But then it's like everyone around you is a dealer and wants to keep you addicted, because they keep telling you how wonderful love is and trying to make you feel it.

 I feel like a whore. I'm dating three guys right now...Not exclusively, we all know that we're allowed to mess around. Problem is...One of those guys really loves me. He cares about me and he says he wants to be with me, and only me, and make my life as happy as possible. He wants to take all my pain away and make me smile. I don't LIKE dating around, I want one steady guy that'll love me and keep me for his and make sure that I don't mess around because he doesn't want to share me because he cares about me that much. I want one specific guy that'll take me in his arms and I'll know that I'm his and he's mine...But I can't have that. The guy that wants me to be his...He lives about 50 miles away and he's moving away after he turns 18. He keeps telling me, give me a chance and I'll take you away from here. You'll never have to look back. And I'm so tempted to take it...I really am...But what if we break up? Then what? Then I'm out on my ass with nowhere to go and no money. Or what if he turns out to be a hitter? Then I'm stuck in another abusive relationship. That's why I'm afraid to be with him...Because one thing will escalate to another and I'll end up a runaway with all my dreams thrown away because I couldn't wait until  I was old enough to make them happen myself. Or worse...I'll end up married and not in love. So I'll have children I can't smile at because they look so much like their Daddy. I couldn't do that...I can't do that. I'm too young to be thinking about marriage, but everyone else around me is so of course it comes up. I'd love to get married, I would, but only to the right person. Only to the person that CAN take my pain away and make me smile. Right now, I don't think anyone can do that. Oh, of course there's a guy that makes me smile and most of the time makes me forget that I'm hurting...But it's not going to work with him. He'd never make a move. And I'd be too afraid of getting rejected. Then there's still Jordan, who confuses me. I don't feel a connection with him, I don't feel the need to be with him...But I still check my phone for texts from him...And when he wants to hang out with him. We're just friends with benefits...But I still get hurt when he talks about the girl that got away. I guess I just want him to want me so I know I'm in controle. God I'm a bad person.

 I don't know. I really don't. I said I wasn't going down the road of love ever again, like I always do when I get hurt...And then I get all these guys around me telling me that they want to be with me or they like me.  It's all really depressing, I feel like crying or laughing or screaming...Or all of the above at the same time. I think I'm breaking down finally. I started cutting again, I was doing really well with that too...I hadn't done it in over two weeks, and then the other night...My work knife was laying on my dresser...And I was looking at it...And then I was holding it, playing with it...And then I was running it over my skin...And yeah, then I have a bunch of cuts and I'm cleaning up blood. I don't know what made me do it even...I wasn't pissed off like I usually am...I wasn't hurt...I just wanted to hurt myself. And I couldn't stop it. I should probably go back to therapy. I won't though...I'm not taking their fucking pills that just make me crazier. I'm not telling them that I still hurt, and no I can't talk to my mom...I'd rather jump of the highway overpass than tell her how I feel. Not that jumping off the overpass is all that bad of an idea...I'd just be afraid that someone would find me and pull me back before I got up the courage. I'd rather cut my wrists, private...No one needs to know...And no one gets hurt.

Aug 2, 2007 at 04:42 o\clock

Hurting. Badly.

 You know, normally my summers are great. Boring, but great. I spend the entire time hanging out with one person and we're super close for that one Summer...Then we're back to normal and so is life. This summer...I've been working, hanging out with my bosses, and I've been a fucking whore.

 Gustavo is out of the picture...Jordan was in. He was this pretty boy smooth talker...And I fucking fell in love with him in five days. Then it was uh, Kat, I can't see you anymore. I was really hurt about that...He told me he didn't and COULDN'T love me in the way I wanted. I hate that. No one seems to be able to love me in the way I want. It was right after we had sex too. I don't feel for him anymore...Just kind of numb and frightened every time he touches me.

 So, what's wrong with me? Why can't I just stay with one guy and be happy? Why can't I find one guy that will stay with me and be happy? Because I can't talk to guys. Not about real stuff at least...I can just play with them, toy with their minds, and then back off. I can't tell them I'm hurting, that I want to kill myself...No one wants to hear that anyways. No one cares enough to hear that. They just want me to be another pretty face in the crowd. I'm NOT okay?! I'm not another little girl, I'm not another teenage waste case, I'm not your typical girl. I am FUCKED UP. I'm so messed up that no one will ever be able to love me...Because I can't love me. Because my mom can't, dad can't, Gustavo can't, Jordan can't, no one can. I'm just me. They say they love me...But it's all pity. I want to cry, but I'm all out of tears right now. I just feel so tired...I want to sleep forever and have everything forgotten.