I cry through my skin.

Dec 31, 2006 at 06:11 o\clock

Fights.

 My best friend and I are drifting apart. We seem to be always fighting. I love her to pieces but she just doesn't understand. Today, it was about work. She says I'm working too much and I'm letting it controle my life. I HAVE to work this much...I need to get out of here...I need to move away. I don't let it controle my life...I just work my life around it. It's not even like I have a life...My boyfriend dumped me, and my best friend went to go live with her mom. I'm sorry I can't party on New Year's eve...I'm sorry I can't just abandon my responsibilities to go smoke or be a juvenile delinquint. Am I putting work ahead of friends? I dunno...I know where my priorities are...Mostly. Friends and love are tied, then getting the Hell out of here and doing whatever it takes, then having fun in the present...That's not the correct order is it? I shouldn't prioritize like that should I? Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter. I'd love to say I don't care...But I do. I'm really sad over this...But it doesn't matter. What a great send off to 2006...Fuck it. It really doesn't matter.

Dec 30, 2006 at 05:13 o\clock

Age=Love?

 Why do people always assume that teens can't love? Why do they assume that they can't feel heartbreak? What gives them the audacity to believe that they're the only ones who can feel love? They're wrong. They've lost their hormones, they've lost their social complications, and they've lost their useful skin...Where in that did they gain the ability to love? I understand that adults think that teens just 'love' someone because they get them going. But sometimes it's more than that...Sometimes you see two people that would give the entire world to the other with a smile and knows that they would do the same for them. Sometimes you see two people that are content simply to be together and with no one else...They're like best friends except more. That's love. Love is the willingness to fight away whatever makes your partner sad, thinking they're just as beautiful/handsome at their worst as they are at their best...Love is knowingb that forever isn't enough time to be together, enough time to act upon all your passion, all your adoration, and there are no words to say it. I know what love is. I haven't really had that type of love...But I've had love. I know I have. I'm not in love...How could I be? No one to be in love with. Just everyone keeps saying that kids can't love...And I just don't want to hear it anymore. I know I can love...And I do love...It just never seems as though I'm loved back.

Dec 27, 2006 at 06:11 o\clock

Yay

 Wow...I never really thought that anything good could really be associated with Christmas. I guess Christmas mirical is an overstatement of what happened...It's just what it implies that is the mirical. Okay, so everyone remember my makeup training and all that? Well, the lady who taught me...Her name is Ashly, called me today and offered to pay for all the supplies I'll need to become my own boss in Mary Kay and sell makeup! I know it seems little...But think of it this way...I sell the makeup, but I can also have other people sell the makeup...Cue Audrey. If I have Audrey sell the makeup then she can get enough money and we can really go to New York this Summer and she can focus on her schooling and she'll be stress free!!! I don't know if she'll go for it...She seems so unwilling to work for ANYTHING lately. I don't know what's wrong with her...But it's starting to worry me...And admittedly annoy me. She doesn't want to be a supportive friend, or call back at a more convient time, she doesn't want to look for a job, or anything it seems. She's seeming, honestly, a bit bitchy...I mean, it's great that she takes some 'her time' that she can say no I don't want to listen to your shit...Or I'm under pressure I don't want to do this right now I'll do it later. But...She's just...Not. It seems more like she just expects the world to give to her and she doesn't have to give anything back. I'm sure she's just going through a hard time is all, the adjustment to living at her mom's and everything is too much for her to handle. I'm just begining to wish though that she'd start listening and start doing what she says she will.

Dec 26, 2006 at 09:02 o\clock

AGH!

 God wants me to kill myself! He wants me to get fucking ripped off and have all my hopes smashed into fucking bite sized pieces!!!! God fucking hates me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dec 24, 2006 at 07:23 o\clock

Alone

 I just feel so alone...So isolated. It's like I'm living in a world by myself and no one can understand. No one understands why I'm so sad...Why I want to hurt myself...Why I'm always sorry...Why life is more of a burden to me than a gift. I don't even understand. It's just...I can't talk to anyone..It feels like no one is even listening when I try. No one understands...Not even Audrey and it used to be she could...Or seemed like she could at the very least. I watch everyone laugh and be happy...Everyone decide that the world is a happy place afterall...And all I can't see it. I see the world as a place of death and pain...And that's it. I hate being so alone...Probably why I want to date someone so badly. I want to feel like someone understands. But I know that's the wrong reason to try to find someone. I just want tro be able to reach out and actually feel someone there..You know? I want to stop crying by myself...Or trying to cry and not being able to. I want someone to understand...But no one seems to be able to. I used to love school...Now I find it barely tolerable. I used to want to write everyone second of the day...But now I hold a pen and all it writes are sad and angry words. Everyone tells me I have the ability to turn this around...I have the ability to make my life a happy thing...I just don't see how. I took the pills...I went to therapy...I got a job...I went back to school...I made friends...And yet I still feel the way I did 8 months ago when I wanted nothing more than to make my life end. All I want to do is tell the world I'm sorry...I'm sorry for being born, for hurting you...For making your life so terriable. I'm just so sorry...And I can't seem to make things right. And then I look over this past year to see what I've acomplished...And I see my failures. I see a girl who wound up in the crazyhouse, got dumped by a person she loved with all her heart...Turned into a slut to try to see if that could make love deeper, there's a girl who started smoking, who broke her mother's heart...There's a girl that is failing geometry...A girl who can't seem to make the grade when it comes to academic courses, there's the girl that can't see the beauty that everyone assures her is there...And there's the girl that hates her life. What did I do this year? I went back to school, and I got a job. That's it. I'm sure people would assure me this is just a place to start for the next year...But that's what they said LAST year. I don't see the light, things aren't getting any better, and I'm just wasting life. Merry Christmas...Maybe Santa can bring me a friend. A real one...That understands and loves me fully and really wants to be there(and knows how to). Then again...Maybe I should just settle for what I deserve...A big lump of coal.

