Dec 31, 2006 at 06:11 o\clock
Dec 30, 2006 at 05:13 o\clock
Dec 27, 2006 at 06:11 o\clock
Dec 26, 2006 at 09:02 o\clock
Dec 24, 2006 at 07:23 o\clock
Dec 23, 2006 at 06:42 o\clock
Dec 21, 2006 at 22:44 o\clock
Dec 21, 2006 at 03:40 o\clock
Dec 21, 2006 at 00:04 o\clock
Another bad day. I don't know...It should have been good...I got to hang out with Audrey...Only she was flirting with Nick the whole time. And then Skye is apparantly still in love with me...And is now trying to set me up with one of her friends for some reason or another. I've just been feeling pretty crappy about the way I look lately...Maybe I'm just jealous of Audrey because everyone is telling her how pretty she is, and how old she looks, and all that. It just makes me think 'and I'm not eve worth a passing glance.'. I mean, I know I'm not...I know I'm no trophey girl...I'm a thin girl with beautiful long hair and gianormus boobs. I'm just Kat. Fat, dyke cut, barely there breats, Kat. It's really little wonder David won't ask me out...Or anyone for that matter. Then agian, I know I shouldn't substitute other people liking me for me liking me. But it helps...You know?If someone likes you then there has to be something good about you. And then when someone likes me I always turn it into this whole long ordeal about how their faking because they don't want to hurt me. I should probably start taking my pills again...But they make things worse. They give me glimpses of happiness...And then the sadness seems so much deeper because you know what it's like to feel good and you know it's not normal to feel the way you do. Honestly, I think just killing myself would be the best bet. I just hurt people..And I just hurt myself...And life isn't supossed to be purely pain. Yes, pain lets you know you're alive...But I guess I'm too alive. I haven't even been able to cry...And I don't have the energy to cut. I thought my job would distract me...But it only accentuates everything. It makes me so much more aware of the happy world everyone else lives in...And then of the world I myself live in instead. And it tires me out to the point where all I want to do anymore is sleep. Unless a miricle happens...I don't think I'm going to make it. I don't even WANT to make it anymore...It's all so fucking hopeless. I'm stuck in my stupid web of hopes and dreams and none of it is going anywhere. For every web there is a spider...But the spider knows that I'm not worth sucking the life from...Because then it would just gain my pain. No one wants my pain...No one wants to be a part of my life because my life looks good from the outside but once you get in it...It takes your happiness away and you can't get out because you don't even have the energy to. Well, I know a way out...There's only one...I just don't know if I'll do it.
Dec 15, 2006 at 04:09 o\clock
Dec 14, 2006 at 03:50 o\clock
.....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I am so happy right now...Really bipolar, but also happy! I got a date with David this Friday!! We're going to see Eragon(which I really wanted to see...I love dragons):-D That is, if I can convince someone to trade shifts with me and I can work tomorrow instead of Friday...Oh, I really really really hope so. In this moment, I'm certain he likes me. Not just because he asked me to see the movie, no that would be really egocentric...Guy friends go with girl pals to movies all the time. No, but he was also flirting with me the whole time we were on the phone and he called me specifically to make sure I was okay(I skipped school today...Too depressed to go). Or maybe he wasn't flirting and I made it up...But it sounded like flirting to me. Who cares! I get to go out with him one on one and see a movie that I wanted to see anyways...Just please God, let me trade shifts! I'd do a spell if I didn't know better...But I know not to influence people's free will no matter how much I want something. I really really really REALLY want to go...Hopefully that's enough.
Dec 12, 2006 at 06:10 o\clock
Today really should have been a good day...David told me he likes me back, I got a B on my geometry test, I got some more cigarrettes, and tomorrow is my first day on the job at Albertsons. Yet, I find I'm feeling fatalistic about everything. I really should be excited about working tomorrow...But to be truthful, I don't even really want that job...And I'm not sure I want to be working thirty hours a week. That's the same my mom works, for less than half the pay. I guess it doesn't matter now, it isn't hard work...Just bagging groceries and asking if anyone would like help out to their car. I just don't see the point in anything anymore...I start reading a book, I don't want to finish it....Not because it isn't a good book, I just don't...Or my homework assignments, I'll start it and it will be easy but if I already know it there doesn't seem a point in continuing with it. Or even conversations, it's just the same stuff repeated over and over. Am I in a rut or something? My world is constantly changing, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Nothing seems to be enough lately. I just want to know what's wrong with me...Because maybe if I knew, I could fix it. Everyone says Kat, it's because of your low self esteeme, it's because you aren't used to a school enviroment, your pills just haven't taken effect yet, you take things too deeply...No, it's not any of that. That stuff I can fix...School isn't hard to get used to, I'm comfertable with my schedual and I'm okay with the people in my classes. Pills, I could take more or I could take less or even switch if I thought it would help and not take away whatever it is at the center of my soul that makes me who I am. As for taking things deeply, I guess that's just my nature. I forget that people don't understand their words...That they don't know what they're really saying.
