I cry through my skin.

Jan 30, 2007 at 03:37 o\clock

Give up

 I give up. I'm going to take my stupid pills again. Maybe they'll make me oblivious, maybe they'll dull my mind until I no longer feel the complusion to think, maybe...Just maybe...Maybe they'll help. I don't know, I really don't, but I can't take this anymore. I can't take life anymore. I can't take being fine one minute, wanting to punch someone's front teeth out the next and then be a quivering blob of sobs after that. I just can't handle all this! I want to curl up into a little ball and DIE. I don't want life, I don't want any of this...I just want the world to see the little white flag that I'm waving and leave me to the tattered ruins of what used to be me.

Jan 25, 2007 at 02:54 o\clock

Hate

 Do you ever feel like punching something as hard as you can just over and over again? That's how I feel right now...And a lot lately actually. I don't know why I'm so angry. I just get absolutely livid over the littlest things. I dunno...I guess this is one thing that actually is normal for a teenager. Or maybe I get to be a stupid extreme case again. I hate myself so much...For everything. I hate myself for being angry, for wanting to break things...I hate myself for caring so much, for not caring enough. I hate myself for letting myself get hurt, for crying over the stupidest things. I just fucking hate myself. I got into a fight with Audrey today...Ironically over Ken. She's pissed because I 'Had the audacity to think that she was flirting with my boyfriend in front of me and that she thinks she's better than me.' No, I don't think that she thinks she's better than me...I know that she knows she's better than me. I don't care if she admitts it or not...She knows, and I guess that's all that matters. I dunno, I'm not feeling like much of a social creature lately. I'm feeling more like a hermit crab that got salted, lived, and now wants to destroy the salter. I guess this is because my birth controle is wearing off...Maybe the stress of school as well, the fact that I haven't felt well, I have nothing to do with my life because I quit my job, Audrey doesn't seem to want to go to New York(she 'needs driving more'), my love life is in shit pieces and I have nobody who I want to tell all this to. But, about New York...Yeah...Audrey says that if it comes down to a choice between getting her permit and going on a trip to New York this Summer she's going to choose her permit. She needs it more, she says. That's great for her, but if she wasn't going to stick with this fucking trip she shouldn't have said she wanted to way back when. I just want to fucking kill something. I fucking hate all of this!!! I hate my useless fucking life. I hate myself...I hate my mom...I hate my sister...I hate school...I hate everything!

Jan 19, 2007 at 00:58 o\clock

Right.

 Somtimes something feels so right...You're so sure that it will happen if you just wait because you want it so much and you know that no God would let something that feels so right to you and something that you're sure that you should spend the rest of your life doing not happen. I guess God just doesn't listen...Or doesn't agree that this feels right to you. Isn't that funny? Other people say what you think/feel is wrong. Or other beings if we're talking about God. I dunno..I just thought it was supossed to happen...It all seemed so natural and so real that it didn't seem like it couldn't. But I guess I was wrong...Or God thinks I was wrong...Whatever. It doesn't matter. What feels right isn't right...Following your heart and soul is a load of bull.

Jan 17, 2007 at 05:28 o\clock

Irritated.

 I'm so frusterated...So angry I'm about ready to cry just out of pure irritation. I want stupid Suki to stop fucking barking and stay in or stay out of my fucking room. I want mom to just go away and leave me alone for more than five minutes, I want Pyro to stop barking and running around like an idiot. I want fucking Suki to go the fuck away and I am not letting her in again. I want more time, but less. I want to be able to do more but not feel rushed, I want my stupid rabbit's water bottle to stop falling out of the fucking cage, I want stupid people to stop trying to decide my life without me. I just want to be alone!! Everything is just pissing me off more and more...I can't stand my room...I can't stand my bed...My clothes, my lamp...I can't even stand myself. I just want to be in a void of nothing, but I have to sit here and be angry for no fucking reason with all these stupid people who won't leave me alone. I don't care if I'm being a self centered bitch...EVERYONE JUST STOP FUCKING BUGGING ME!!!

