Tomorrow..
Jordan and I are hanging out for the first time one on one since the breakup. I dunno, he's talking getting back together...I'm talking about how I'm going to have a boyfriend soon(total lie...But if I say it enough maybe it'll be true) and he's saying that he'll show any guy that tries to make me theirs how much he cares about me and how far he's willing to go for me. I know it's all a lie...An act. And that's why it hurts. I just want to find a guy who's real with me...One that tells me that he likes me, he doesn't love me yet. Or when he does love me, he tells me. Not because he wants to manipulate me into dating him...But because he wants me to know it and feel it. I dunno...I'm werid. I'm just nervous about seeing him tomorrow. Not because I want him back, like I said earlier...If he wants me then I'm in control of what happens...I'm just nervous because I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what we're doing...Or anything like that. I've felt like cutting all day, I haven't...Yay me right? I shouldn't have to deal with that temptation though...I shouldn't have tried it all those years ago. I should have just deal with shit then...Then maybe I wouldn't have as much shit to deal with now. Maybe I just shouldn't be dating...Maybe I should just say fuck men and go sit in my corner with chocolate and horror novels. But, I don't want to. I want to find that one guy...That one guy that can make me smile and make me not hurt. And I don't know any better way to start looking than to date the guys that interest me.
Oh, I had a huge mood swing the other day. Something inside of me just snapped...And I didn't care. It was like I was having a power surge...And I cut off all my hair, broke a mirror, and told Jordan what I thought of him. And then he asked me to hang out. Masochist. Blah, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!!!! I just want to sleep forever, but I'm not tired. I want to cry, but I don't have any tears...I want so much...But I don't have what I need. I'll settle for staring numbly off into space. I'll have to.