I cry through my skin.

 Okay, I'm feeling a little clearer today. Maybe it's the anticipation of partying with my bestie tonight...But whatever. Drama with Kevin resolved. FRIENDS with benifits...That's means we're just friends. No real attachtment needs to be involved...No commitment...Nothing. I don't know why but that's comforting. I guess I shouldn't even try to date right now anyways...I mean, look how Gustavo ended. Plus I still like Kyle...But I know that's going nowhere. That's okay though...None of the guys that I like first ever go anywhere. None of this matters though...Because in one year I'm going to be in New York City...Where I'll be too busy to care if I have a lovelife or not. And I won't know anyone so I'll have that excuse as well. I dunno..Maybe I'm just trying to retionalize everything. Does it really matter either way?

 Okay...I think I told you about how I had to break up with Gustavo the day before yesterday. He fucked over my friend...So I had to dump him. And now I have a new drama...Kevin is my drama. He asked to be my boyfriend yesterday...I said no for multiple reasons...But we agreed to be friends with benefits. And I actually like him. That's a problem simply because he lives in Oakland and was at one point Rebecca's lover...For those of you who don't remember...Rebecca is my ex that still loves me...And if I did date him I don't know what it might do to her. This is why I shouldn't have feelings...It complicates things.

 Today absolutely sucked. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything. Why is it I always suck? I want to cut my wrists. I really do. I want to fucking show the world how fucking okay I am. I broke up with Gustavo today. It wasn't working, there wasn't that click...Just wasn't. And then rehearsal sucked...The teacher just kept yelling and yelling and no matter what I did it was wrong. I can't do anything right. And I got a fucking D on my JRP! I hate myself for that. I can't forgive myself for being stupid. What is it about me that I just can't seem to get things right? I mean honestly...I fail at everything. I wanted to talk to Audrey...But now...I really don't. I just want to lay down and die. I don't think anyone can understand either.

 Again...I'm faced with the choosing dilemia. I really like this one boy...His name is Kyle...We seem to click really well...But then I'm dating Gustavo...And nothing is going on with him whatsoever. I don't even know if he likes me...At least not like that. I really want to date Kyle...I really like him...But I don't even know if he likes me. I don't know if he would want to date me even if he did. I know I should stay with Gustavo, that's what my head tells me. My heart tells me to try Kyle...Try a boy that will give you more than a typical relationship. He's such a sweet guy...Kyle is. But Gustavo is too. Gustavo is a nice, patient guy. He's very steady, very focused, and very...Detachted. He seems to go through the motions of being in a relationship without actually being in a relationship. I don't know...I just wish I knew what to do. If I break up with Gustavo...Would anything change? He'd hate me. I know that much for sure. And I don't know if Kyle likes me. JESUS BLOODY CHRIST! I want to cry...Kyle gets me...But he said he doesn't like highschool girls...I'm a highschool girl...But then again he seemed to be flirting. I don't know, I wish I did know. I wish I knew what to do. I know they tell me...Follow my heart...But sometimes my heart just ends up getting trashed. And I don't even know Kyle that well..He probably likes our friend Mykael better. She's the one who he usually talks to. I don't know...I really wish I did. Please, God or whatever, PLEASE tell me...Show me what to do.

 I swear to God the world wants me to kill myself. I fucking hate myself. I'm in a stupid fight with Audrey. Sometimes, I think I'd be better off if I just didn't talk. If I just smiled and nodded and pretended to listen...That's all anyone wants out of me. They don't care that I care about them and I just want to help...They just want a fucking punching bag! That's all. THey want to yell and feel bad about themselves when they're such amazing people and should I dare tell them so I'm a bitch because I hate myself and I tell them not to hate themselves. I want to just cut my fucking wrists!!!!! EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME! Even my best friend hates me because I'm such a bad person. You know what? Fuck everything. I give up, I won't talk anymore. FUCK YOU.

 I am a fat pig! I HATE MYSELF! I'm ugly, no wonder no one likes me...No wonder all my real loves have broken up with me. Why do I have to be fat? Why is it even if I only have 300 or 400 calories I feel gluttenous and like I need to shoot myself? I hate myself so much right now...I really do...I need to cut or smoke or jump off a bridge or something....