Jan 15, 2007 at 06:36 o\clock

Unanswered Unasked Questions

 How do you know something is wrong but you don't know what? How do you fix what's broken without knowing how or why it's broken? Can you solve a problem, and get the correct answer without knowing the question? What's wrong with me? Why am I always so depressed? Why can't I seem to shake this awful muck that settles around me? Why am I always trying to be better, trying to become perfect? Why aren't I good enough the way I am? Why do I always get so angry? Why am I so scared of people? Why, why, why? If I could have any question in the world answered...Any one at all...I want to know what's wrong with me. Not just surface, but at the very core of my being what causes me to be broken? I don't know how to solve a problem without knowing the question. The question is how do we fix Kat's ______? I don't have any vocab words...I don't have an answer book, I don't have a teacher that knows how to teach me. I'm on my own with this one...And unfortunetly, I don't even have a rough lesson plan or raw materials to create a lesson plan with. All I have is my suicidality, my self inflicted isolation, my self hatered, and the matera in my head 'This is NOT normal'. I don't want to be me...I want to be dead. I don't want to be anyone else though because I'm just such a fuckup that I'd bring my broken parts with me to whatever new life I'm given. No matter how hard I try...I just don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know why I can't be happy...It's not for lack of trying...Although people argue otherwise. People say I want to be miserable, and so I am. I DON'T WANT TO BE MISERABLE! I want to know what it's like to be able to smile for real, I want to know what it's like to not have to debate about whether today is the day for dying, I want to know what it's like to talk to someone and actually know that they're there and that they're real and in the same world as you. I want to know what it's like to be happy. Audrey says that if I wanted it that badly, then I'd have it. That's just not true, I'm not trying to be this way. I'm not trying to be some attention whore woe is me teenage waste case. I don't try and think hateful things about myself, I don't try to keep myself away from everyone, I don't try to want to die. I don't...And nobody understands that. Everyone thinks this is all my fault...And I know it is because somewhere along the line I must have broken myself and been so neglegent as to not bother to patch it up so the break got worse and worse until it shattered into a thousand pieces. How do you put the pieces together if you don't know what it looked like to begin with? With puzzles you know what it's supossed to be...And there's clues as to where certain pieces go...But with this mess...I'm left clueless and any piece could fit with any other piece but in the end the product is still wrong.

Jan 14, 2007 at 09:10 o\clock

Yup You Were Right

 Well, those of you that said David just wanted friendship? You were right. Not because he doesn't like me, or so he says at least, but because of a whole lot of random bullshit. Honestly, I don't know why I'm so caught up on him...Or why I like him so much. I don't know why I wanted to be with him so badly. Audrey says it's because I need to validate myself...I suposse that's true(okay, fine, it's totally true) but if I wanted validation then I could date someone else...And I'd get it a lot quicker. There's no hope for him...I really hate myself for liking him. Hate myself even more for letting this hurt me. I knew there was no hope from the begining, so why did I pursue? Why didn't I just walk away? I'm so stupid...I honestly just don't care about life right now. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow and for all of you that think I'm being melodramatic over a stupid crush...You're wrong. I'm being melodramtic over stupid teenage depression. Maybe this is all totally normal...Maybe I'm supossed to think about suicide and cutting each day. Maybe I'm supossed to smoke and throw up and hate myself. Maybe I'm just like every other girl in the world. I don't know...I don't care. I just want to go away...Far far away. Anywhere at all...I don't want to be Kat in California sitting at her computer in her PJs trying to make herself not like a stupid guy and trying to tell herself that life is going to get better someday. Honestly...I don't see how it can. No one thinks I can do it. No one thinks I can go to New York and start over there and become a sucessful novelist. No one thinks I can do without college. No one thinks I can ever be anything I want to be. What if they're right? What if I really am just some worthless, codependant with no talent whatsoever destined to live forever in a city she hates? I don't want to accept that...But I have to. If enough people believe it...It becomes true. So I must be. I must be a failure in the making. I want to cut...I want to cry...I want to be the little miss perfect that I've chastined in my story. I want to be anyone but me. I don't want to be here...I don't want to be alive...And I don't want to be such a failure anymore.