Dec 23, 2006 at 06:42 o\clock

Failure

 Happy Soltice. I must have really pissed off the Goddess, given the day I've had. I can't do anything right. First I get into a fight with my best friend over work and her cell phone...Then this guy at work yells at me because he says I don't do my share of the gross work. I don't care about the gross work, just don't ask me to do it in the middle of a crazy spell when you're just going to sit on your ass and wait for me to be finished and then apologize for MY inadiquecy. Then I get in trouble because I'm saying the wrong stuff. I fucking hate work. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got caught smoking yesterday...By mom. She doesn't care, she's just disappointed. Well, you know what? I am too. I'm disappointed in myself for being such a fucking failure. I should go kill myself. I really should. SO WHY AM I STILL FUCING HERE?! I tell myself every day...Kill yourself, cut your wrists...Jump in front of that car, drink some bleach, go jump in a pool and drown..Take that bottle of pills, use that holiday ribbon for something useful so that everyone can have a REALLY merry Christmas. And yet here I am, still here. Why? What is it about death that I jusdt can't fucking do it? Permanant solution to a temporary problem?...Yeah right. I'M the temporary problem. My whole fucking life...And all the stupidity that I breathe into the air. Cut your wrists Kat, do it. You want to, you know you do. You know evberyone expects it from you anyways. No one expects you to fucking live now. You know that don't you? No one would be surprised if they found you with your final words scrawled in blood on the bathroom wall. No one. And even fewer people would give a damn. You're nothing to these people. Nothing to any of the people that you come in contact with. What's the point of even quitting smoking? No one thinks you can do it. Or at least...The only person that you really listen to doesn't think that you can. That's how much of a weak minded, jelly fish, fuckup I am. My best friend doesn't think I can quit smoking...Or even that I should. My best friend wants me to die slowly from cancer and disappoint everyone. What's that say about how loved I am? I want to cut...I smoked, I'm writing, I'm crying...And I still want to cut. I don't even have anything to fucking do it with. I hate my life right now...And I know I'm just some stupid spouiled brat who gets everything handed to her...There are people who want to be me...I'm just a stupid bitch throwing a temper tantrum or something. I'm just stupid and selfish and people fucking hate me for it. People hate me for existing...I do to. So why can't I just do it? I just need to fkill myself...IO need to stop crying and take a fucking piece of broken glass to my jugular. Kill yourself Kat, that's what they expect...That's what they want...Don't disappint them in this to. I'm a fucking failure...A fucking fat, ugly, stupid failure.

Dec 21, 2006 at 22:44 o\clock

Talking to Myself

 You're a stupid idiot girl. I hate you I hate you I hate you. All you ever fucking do is disappoint people. All you ever do is come up short. You try be perfect...You try to show everyone how perfect you are...VBUT YOU'RE A FUCKING FAKE!!!!! You're so fucked up...You're such an idiot and people try and try and try to love you but you're so impossiable to love because you just push them away. You hurt them...You destroy them. And you're destroying yourself no matter how much everyone begs you to stay. JUST FUCKING KILL YOURSELF ALREADY! Get it over with. You know you're not going to make it pass age 25 anyways...Or are you too much of a chicken shit? Are you afraid it will hurt? Are you afraid of the darkness that will envelope you afterwards...No thoughts, no nothing. Just darkness that you aren't even aware of. I hate you...You were a mistake, and ever since that you've been making yourself more of a mistake. You're a fucking mistake...So just erase yourself...You know it's for the best...You know that's the only want to fix a mistake..,Erase it, delete it, cross it out. Cross your fucking wrists and hope that there is no God because if there is you're going straight to Hell. Maybe you're just too afraid of the judgement that waits on the other side. You know you've spent your life hurting people, and good people don't hurt people. But you're just too stupid to see what you're doing and you can only see it afterwards. You're a stupid idiot. You're such a fuck up. Go kill yourself...I fuciking dare you.