 Ugh...Boys! They're just....So impossiable to understand. One minute they'll be flirting the next they seem totally zoned out. Normally, this would bother me to the point of mild obsession...However, since this boy happens to be my boyfriend...It boggles my brain and makes me want to scream. I dunno, this rant isn't completely random...But it's probably fueled by the fact that I'm angry at myself. I had eaten only 100 calories today...And then I went ahead and stuffed my face with at least 180 more. I feel disgusting...And fat. I know nobody cares what my body looks like...But I do. I really care. I want to be one of the beautiful girls...And I can't be beautiful AND fat. It's one or the other...Just like I can't be half sane and in a relationship. I guess the sensible choice would be to stay single and be fat...But those don't make me happy. I'll be happy when I'm thin, I just know I will.

 My first day on my journey back to sick hasn't gone so badly. I've only eaten about 800 calories today...Which is still disgusting and despicable...But still..It's a step in the right direction. I came home sick with a horriable headache...It wasn't even so much that my head even hurt as I didn't want to deal with school...With all those people and all their thoughts. Gustavo called me a couple of hours ago...But I didn't get the call...I wonder what he wanted? He's acting more like a boyfriend nowadays...Being huggy and all that. Which is nice...Except for the fact that it seems kind of forced. I've really decided to do it though...The going back to an eating disorder. I don't know whether to be proud or disgusted. I know being sick isn't anything to be proud of...But being thin and beautiful is. That's the only way I can get there...Through the extremes. I know I'm probably making a mistake and I won't think I'm beautiful...But other people might. I dunno...I'm just really tired of being me. I'm tired of being the fat ugly girl. The pity case. I won't be it anymore...I won't tolerate people staring at me in sympathy anymore. I not going to be fat anymore. I just won't.

 You know...I figured this would happen. I figured I'd freak out about how hideously huge I am again. I have to go back to what I was...I have to go back to a slave to the scale...To lying, to faking, to making excuses. I can't handle being this...monster anymore. I hate myself I have to lose weight NOW or I have to kill myself!! I am a fucking fat failure!!! I really hate myself. I hate myself for being everything I am. I am such a fucking failure...I hate myself. I need to die...I need to kill myself...I need to lose weight..NOW.

 Jesus, I'm almost a Senior. I've almost made it...I'm almost out. But I'm so scared to be out on my own now that the time is so close. I'm kind of afraid to be alone...I don't want to fail. I don't want to have to come back, I don't want ot fail...But that's one of those things I'm afraid of.

 I've been going and going and my brain is about to go BAM!!!! I'm done. I'm just done. I don't want to to go anymore. I don't want to do anymore. My head hurts, my legs hurt, my chest hurts...I'm going to just fall apart at the seams. I'm done, I'm stopping, I'm shutting down...Unfortunetly I have to start going again tomorrow and keep going straight up until bedtime because I have rehearsal and get to see Audrey probably. I'm worn out...And I just want to sleep for a week straight.

 Well, at least I know Gustavo couldn't possiably be my Mr. Right. Nono, we're still together...But we had a date today...And it was like what every other girls describe their dates as. We hardley talked, and when we did it was about stupid shit, and we spent marjority of little conversation time laughing. I mean, I won't say it was a bad time...Just not a particularly memorable one. And he's so...Guyish. I dunno, I'm just used to feminine guys that I have no clue whether they like me or not but love to cuddle. Gustavo...I know he likes me, he doesn't like to cuddle and we've been dating almost a week and still haven't kissed. So far this relationship is not going according to my master plan. But, I guess there's a reason why all my past relationships have failed...Maybe I'm supossed to learn to deal with a different type of relationship...A slow, normal one. I don't usually do normal relationships...But, it's worth a shot. I guess I can be a normal girlfriend for once...

 I hate my stupid fucking little sister. She;s a stupid bitch. She's stupid, fat, ugly, nussance! She should seriously kill herself. The world would be so much better if she'd just go die. I mean seriously...There would be one less stupid fat person in the world. I really and truely hate her. She has no compassion in her, she only does something for someone else if she thinks they'll give her something and if they don't she goes ahead and yells and throws a fit and hurls every insult at them that she can. She should just go shoot herself in the head. I fucking hate her1