Sometimes I feel like telling people everything, just to see what they'd say. Sometimes I feel like telling the truth...Just to feel close to someone. But on the verge of words...On the edge of saying something incriminating...I realize that they don't care. Not only that they don't care, but they wouldn't understand if they did know. Today I felt like I was just in a box, a place where no one could touch me...Even if they wanted to. And when the reached out...All they felt was the cool, smooth surface of my life. I'm proud of myself...I kept it under 200 cal today. I felt kind of bitchy, but I kept it myself. If I'm going to be beautiful...I have to work hard at it. And people are noticing. They know I'm losing weight...They see it. And it's a good thing, because more people talk to me....Unfortunetly I'm not a good conversationalist.
You know...If I could tell the world...If I knew that they wouldn't hurt me or hate me or blame me or my 'family' for it....I would. I'd tell them that I don't eat, that I cry myself to sleep almost every night, I'd tell them that I cut myself because it's the only thing that makes me feel alive, and that I wish I could be one of them....I'd want them to know how isolated I feel, despite their best wrought efforts. Then I'd ask them how they feel, what their lives are like...What it's like to be happy. Or if not happy...At least content. What it's like to have a normal family life, where even though you're so fucked up...They try to convince you that you're okay. What would it be like to be allowed to be a fuck up? What would it be like to truely be yourself? But if you were yourself...THen would you still be a fuck up? I'd tell them that I can't eat, because I have to be beautiful at all costs...ANd once I'm beautiful that will somehow make everything better. And I won't need to cut, or cry, or wait for someone to love me because I'll be able to love myself. I wish I could love myself...Or at least like myself. People tell me how important that is...But I can't imagine how it would feel to be okay with who I am. Or for anyone to be okay with who they are. What's it like to look in the mirror and put on makeup because you want to look extra nice? Not just wanting to look human....Or to be able to eat and not worry because you know you're okay the way you are? Or even to know that on the inside...You're a good person and people like you for it. To know you have a good heart, and a strong soul, that your dreams will come true because there is no other possible outcome. Do such people even exist? I doubt it. Then again, I don't remember ever thinking anything but mean things about myself. Although, I don't know if it could be considered mean since it's real...I never know. I have nothing to compare myself to...Nothing real at least. No one that I know deep enough dimensions to know whether or not they can live with themselves being as they are...No one I KNOW that they're happy with their life. I just don't know...And the world doesn't know, so I shall continue on in ignorance so that they may as well.