I just about fell to pieces today. Mom called me fat. She told me I should start eating less. I eat as fucking little as I can get away with! I'm sorry I'm a fat pig! Trust me...I wish I weren't. I'd love to be a stick thin beauty. I'd love to be anything but what I am...But I'm me. I'm this fucked up little cutter girl who sits alone in her room with tears stinging her eyes because she knows that she's losing herself to a nameless monster that she has no fucking clue how it got there. People tell me this is part of the plan, it was intended for me...Intended by who and for what reason? Why am I even here? Mom got knocked up despite her birth controle and didn't have the heart to abort me...That's why I'm here. I have no clue why I'm not dead. It's the work of an angel, or a demon is more likely. There are people who want to live so desperetly, and if I could I would gladly give my life to them so that they can. I don't see any light at the end, I don't see any knight in shining armor coming to kill the monster that has devoured my joy, I don't even have a window so that I could jump and maybe, just maybe, land safely and get away. I'm stuck here in my dark little room with no window, no time, just myself and the monster. At one time, I thought the monster was my protector, saving me from getting hurt...But now I know...It causes the most pain. I have no knight to save me, and no sword to defend myself with...The sense of doom is closing in on me fast. Suicide is on my mind at least once an hour...I know it's the wrong way...But I don't think I can keep going this way.
Dec 11, 2006 at 03:24 o\clock
Dec 11, 2006 at 00:05 o\clock
Dec 9, 2006 at 05:15 o\clock
What happens after you die? What happens if you die by your own hand? They tell me you live it over again...This life that is, until you get it right...But if you couldn't handle it the first time...What makes God think you can handle it a second time? When you get so deeply into the pain that you can't see the light...You can't reach out, you can't tell anyone. You want to, but your tongue is made of lead and the world that the other people are in seems just so far away. You talk, but your words are so empty, they aren't what you want to say. What you want to say is someone, please help me, someone notice me and all the hurt that's lodged inside of my soul. But they never do, and it seems like it's because they don't care. And then they don't notice that you've stopped going out, you've stopped talking, they don't notice that your smile doesn't reach your eyhes...They just don't look closely enough to see what you want them to see but you're so scared of them seeing. And it makes you wonder...Did they ever look at all? Did they ever see you or were you just another passing form with no meaning that stuck around. You're always alone, and you're scared to let anyone in. You're so afraid that if anyone knew, they'd know how fucked up you are and they would never talk to you anymore. I don't know if I'm afraid of death, but I'm afraid that this is the only chance I get. What if this is the only life I get? It's a waste...Sixteen years, and where am I? I've tried to end it more times than I can count...I've been so alone for most of that...I've always been the outcast. And the less I feel, the more I seem to talk. The more I just want to forget the empty void in the depths of my being..The more I just want to put something in that space to substitute for whatever is really supossed to be there.
But what's the point? What's the point in life, in death, love or hate? It's all forgotten. Your life is never going to be looked at again after you're gone, no one will care. Most the time people don't care when you're living and you might as well be dead because how can you prove you're alive if no one even realizes you're breathing? Life is hurt, and that pain is the only thing that makes sure you know you're alive...That's why I know I'm alive. At the very core of my heart...I'm hurting so badly that I'm almost numb to everything else. People talk to me, but I don't hear anything they're saying. I walk without direction, I don't even know if I'm moving anymore. I know that I'm still breathing, but I don't know how or why. My brain just won't stop and because of it I just have this incredable burning pain behind my eyes and all over the front of my head and it hurts so badly but I almost don't care because it's a welcome distraction from all the other hurt.
Dec 6, 2006 at 02:00 o\clock
I talked to Dad today, he already knew about David...Rawr. Sometimes I despise having a Dad that seems to know everything...But I'm going to see him tomorrow! I get to help decorate his Christmas tree:) He offered to let me come life with him...I want to, I really do, but I know I can't. I have Pyro...And he has his cats. He can't have a dog, and Pyro doesn't like cats. I'm not going to live the only one who always loves me behind...I just won't. I've been pretty down today...And yesterday, and the day before...Just been down in general. I don't really understand it, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I promised I'd call Audrey, so I guess I'll do that now.
Dec 2, 2006 at 22:07 o\clock
Dec 1, 2006 at 00:19 o\clock
Yesterday sucked...David,Audrey and I were on threeway talking about getting together Saturday to get holy water from a church because one of my spells went horribly awry and I need holy water to undo it, so while we were talking John just goes totally crazy. He starts breaking shit, screaming, threatening to kill my rabitt and my 'whole damn family' as he put it. Both of them heard...Not only was I embaressed I was really upset by it. So he's 'leaving' again. I doubt he actually will and if he does...Whatever. None of it matters anyways. I'm out of here in two years and that's all I have to keep telling myselfing.
However, on a happier note, I actually have something to do this weekend! Tomorrow I get drug tested and work, Saturday I'm going out with Audrey, Nick(her boytoy), and David and we're all going to get holy water and eat dinner and catch a movie. Audrey says it's a double date, I say it's a date for her...An awkward evening of me praying that by some God's grace that David feels for me the same wayu that I feel for him and will act upon it. Today was a good day though...Everyone was full of happy energy. At lunch, Jessica brought her rice-krispy baby complete with placenta and uterus and then we all got into the discussion how Rudolph(AKA Casey) was my son, Elaine was my husband/boyfriend, Theo was Rudolphs Grandma, Frenches was the drug dealer in the 'family', Jessica was the godfather, and Gustavo was Theo's wife. It was absolutely hysterical. So much fun. And in Geometry I could understand what we were learning and I got a B on a huge assignment, and I did the extra credit work without any struggles. I'm really excited for Saturday...I know it's silly and sophmoric to hope that he likes me, and completely outlandish that he would somehow let me know that he did...I'm being good about not manipulating everything into him liking me though...I don't obsess over his compliments for hidden meanings, or analyze our phone conversations....So, that's new..An improvement...I think. However, Audrey is NOT helping. She told me he likes me....Although I think she's lying or exaggerating. Whatever, not a big deal. Saturday should be fun, romantic or not...At least I'll be out of the house and get to be with some friends.