I cry through my skin.

Feb 28, 2007 at 06:00 o\clock

Huh, something else makes sense

 And it's the way my therapy is going...Or at least the way my hospital stay went almost a year ago. I wasn't meant to get better, they didn't give a damn if I got better or not...That wasn't their job...Their job was to make sure I wouldn't cut out my throat. They didn't care if I was happy, as long as I didn't die. And my psychiatrist isn't there to talk to...He's there to see if the pills are working. He's there to push more medication down my throat. My psychologist is there to talk to...But only about why I won't talk to normal people who I don't pay to spend time with. They don't care if I get better, they really don't. They'll talk to me, begrudgingly, but I have to make myself get better....But I don't think I can do it by myself. If I did, I wouldn't be here nearly a year later! I need help, and I can't talk to people...People don't understand...They can't fathom what it's like to live without hope for a better tomorrow or they think that I should just go kill myself since I'm so unhappy. I've fucking tried! Time and time again...And time and time agian...I failed. Story of my life, huh?

Feb 28, 2007 at 06:00 o\clock

Huh, something else makes sense

 And it's the way my therapy is going...Or at least the way my hospital stay went almost a year ago. I wasn't meant to get better, they didn't give a damn if I got better or not...That wasn't their job...Their job was to make sure I wouldn't cut out my throat. They didn't care if I was happy, as long as I didn't die. And my psychiatrist isn't there to talk to...He's there to see if the pills are working. He's there to push more medication down my throat. My psychologist is there to talk to...But only about why I won't talk to normal people who I don't pay to spend time with. They don't care if I get better, they really don't. They'll talk to me, begrudgingly, but I have to make myself get better....But I don't think I can do it by myself. If I did, I wouldn't be here nearly a year later! I need help, and I can't talk to people...People don't understand...They can't fathom what it's like to live without hope for a better tomorrow or they think that I should just go kill myself since I'm so unhappy. I've fucking tried! Time and time again...And time and time agian...I failed. Story of my life, huh?

Feb 27, 2007 at 00:19 o\clock

Apprehensive revealed.

 I finally understand my apprehension about Gustavo...It came to me last night in an insomniac fit. It's because he's a good guy. I don't date good guys, I don't date guys it will work out with...Dad said that to me once but it just pissed me off then. But, I pick guys that are so perfect on the surface(not appearances) but they just don't like me beneath that thin layer of love. It's new, I'm scared to date a good guy. It's so different than what I'm used to...And that's why I'm so worried. I'm more scared to hurt a good guy than I am a guy who doesn't really give a damn about me.

Feb 26, 2007 at 04:30 o\clock

Blah

 Gustavo asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes. I have a boyfriend now. I was reallyu happy about that but now I'm really sad...Not because of him or anything he's done, nothing like that...Just really sad. Really depressed. I want to cut really badly...But my fucking sharp got fucking lost. I want to cut or beat my head into a pulp or whatever...I'd just rather hurt my outside than hurt inside my mind.

Feb 23, 2007 at 01:23 o\clock

???

 I got invited to prom! EE!:)

Feb 21, 2007 at 22:41 o\clock

Guys want Sex. That's it.

 I fucking hate men! Why do they think that they can just ask me over and I'll sleep with them?! I'M NOT A FUCKING WHORE! Why does everything think I'll go get stoned and then spread my legs? I don't even really like getting stoned. I wouldn't get stoned with a complete stranger alone. Do I have nothing to offer besides my body? Does my personality suck and yet guys think I'm pretty? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of guys not wanting me for anything but how I look. I hate myself so much...So very much. I want to kill myself. I'm a stupid whore and no one wants me for anything but my grotesque body. Maybe I'm so ugly that they think I'll welcome any change to get laid. That must be it. Because it sure as Hell won't be because I'm so pretty that they want me. All they want from me is sex...But I don't want that from them. I want something more...I want love. I want too much.