Jan 12, 2007 at 07:27 o\clock

So many questions...

 Everyone tells me I'm so beautiful...So why can't I get a boyfriend? Why can't I find someone to love me? Why can't I meet people's eyes, talk to someone first, why can't I walk proudly? If I'm so beautiful...Why can't I see it? Why can't I really be it, I mean...To be beautiful you must accept it and live your life like you are...So why can't I? And why can't I ever seem to pick a boyfriend that will last? Why can't I pick someone who's right for me? Why can't I find someone who can truely love me...All of me and not just the parts that they originally fell for. And what's it liked to be loved like that anyways? What's it like to love like that? Why can't I just find what I'm looking for...Or at least stop looking? Why don't wants just shrivel up and disappear? Why do they get bigger and more painful and kill you more and more by the minute? And why does all of this circle through my mind? Why is it always there...That little voice that keeps begging...Please love me. But no one can love it...Because I'm just such a fuckup. They tell me I'm beautiful...But I can't be. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm stupid, I stutter, I have random phobias...I'm a bad person...And no one can love me. I don't even want to try anymore...I don't know what God put me here as a sick and twisted joke...But I really don't get it. I don't want to fight, I don't want to cry, I just don't want any of this anymore...I'm so tired of hurting more which each breath...And each tear being less cleansing than the last.  Behold, the girl that no one can love.

Jan 10, 2007 at 00:24 o\clock

Back Off

 What the fuck! My sister is being such a brat...I asked to use 'the' laptop(It's not mine...She broke mine so now I don't get one because she's a fucking brat who can't be trusted with anything and mom doesn't care that my dad gave me the laptop and not Cassie but now it's part hers anyways because this one is a replacement for the old one and therefore not the one my dad gave me) and she started yelling at me...Then mom yelled at both of us and I just want to fucking kill myself. Everyone seriously needs to back of...You invade my privacy, you make sure I know what a fuck up I am for everything, you break my stuff, and then you refuse to replace it. Great. It's not like I have a whole lot of stuff to break! Why not break my TV? Or my DVD player? My ashtray? My bead box? Why did it have to be the most expensive thing I own and one of the few things that helps keep me sane? Jesus. I just really hate everyone and everything right now. I want to cut...I want to kill myself...I want to make everyone go the fuck away forever. But I can't. Because if I do, I'll fail at it...Just like I fail at everything else and then they'll break something else I like...Probably my dog.

Jan 9, 2007 at 04:19 o\clock

Shit day

 I'm really down today. I just had a shit day. I don't even get to see Audrey until Friday. I don't know what's up with me lately...I mean, I'm such a bitch to her...But I kinda want to spend time with her. I'm a bitch because of how much she criticizes me. I just don't think she understands how much that sort of thing kills me. My sister broke my old laptop...So mom bought me a new one. Which we really can't afford... So now we're probably going to starve because I'm a spoilt brat. I wish mom were more practical...She knows that we can spare $500 just to make me happy...Hell, hardly anyone can. I wouldn't have minded so terriably much without internet...I mean, I won't lie...I would have been sad but I would have lived.I've just felt like crying all day but the tears won't come. It seems to work that way a lot with me lately. I want to cry...My heart is breaking...But I can't. I'm really hating life...I don't know why. I don't know why. Everything is just another bad thing...Everything makes me want to scream, yell, and go jump off a cliff. Maybe it's just a bad day...Or maybe it's finally my period coming. I haven't had it in almost four months now...Which scares me. I know I'm not pregnant...I haven't had sex in more than four months...And last time I took the test it came back negative and I had it done professional. And then my love life is a mess as always...Skye wants back in touch with me...Then her friend Ginger apparantly wants to date me...And then there's David who is apparantly just too scared to get into a relationship and doesn't want to drag his drama into anything. I dunno...I just don't. I really really like David...But I don't know if I should wait around for him...Or if it's going to be worth it if I do. My heart hurts...Not like physical pain...The emotional pain that hurts just so much more.

