I cry through my skin.

Apr 27, 2007 at 05:41 o\clock

Wanting to tell.

 Sometimes I feel like telling people everything, just to see what they'd say. Sometimes I feel like telling the truth...Just to feel close to someone. But on the verge of words...On the edge of saying something incriminating...I realize that they don't care. Not only that they don't care, but they wouldn't understand if they did know. Today I felt like I was just in a box, a place where no one could touch me...Even if they wanted to. And when the reached out...All they felt was the cool, smooth surface of my life. I'm proud of myself...I kept it under 200 cal today. I felt kind of bitchy, but I kept it myself. If I'm going to be beautiful...I have to work hard at it. And people are noticing. They know I'm losing weight...They see it. And it's a good thing, because more people talk to me....Unfortunetly I'm not a good conversationalist.

 You know...If I could tell the world...If I knew that they wouldn't hurt me or hate me or blame me or my 'family' for it....I would. I'd tell them that I don't eat, that I cry myself to sleep almost every night, I'd tell them that I cut myself because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive, and that I wish I could be one of them....I'd want them to know how isolated I feel, despite their best wrought efforts. Then I'd ask them how they feel, what their lives are like...What it's like to be happy. Or if not happy...At least content. What it's like to have a normal family life, where even though you're so fucked up...They try to convince you that you're okay. What would it be like to be allowed to be a fuck up? What would it be like to truely be yourself? But if you were yourself...THen would you still be a fuck up? I'd tell them that I can't eat, because I have to be beautiful at all costs...ANd once I'm beautiful that will somehow make everything better. And I won't need to cut, or cry, or wait for someone to love me because I'll be able to love myself. I wish I could love myself...Or at least like myself. People tell me how important that is...But I can't imagine how it would feel to be okay with who I am. Or for anyone to be okay with who they are. What's it like to look in the mirror and put on makeup because you want to look extra nice? Not just wanting to look human....Or to be able to eat and not worry because you know you're okay the way you are? Or even to know that on the inside...You're a good person and people like you for it. To know you have a good heart, and a strong soul, that your dreams will come true because there is no other possible outcome. Do such people even exist? I doubt it. Then again, I don't remember ever thinking anything but mean things about myself. Although, I don't know if it could be considered mean since it's real...I never know. I have nothing to compare myself to...Nothing real at least. No one that I know deep enough dimensions to know whether or not they can live with themselves being as they are...No one I KNOW that they're happy with their life. I just don't know...And the world doesn't know, so I shall continue on in ignorance so that they may as well.

Apr 25, 2007 at 05:34 o\clock

Serious suckage.

 I don't think life would be so hard if I had friends. My drama teacher made me cry today, I know I shouldn't be so sensative but I just can't help it. I learn a certain way, when people go ahead and change that right near the deadline I freak out! You can't change my knowledge, it confuses me. And then to yell at me...I'm really not doing okay without my meds. I guess I didn't realize how much they helped until they were gone. I cry all the time now, and when I'm not crying I want to punch something. But I can't make friends, I don't know how to talk to people. I don't like the things most kids my age like...I like fire, I like magic, I like spirits, and writing, and acting, and romance and animals. There isn't a clique out there that likes those things. Maybe there are certain people, but I can't find them and even if I could...I don't know if I could talk to them. Or if I'd be able to trust them...Or when I do find someone I click with...I end up liking them as more than a friend and whether I say something or not it ends up fucking us up. Or they never get close enough to me to be a friend that I can talk to, or hang out with, or any of that.

 People always say that their friends help them through the rough patches...But the closest thing I have to a friend is my dog.  I don't think that counts. I don't know if moving can fix that...I don't know if moving will make me happier anymore. I just don't know anything...Except that I want to cut and I want to smoke and I want to cry some more. I feel stupid for crying in class, some of the girls I talk with were concerned which was sweet. 

  Audrey is going to have a boyfriend before I do. Not that she shouldn't, by all logic she should. She's prettier, nicer, smarter, and more social it's just....I've always had a boyfriend before her. Even if she's all around better I still have that one tiny thing...I've always had a boyfriend to remind me that at least one person is willing to pretend they like me better than her. Even if it is a world of make believe...It's nice. It's for the best though, we all know what comes of me getting into relationships where I don't feel for the person...It ends up being all physical and becomes extremely long term and codependant. Oddly enough, when I like the person...Nothing ever seems to work out. See, the no feelings are:Skye, Gustavo, and Ken...And they all turned out poorly. Feelings were: Rebecca, David, and Kyle...And none of them worked out at all. I don't understand. I guess it's Dad's theory coming into play...I need to make a move because when I get mad and go away they don't understand why. It doesn't matter though, I shouldn't be dating. Not with all this relapsing I'm doing. Not eating, no meds, smoking, isolating, hurting myself, and lying. Everything I was a year ago, I am again. I can't drag anyone down with me, so it's much better that Audrey has a boyfriend first. Even make believe has to end sometime, right?

