I cry through my skin.

Jul 22, 2007 at 22:20 o\clock

Fucking Fate.

 It's funny...When I finally meet a good dependable guy...What does fate do? Sends me one that makes my heart go boom boom and go weak in the knees. I broke up with Gustavo...I couldn't lie to him and tell him that I was only interested in him. I know this new guy and I probably won't get anything official but still. I really like him...Like in the kind of thunder strike oh my god type of way I don't get very often. I stayed up with him all night...We were mostly talking...I half thought I was dreaming because I was genuinly happy just laying with him is his arms. Guys don't make me happy, they make me want to kill myself. I dunno...I just wish he'd text me back because every time I see his name I just smile.

 I am an evil fucking whore.

Jul 18, 2007 at 08:35 o\clock

Updates

 Life still sucks. I'm fatter than ever. Audrey hates me. I got a new boyfriend because Davinder and I didn't work out at all(first date, disaster...I'll write about it sometime). I stopped trying to quit smoking because I don't care anymore, Gustavo is the new boyfriend...We've been dating for a week now and he's on a frickin' business trip. I bought a truck, still can't drive, in Summer school, feeling more alone than ever...

  My birthday is in a little over a month. Do you know how amazing it is that I'm here? Do you know how shocking it is that I haven't tried to kill myself again? It's only because I'm afraid they'll hurt Pyro. I mean, he's one of the only people that I know I can cry in front of and he won't think I'm ugly. He won't call me weak. He won't laugh at me and walk away. But everyone else will. And everyone else does. I should be happy, I've been out of the fucking loony bin for a long time...I'm not on any meds, my bosses tell me I'm doing well at work...And yet...None of it is enough. I've been thinking about growing up a lot lately...Me soon to be one year shy of legal...And I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can survive in NYC. Here, mom buys Pyro's food, most the times pays the bills and drives me around. How the Hell am I going to afford all of that? It's going to be over $3000 a month just to live! It's a thousand for an apartment, one bedroom apartment. What do unskilled jobs pay? I can't give up house...And I can't give up Pyro. I can only not eat for so long before I just die and end up another wasted away weblog and some empty words on someone's computer screen. I'm scared to go, but I'm more afraid to stay. Because I'm already dying...And I don't know how much more fight I have in me.