Feb 21, 2007 at 09:40 o\clock

Spider

 You can spend your entire future thinking over your past. You can wallow in the wrongs down to you, that you have down to yourself...But that doesn't change it...Does it? You were still cheated on, hit, lied to, forgotten, foresaken, hurt, broken, and left to die. You were still that miserable person that you never thought you could be because everyone always told you how strong you were. But the past still is real...You can't escape it. You can't change it. Everywhere you look there's a small reminder...Everywhere you look there's temptation to revert back to wronging yourself. Well, this is the example of what happens when you give into that temptation. Over and over agian until it is a necessisity. Until your life is hurting yourself in every way possiable. Denying yourself the pain only hurts so much the worse after a certain point. You're trapped in a web of hurt and tears of your own creation. If only there were a merciful spider to come and wrap you in it's silk...Make you feel loved and safe before it takes your life away and you are dead. I can keep thrashing in my web, keep trying to escape, by the spider is long gone. It abandoned it's fruitless web long ago...Believed me to be dead when I was entangled in it's decieving silk. So I am stuck here. I am stuck thrashing until I grow tired, starving because I can't go and get any nourishment, and despising myself for not seeing the signs beforehand. There is no spider to help me. The web needs to be cut, or I will kill myself within it. The past has not been kind...The present isn't kind...The future holds no promise. I'm just an ugly fly trapped as everyone else goes about their business...Not sparing a glance. Other insects, as insignificant and foolish as myself, see me trapped and see me as a warning to stay away. Stay away or you'll be trapped too. But no one has ever gotten trapped in the web with me, they've just hovered near it curiously. I'm only in the web that the spider of the past has spun to catch me in...And I was dumb enough to fly into it. There seems to be no consolation right now...Not even tears are my companion tonight. I'm truely alone...And people can see me...But they can't touch me becuse they can't give their life. Although, I will never resent anyone for that. I will never hate anyone for not wanting to be trapped in this web just to be with me...I can't say that I would fly myself into another person's web should I ever get free of my own. Then again..Maybe I would. Maybe I'd thrash and rage with them...Just to let them know that they aren't trapped alone. Who knows...I can't see myself being set free any time soon. I'm in a little web...And the only cuts are on my own flesh. The only spider to suck my life away is myself...Bleed myself a little more each day until I know there is nothing left of my strength and I'm an empty shell with a beating heart. A heart that never should have started beating in the first place...I was a mistake to begin with. I was never wanted, I was never welcome, I'm an intrusion on my own life. I'm what's wrong with my life...That's it. Not my family, not my friends, no one. Just me and my mistaken heart. Why did I have to be born? Everyone would have been so much happier if my web had never been woven...Because maybe somewhere along the way they noticed I was gone...And when they found what had become of me...They were too disturbed by what they had found to reach out and try to make the eternaty of struggle any easier. This fate is mine to bare alone...But I just don't think I can do it anymore. I think my strength is gone...And the heart is still beating...But it's only out of habit. there's no more hope, there's no light, there's nothing...Just a web with a half dead bug caught in it.

Feb 20, 2007 at 07:54 o\clock

Some good things.

 Well, something good finally happened. I passed my driver's ed course with an A. Actually a couple of good things happened...The A, I'm a D cup*woot*, I got a pack of cigs and a sharp thing, and I got a message from an old friend of mine who used to have a really hard time of it...She's doing so much better now and she's happier. I'm so glad for her...She deserves it...She's spent way too much time hurting.  You know...Honestly...I don't understand why I'm so sad. I wish I did...Then I could fix it. Because I do want to get better...I  really do...I just don't know how...

Feb 17, 2007 at 09:13 o\clock

Ow.

 Maybe I can move on now, maybe I can finally let go of David and realize he never wanted me and he never will. He has a girlfriend now, did you know that? And you know what else I found out today? Hurt has a very specific taste...It's a sharp, saltly taste in the back of your throat that almost tastes like blood and makes your stomache turn a little. This is all Karma though. For what I did to Gustavo. I led him on like a bitch and then hurt him by trying to go out with David. I am a bitch. I need to die. I hate everything right now and feel like crying. I know I have no right to feel hurt...He hasn't talked to me in over a month. But, still, it feels like someone let the air out of my heart. I wasn't in love with him, I know I wasn't, I couldn't be...But I really liked him a lot. At least now I know, I mean erally and truely know, that I never had a chance in Hell with him. I really just want to give up on trying to date...I know it's a bad idea. I know people just don't like me enough to stick with me for very long...What's wrong with me? Why am I so unlikeable? Wait...Why am I even asking that? I KNOW why. Depressed girls don't get real love. Depressed girls get initial like...Then once the person really gets to know them...They get scared and stop liking them but won't tell Ms. Depressed because he's afraid she'll hurt herself. I FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING SELF!!! I should really just kill myself. I'd do it if there were no way in Hell I could be saved. I don't have a gun, I can't drink bleach because I'll just throw it up or someone will catch me at it...We already know how well cutting myself open works and I'm not sure if jumping from the highway bridge would do it. Maybe it would. And maybe I will. Not like anyone would care...I'm Ms. Depressed. I hate my sadness. I hate feeling so empty and hopeless all the time and crying all the time or wanting to cry and not being able to. I know, why don't I just get FUCKED UP tattooed to my forhead...That way, anyone who doesn't want to deal with excess drama can stay the heck away from me. I'm ready to cut...I don't have anything sharp. God fucking damnit. It bites not being 18...I want a fucking cigarette and something sharp to cut myself with! JESUS! Self destruction is obviously just too much to ask for.