Apr 23, 2007 at 00:51 o\clock

Anger

 I've been getting angry a lot easier lately. When I get angry, I say the things I mean. You see, I really don't  like most people. I think a lot of them are stupid, mean, and annoying. I know that's terrible of me, but at least when I'm old and alone I'll know that I've always disliked people and it wasn't just some side effect of that weird rash;-p Cassie and I have been fighting a lot lately. I really hate her. She's just so stupid, she does the meanest thing she can think of and then blames someone else for it. And then she has the nerve to call ME immature! She fights like mom. Unfairly, and with little relevance to anything. She's just another stupid girl, I can;t wait to get out of here. Or to duie.

Apr 21, 2007 at 08:31 o\clock

Damnit

Mood: Suicidal

 I cut for the first time in a long time today. I don't know why...I've felt like crying for so long now...But I couldn't. I don't know why I cut myself...I don't even know if I feel better or worse. I felt better while I was doing it...A lot better. But now...Now I feel kind of bad. I feel like I failed and I still feel like crying and I still can't. And I still feel like cutting more now. It wasn't bad, wasn't even deep. Just some scratches where no one will look. Where no one ever looks...As a matter of fact the only time people look at me is to gauge how hideous I am. Still no tears...Still hurting...And I still fucked up again.

 I binged, and I cut, and I threw up...I've done everything I've worked so hard to make go away! And you know what? I really really don't care. I really don't care if anyone else knows. The only who that matters is Pyro...He doesn't care if I eat or if I don't, he doesn't care if I cry, he doesn't care if I hurt myself...He only cares that I love him and he loves me....And that I come home sometimes. He loves me, no matter what I do. I failed and he still loves me. And that hurts me...Because he doesn't care what I do. I don't know why that hurts. Because that's what I've always wanted. Unfortunetly he can't talk, he can't hold me, and he can't tell me with his words that he loves me. I hate myself for going backwards...But forwards has proved nothing but as dismal as the past. Why not at least be thin, decorate my body in strawberry gashes, and why not say fuck the world and then throw it all back at myself? Otherwise I'll be hating myself for being fat, I can't cry even through my skin...And no one will ever know how fucked up I am on the inside. At least this way, they won't be so shocked when I lose it.

Apr 18, 2007 at 21:26 o\clock

Day of Silence

 Today is the day of silence. It makes me laugh, well the name does anyways. People aren't silent when the abuse first starts, they aren't silent when someone is hurting them. People just don't listen. No one cares enough to hear it. And that's what depresses me most. I remember when I dated Skye and I kept telling people and kept telling people but they didn't get it until I wrote it in blood...And not even then. I just hope I never make anyone feel like that. I'd like to hope that no one else has to go through that but  know they do every day.

Apr 17, 2007 at 05:59 o\clock

Stupidity

 I know I'm stupid. I really do, so I just wish I could get around this not actively searching for romance thing. Guys are stupid, they lie and they cheat and they only want me because they think I'm an easy score. So, why do I still keep the secret hope that someone will take a genuine interest in me? What good ever comes from dating? Nothing! That's what! I'm stuck with heartache and uncertainty and thinking about someone all the time. Yes I still like Kyle, but not going to happen. We're just friends, and I value our friendship too much to fuck it up with something as sophmoric as a crush. Although...I really want to cut. I started scratching during school...I have some small scratches on my wrist now. Not that it matters...It didn't help. Just made me want to cut more. Honestly, the only thing that's keeping me from killing myself is Pyro. I'm so scared that people will be mean to him after I'm dead. I can't trust anyone with him. They all hate him because he doesn't like them. Damn dog...The only thing that seperates me from death.

Apr 16, 2007 at 04:26 o\clock

Bah

 I hate life. You know, I was right. About Kyle at least...He didn't like me. He doesn't like me. Just felt sorry for me, so he tried a half hearted attempt to show me that romance doesn't suck. But, it does. So I give up on it. Fuck love.

Apr 15, 2007 at 05:14 o\clock

Best Friend?