Jan 7, 2007 at 20:40 o\clock

Stupid blah

 Blah. Just blah. Stupid David. Stupid crushes. Stupid best friend being really good friend with stupid crush. Stupid logic. Stupid truths .Stupid lies. Stupid me for not being able to believe a word any of them say. Alright, so here's the basic low-down. David called me the other night...So we talked for a while and then Audrey took the phone because she was bored and she hates when he and I talk 'forever' as she puts it. So they talk for a little...And apparantly they talk about me. Great. I love it when people talk about me...Considering how stupidly paranoid I am. So anyways, after Audrey and him were done talking, I got the phone back and he started talking to me. And he said to me, "Look, I really really like you Kat and I really want to go out with you. There's just some crazy shit going on right now that I don't want to drag you into." Then later Audrey told me what they were saying about me...Which basically sums up to that he does really like me but he's scared to get into something with me because he's afraid of getting hurt. So, yay. In a way, I guess that's his way of saying 'let's just be friends' and I should just stop hoping or whatever. Boo. That sucks. Whatever though...I've already been in a shit mood all week.

Jan 5, 2007 at 04:02 o\clock

Romance: The theme of the day.

 David frusterates me. We went to a movie today...And we were being totally playful and silly throughout the whole thing...And he told me he likes me...And...Nothing. He didn't even flirt or anything. I guess this is the time of year where everyone gets frusterated in romance though...Or so it seems from reading everyone else's blogs. I don't know why I don't just let him go...It's a silly little crush that isn't going anywhere...But I don't really want to let it go. Something about him interests me...And I don't really know what or why. Just the way he is...The way he acts...However, I wish he'd make a goddamned move! I want a cigarette>_< But I can't have one because I don't have any.

Jan 3, 2007 at 02:16 o\clock

Tired

 I'm so tired of life. I'm tired of working, of thinking, of worrying. I'm tired of smiling, of crying, of fighting, or losing. I'm just tired. No ammount of sleep seems to be enough to get rid of this fatigue that's settled into my very soul. And it's really making me a bitch. I don't even want to talk to my best friend on the phone or even hang out with her really. Not because I don't love her...It just doesn't seem appealing in the least. Nothing really does. And then love is being thrown into my face again. Valentines day is next month and everyone is going Haha, look what we have that you don't. Oh, but that does remind me. Something absolutely terrific happened. David told me that he likes me and that he wants to go out with me. So, we're going to see a movie the day after tomorrow. I'm really nervous about that...What if we can't find anything to talk about? What if it's awkward? What if I find out that I really like him and that he finds out he really doesn't feel anything for me? Yeah, it's a movie...But even so...There's the before the movie chatter, then the after movie talk....I'm obsessing again, aren't I? God, I really need to stop that. I need to instil into myself that I'm sixteen and not going to find love. That's okay, I have my pup and my bunny, that's all I really need. They love me unconditionally.

Jan 2, 2007 at 04:44 o\clock

Hate

 I hate myself so much right now. I don't even know why...I just hate myself and I want myself to go away because I know I don't deserve to live. I'm so fat, so ugly, so stupid, so idiotic...I'm just a fucking waste. I hate myself for being so fat...I'm such a disappointment. I' never what I should be...I should be thin and pretty and I should be happy and bubbly...But I'm just me. The Ever Disappointing Kat. I should just shoot myself, at least I know I wouldn't be disappointing anyone...FOr once. They all expect it.