Feb 16, 2007 at 01:53 o\clock

Bad Mom?

 I fucking tell her not to fucking hit me....And she gets mad at ME? Where is the logic in that! She yells at me because I told her not to hit me. Some mom she is. I can't wait until I can get the fuck out of here...I'm never looking back and she can fuck herself if she thinks anything else. I hate her. I honestly hate her. She has nothing but hate in her and all the 'sacrafices' are made purely for appearance. She doesn't give a damn about anything but what everyone else thinks because she doesn't want anyone to be able to say it's her fault that we're fucked up. I'm ready to slit my fucking throat just to get away from her...I hate her.

Feb 13, 2007 at 22:49 o\clock

Shrink.Rawr.

 She hates herself...You know what the solution is? Up the meds that make her feel like shit, spazz out and do stupid things, and make her really dizzy and sick. Now, come back in two weeks and if that hasn't helped we'll up them again. But first, let's ignore that they don't make self esteeme pills...And that it's the shrink's job to try to work through the fucking issues instead of masking them with a medicated haze! I swear...I hate stupid shrinks. He didn't even bother going through my fucking records to remember what's wrong with me...Or what they think is wrong with me at the very least. Yes I hate my life, yes I stay locked in my room as much as possiable, yes I eat as little as possiable, yes I throw up when I can, and no I still don't think the meds are helping. These things have been pretty consistant over the past year. And it's nearly been a year...A year next month. I really can't believe it's been a year already...A year since I fucked up big time and everyone knew about it...And they've all forgotten it. They don't understand that even I don't slit my throat it doesn't mean I don't want to. No one ever gets it until it's written in blood...And the way things are going...That's going to be pretty soon.

Feb 8, 2007 at 04:33 o\clock

Cut the Strings

 I'm still feeling super angry all the time. I don't feel much like being reflective or any of that special stuff. I feel more like screaming at the top of my lungs and cutting my wrists. I won't though...That would be bad...And I might have a date...I met this guy, his name is Jeff, he's 24 but he seems pretty cool. He asked me out yesterday, but I didn't get his invite until today, he's a sailor, so there are absolutely no strings attatched and I won't have to bother with my defences and walls because there won't be any time for him to reject anything...Definantly a plus. Dad says I should focus on 'Kat stuff' for a while...Honestly? I don't want to. Kat stuff is depression, cutting, hating oneself, writing, and quitting smoking. Kat stuff brings Kat down. Who knows? Maybe Jeff will turn out to be a good thing...Maybe a total shit thing...Either way, it can't effect me that much. He can't break my heart, and I won't get into his, it's really perfect. Although, I'm probably just trying to convince myself of that...I don't really FEEL worried but maybe I secretly am.

Feb 2, 2007 at 04:24 o\clock

Thick skull

 Well, I'm finally over David. I finally got it through my thick head that no matter how much I like him and no matter how much I try he's not going to make a move. I guess it's a good thing...I feel sad and empty and I really don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone and wallow...but I know that's a bad idea. But I can't pick up the phone and call anymore...Well, it's more along the lines of I don't want to. I'm really sad and I really hate my life right now.

Feb 1, 2007 at 00:38 o\clock

>:-{

 Just go kill me. I'm so tired of fighting with everyone...With my mom, my sister, my stupid best friend...But they just won't get out my face.