Mood: Betrayed, angry, hurt, worried

 I am in so much fucking shit. My fucking best friend ratted me out! I told her not to get the fucking alcohol...I told her not to steal it...I told her we shouldn't drink...I even told her I didn't feel like drinking. If her Dad says anything, I am in so much fucking shit. I'm never going to be allowed out of the house again. I want to just kill myself now...I don't want to deal with that shit. I'd rather die than deal with everything that has to deal with. i hate myself...But I'm pissed at my best friend...You're not supossed to rat out anyone...If you get caught...It's your fault. If I'd gotten caught with the weed, I wouldn't have said anything. I kept my mouth shut when I got caught smoking. I didn't say anything about her having diet pills too..I keep my mouth fucking shut, when she got caught shoplifting, I stood right by her...Didn't run, I stayed even when I would have gotten in shit too.. If you're stupid enough to get caught, you don't need to drag everyone down with you. But I am so fucked...So very fucked. Why did she do that to me? WHY?! Why can't I seem to trust anyone with anything? I always get in trouble when I trust people...So fuck trusting people. Fuck friends, fuck everything. I'm always in trouble!!!!! Why do I even keep my mouth shut for people who don't do it for me? Why do I bother doing anything? What are best friends even for? Talking to? I don't talk to her. I mean, I love her tons...But this is just really fucked.  Really fucked. Thanks a lot Best Friend.

Apr 11, 2007 at 21:58 o\clock

Stressing...

 WHY AM I SUCH AN ANNOYING TEENAGER?! I'm begining to worry about not going to college...Everyone else is doing it, everyone else is holding onto mommy and daddy just that much longer...And here I am cutting all ties and moving to New York. I don't know if I'll be able to do all this by myself...And I will be by myself...Completely and totally. Maybe Audrey will come...My guess is not. I mean, she's my best friend...But we're falling apart. We fight all the time and she always seems to be saying catty things to me...And she feels the same way. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it alone...

 And then today is my date with Kyle. He's picking me up at five...After I said I was through with romance forever. God I'm dumb. I want a cigarette....Or twelve...Can't have any though because God hates me. I'm worried about a lot of stuff right now...I feel way stressed. Really high strung...Freaking out...Worried about eating in front of Kyle...Or rather, pretending to eat. I feel like I'm going to hurl out of nerves...Does he actually like me or does he just feel sorry for me? And now I'm fighting with Audrey. Perfect.

Apr 10, 2007 at 05:30 o\clock

Give up.

Mood: Depressed, suicidal

 Does any one else ever feel like giving in? Just being what they want because you're already so dead inside? Does it ever hurt so much that you'd rather die than live through it...But you can't because you're afraid of hurting other people? I want to cut. I want to hurt myself. I want to see my fucking blood and know that I'm alive. I don't feel alive right now...All I feel is hurt. If this is living, what the Hell does death feel like? What does happiness feel like? Joy? What does waking up and actually wanting to go out and go for the day feel like? The certainty that it's going to be a good day? What's inner light like? To not sleep with the lights on, a candle lit, or even your cell phone on just so you know that you're safe? Even if you're not...It's nice to pretend. It's nice to pretend that you can be that light...That you can be pure, bright and happy. You can make someone's day better...Just by existing. Instead of hurting it. I hurt everyone's day...I bring them down...Because I'm so fat and ugly. What's it like to look forward to your birthday? To living another 50 years? To know that one day all your dreams will come true? My dreams are going to end up forgotten..On the back burner where they can just boil away til nothing until the pot is just sitting there and I'm wondering what it was for in the first place. Boiling away...I wish my body would boil away...So I could be bones...Beautiful, clean, bones. Bones feel nothing...Bones don't hurt, they don't injure, they just sit there smiling and being happy. All that boils away with me are my dreams...I'm running out of happy and hope to keep me going...What happens when I get to empty? Is it like a car and I just sit there emptly until someone helpful comes along and gives me some happy or some hope? But since I am the car...I am also the driver...I'd have to leave myself on the freeway and walk until I find happy and hope for sale. Of course people say, make your own happy and your own hope. I can't fucking do that anymore...I can't make my own happy, I'm out of it. I'm out of my fucking mind...I'd love to be just what they want me to be...I'd love to be their happy little minion...But I can't. No matter how hard I try...I can't. I'm not good enough...I'm not what they want me to be...I'm just an abandoned car on the freeway...Waiting.

Apr 8, 2007 at 20:23 o\clock

Fuck everything.

