May 20, 2007 at 03:04 o\clock
May 16, 2007 at 19:46 o\clock
Audrey and I got into a fight yesterday. It sucks. She just doesn't understand why one person isn't enough for me. She's my best friend, but she doesn't understand me. I can't have just one person...If there's only one person then when that person is busy, or I'm mad at them, or have an issue I can't talk about to them, then I'm alone. And since I only have one person, I'm alone. I have Audrey. I have Pyro too but I can't go to the movies with him, can't go shopping, can't take him as a date to the dance...I'm so tired of being single! I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one...I could have Kevin. Or I could have Rebecca for a girlfriend. But I want someone I feel something for...I want someone I can truely love. I really miss Ken...He was a good guy. The only reason why I'm thinking about him is because I'm probably chilling with Thomas this weekend. Thomas was that guy I met last Summer at the fair that I really liked because he made me feel special then he turned out to be a two faced asshole. I'm still sick, which is why I'm being so bitchy. Or maybe I'll get my period on time for once! As in...Maybe have one every month? Wouldn't that be something.
I'm just so tired...I'm tired of everything. I'm still where I was a year ago...I still haven't gotten any better...Just stupider. I still cry all the time, I'd still give myself wholly to love at any cost(although I hate to admit it), I hate eating, I cut, I throw up...All of it. All of it and more. I want a cigarette, but no, I can't have one because I'm trying to quit for Audrey. It's been about a week without a cigarette, I wish I had some over eighteen friends that would just buy me a pack.
May 15, 2007 at 23:54 o\clock
I get sick...She stays home(Mom must REALLY hate me) and so she just starts yelling at me and accusing me of faking when I ask for my turn online. I threw up three fucking times...I don't throw up on purpose when I don't eat...And I didn't fucking eat. I'm too fat to eat...I could end world hunger just by not eating. So I sit home sick all day and she just starts yelling at me. I hate her. I seriously hate her.
May 12, 2007 at 06:01 o\clock
I got a job!!!!!!! I get tested monday and if I pass...The job is mine. The problem is...I smoked about a week and a half ago...Smoked pot, got baked off my ass and did it once the week before and once the week before that. I drank vinigar, drank tons of water, have taken niacin, and the day of I'm going to take Asprin and more niacin and chug a 32 oz worth of gatorade. Please God let me come up clean! I swear I won't get stoned ever again as long as I come up clean...I need this job so badly...This is my way out...I need it. I need it more than I need the momentary escape of being stoned...More than I need to be happy if even for just those few fleeting hours. God I want a cigarette...I've been half assed trying to quit...Haven't had one in two days...But I absolutely can NOT have one until after I test. Please dear God let me test clean...Please...