I cry through my skin.

May 20, 2007 at 03:04 o\clock

Rant

 I'm so tired of being single. I'm tired of not having anyone to love and having no one to love me. I mean, if I wanted I could go back with one of my exes...But I don't want that. We broke up for a reason...Like Skye and me...She smashed my heart to a million pieces and I'd never be able to trust her again or love her the same way...After someone hurts you like that...Or hurts me like that...There's no turning back. Everyone seems to be in love though...And it always seems to get thrown into my face...I dunno...I'm just really depressed...I want to cry. But no one would care if I did.

May 16, 2007 at 19:46 o\clock

Rambling

 Audrey and I got into a fight yesterday. It sucks. She just doesn't understand why one person isn't enough for me. She's my best friend, but she doesn't understand me. I can't have just one person...If there's only one person then when that person is busy, or I'm mad at them, or have an issue I can't talk about to them, then I'm alone. And since I only have one person, I'm alone. I have Audrey. I have Pyro too but I can't go to the movies with him, can't go shopping, can't take him as a date to the dance...I'm so tired of being single! I could have a boyfriend if I wanted one...I could have Kevin. Or I could have Rebecca for a girlfriend. But I want someone I feel something for...I want someone I can truely love. I really miss Ken...He was a good guy. The only reason why I'm thinking about him is because I'm probably chilling with Thomas this weekend. Thomas was that guy I met last Summer at the fair that I really liked because he made me feel special then he turned out to be a two faced asshole. I'm still sick, which is why I'm being so bitchy. Or maybe I'll get my period on time for once! As in...Maybe have one every month? Wouldn't that be something.

 I'm just so tired...I'm tired of everything. I'm still where I was a year ago...I still haven't gotten any better...Just stupider. I still cry all the time, I'd still give myself wholly to love at any cost(although I hate to admit it), I hate eating, I cut, I throw up...All of it. All of it and more. I want a cigarette, but no, I can't have one because I'm trying to quit for Audrey. It's been about a week without a cigarette, I wish I had some over eighteen friends that would just buy me a pack.

May 15, 2007 at 23:54 o\clock

Stupid sister!!!

 I get sick...She stays home(Mom must REALLY hate me) and so she just starts yelling at me and accusing me of faking when I ask for my turn online. I threw up three fucking times...I don't throw up on purpose when I don't eat...And I didn't fucking eat. I'm too fat to eat...I could end world hunger just by not eating. So I sit home sick all day and she just starts yelling at me. I hate her. I seriously hate her.

May 12, 2007 at 06:01 o\clock

Job

 I got a job!!!!!!! I get tested monday and if I pass...The job is mine. The problem is...I smoked about a week and a half ago...Smoked pot, got baked off my ass and did it once the week before and once the week before that. I drank vinigar, drank tons of water, have taken niacin, and the day of I'm going to take Asprin and more niacin and chug a 32 oz worth of gatorade. Please God let me come up clean! I swear I won't get stoned ever again as long as I come up clean...I need this job so badly...This is my way out...I need it. I need it more than I need the momentary escape of being stoned...More than I need to be happy if even for just those few fleeting hours. God I want a cigarette...I've been half assed trying to quit...Haven't had one in two days...But I absolutely can NOT have one until after I test. Please dear God let me test clean...Please...

May 6, 2007 at 08:08 o\clock

Stupidity

 How dare I. How dare I think even for the tiniest second that I was worth someone liking me? ESPECIALLY a nice guy that I actually happen to like. Kyle is in love with this girl in our play...No, not my friend Mykael like I thought before. A different one. A beautiful little blonde. I don't understand...Why don't guys like me? Why don't the nice guys like me? Why am I always what they settle for and never what they strive for? I'm never what they want...Just what is almost good enough. Story of my life right? I just...I really like him...And I've felt like crying...Because I actually thought he might like me back. I thought I might have a chance...And so I was going to tell him that I liked him...But now I obviously can't. Now  I'm obviously just a friend...I can't believe I thought he liked me! Of course he doesn't...He couldn't. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm antisocial...And I hate myself. How can anyone like that? They can't...It's impossible. I can't even like me. It just hurts that much more because I thought something was real...And it's not. It was all in my head. God I'm just so stupid! I guess romance is for some people...But not for me. Never for me.