 I hate myself so much. Why is it...That no matter how much I want to be liked, how much I want to make friends and be social that I just can't? Why is it that everyone always pays attention to Audrey instead. I know she's the beautiful one...Being perfectly thin with her big blue eyes...But am I that terriable?  Why am I always ignored? Why am I so ugly? I hate myself...I really do...I want to be beautiful...But no matter how little I eat, or how much makeup put on...The mirror still shwos me a beast. So you know what? I give up on romance. Fuck this. Fuck love, fuck life, fuck men, fuck women...Fuck everyone. I don't need love...I don't need anything. Well, that's not true...I need my computer and my dog. Those I need. My computer is where I can say whatever and not get in trouble  for how I feel. And my dog...He's the only one I know cares about me forever and always...He cares when I cry or when I hurt or if I cut and throw up or if I don't even eat at all. He cares. He's the only one.  So...Fuck 'friends' fuck romance...FUck everything. I don't want it, I don't need it...I'm done with it. I'm done with everything...I'm done with life. I hope everyone who's been rooting for me to fail is happy now...I've failed. Miserablly.

Apr 2, 2007 at 03:49 o\clock

Day 17.

 Day 17 for nonestop period. Maybe I'll set a world record...But I need some evidence...Damn me and my odd habit of not keeping bloody tampons to prove how long I've had my period. Sorry...I'm in a weird mood. Ever since they took me off my meds...I've been really tired...And I really haven't felt like doing anything all weekend.  Audrey and I got into a spat too...She was talking about how I say things that hurt her feelings. She does them thing to me too though...I just don't say anything about it. Oh, and after a nice streak of not throwing up...I had to binge and throw up. So, I hate myself for being an amorphus blob with an ugly face stuck on it. I feel really down today...And everyone keeps telling me how much I've improved. Fuck you all...I haven't fucking improved! You don't know the first fucking thing about me or how I feel...You don't even care. No one gives a damn how I feel...Or whether I live or die. The only person I can say with confidence gives a damn about me is my dog...And that's the most depressing thing. He's my best friend...He's the only one who cares when I'm not around and when I cry. He's the only one who will let me hug him and who's actually happy when I'm around. HE'S the reason why I haven't killed myself...I don't want mom to take him away and she would if she found out about any of the stuff I do...

Apr 2, 2007 at 03:49 o\clock

Day 17.

 Day 17 for nonestop period. Maybe I'll set a world record...But I need some evidence...Damn me and my odd habit of not keeping bloody tampons to prove how long I've had my period. Sorry...I'm in a weird mood. Ever since they took me off my meds...I've been really tired...And I really haven't felt like doing anything all weekend.  Audrey and I got into a spat too...She was talking about how I say things that hurt her feelings. She does them thing to me too though...I just don't say anything about it. Oh, and after a nice streak of not throwing up...I had to binge and throw up. So, I hate myself for being an amorphus blob with an ugly face stuck on it. I feel really down today...And everyone keeps telling me how much I've improved. Fuck you all...I haven't fucking improved! You don't know the first fucking thing about me or how I feel...You don't even care. No one gives a damn how I feel...Or whether I live or die. The only person I can say with confidence gives a damn about me is my dog...And that's the most depressing thing. He's my best friend...He's the only one who cares when I'm not around and when I cry. He's the only one who will let me hug him and who's actually happy when I'm around. HE'S the reason why I haven't killed myself...I don't want mom to take him away and she would if she found out about any of the stuff I do...

Apr 2, 2007 at 03:49 o\clock

Day 17.

 Day 17 for nonestop period. Maybe I'll set a world record...But I need some evidence...Damn me and my odd habit of not keeping bloody tampons to prove how long I've had my period. Sorry...I'm in a weird mood. Ever since they took me off my meds...I've been really tired...And I really haven't felt like doing anything all weekend.  Audrey and I got into a spat too...She was talking about how I say things that hurt her feelings. She does them thing to me too though...I just don't say anything about it. Oh, and after a nice streak of not throwing up...I had to binge and throw up. So, I hate myself for being an amorphus blob with an ugly face stuck on it. I feel really down today...And everyone keeps telling me how much I've improved. Fuck you all...I haven't fucking improved! You don't know the first fucking thing about me or how I feel...You don't even care. No one gives a damn how I feel...Or whether I live or die. The only person I can say with confidence gives a damn about me is my dog...And that's the most depressing thing. He's my best friend...He's the only one who cares when I'm not around and when I cry. He's the only one who will let me hug him and who's actually happy when I'm around. HE'S the reason why I haven't killed myself...I don't want mom to take him away and she would if she found out about any of the stuff I do...