Dec 21, 2006 at 03:40 o\clock

Why

 Why? Why am I doing this? Why am I sad? Why do I feel so hopeless? Why do I want to hurt myself? Why don't I? Why do I hide? Why do I smoke all the fucking time when I don't even really want to? I'm just killing myself...I know I am. I know I'm going to get cancer and die...And I know from my eating disorder I'll be an obese old person, from my depression, I'll be a pessemist, and from my views on myself I'll always be alone. So why can't I just quit? This would all be so much easier if I just had some fucking answers! But no one knows the answers./..Supossedly I do, but if I know them I'm, keeping them pretty well kept from myself. Why do I hate myself? Why do I want to go away forever? Why do I think people care? WHY WHY WHY! There are so many questions...But there aren't any answers. And even if there were I'd just want more. I can never be satisified with what I have...I always want something more...I want to know something on a deeper level...I want something to be more meaningful...Whatever. I'm just never happy with what I have. And I'm not happy with the information I have. I don't even want to smoke anymore...The light headed feeling hurts my head and cigarretes are so disgusting. So why do I do it? Why don't I just stop? I can't...People tell me I can but I can't. Not just with smoking...With everything. I can't stop thinking poorly of myself, I can't stop feeling so hopeless, I can't stop wanting to hurt myself...I just can't. I can't, I don't have the energy...i don't have the will...And even if I did...No one would care. I'm just another stupid teenager in this world. I really am. I'm another stupid girl with a fistful of whys, and nowhere to get the answers. Why am I doing this to myself? But more importantly...Why can't I stop?

Dec 21, 2006 at 00:04 o\clock

Web

Another bad day. I don't know...It should have been good...I got to hang out with Audrey...Only she was flirting with Nick the whole time. And then Skye is apparantly still in love with me...And is now trying to set me up with one of her friends for some reason or another. I've just been feeling pretty crappy about the way I look lately...Maybe I'm just jealous of Audrey because everyone is telling her how pretty she is, and how old she looks, and all that. It just makes me think 'and I'm not eve worth a passing glance.'. I mean, I know I'm not...I know I'm no trophey girl...I'm a thin girl with beautiful long hair and gianormus boobs. I'm just Kat. Fat, dyke cut, barely there breats, Kat. It's really little wonder David won't ask me out...Or anyone for that matter. Then agian, I know I shouldn't substitute other people liking me for me liking me. But it helps...You know?If someone likes you then there has to be something good about you. And then when someone likes me I always turn it into this whole long ordeal about how their faking because they don't want to hurt me. I should probably start taking my pills again...But they make things worse. They give me glimpses of happiness...And then the sadness seems so much deeper because you know what it's like to feel good and you know it's not normal to feel the way you do. Honestly, I think just killing myself would be the best bet. I just hurt people..And I just hurt myself...And life isn't supossed to be purely pain. Yes, pain lets you know you're alive...But I guess I'm too alive. I haven't even been able to cry...And I don't have the energy to cut. I thought my job would distract me...But it only accentuates everything. It makes me so much more aware of the happy world everyone else lives in...And then of the world I myself live in instead. And it tires me out to the point where all I want to do anymore is sleep. Unless a miricle happens...I don't think I'm going to make it. I don't even WANT to make it anymore...It's all so fucking hopeless. I'm stuck in my stupid web of hopes and dreams and none of it is going anywhere. For every web there is a spider...But the spider knows that I'm not worth sucking the life from...Because then it would just gain my pain. No one wants my pain...No one wants to be a part of my life because my life looks good from the outside but once you get in it...It takes your happiness away and you can't get out because you don't even have the energy to. Well, I know a way out...There's only one...I just don't know if I'll do it.

Dec 15, 2006 at 04:09 o\clock

Caring

 It's funny, I was just sitting there...I was fine, no bad thoughts or anything, and then it hit me; no one cares about me. Well, I have to say...That isn't entirely true. The ones who care about me are the one's that have their lives dependent on me. No one looks at me and sees me..They see whatever they want; homework answers, someone to talk to, help on a question, or even a source of drama. They don't see me...Who I am. It's like I'm invisable and in my place is whatever the person wants. And I'm so tired of it. I just don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to talk, I don't want to smile, I don't want to eat, I don't want to throw up, I don't even want to go to school. I just don't want to do anything. My desire for the good things in life has left me, if only for the time being. I just don't care about anything..I don't even care right now if I go to New York or not. I don't want to be with anyone, but I don't want to be alone. How can that be? If someone were to come to me right now, I wouldn't want to talk to them. But if that same someone left, I wouldn't want them to leave. Maybe it's the holiday season that's got me down. My holiday isn't exactly celebrating something joyus...The death of The Great Mother's companion. Happiness. I just want to stop existing right now...And how sharply this contrasts yesterday's ecstacy at the slightest attention given by a boy. I really need to stop doing that...Guys only give me attention because they feel sorry for me, nothing else. Or even if they're really bored. People don't like me, even if I like them. That's how it works. David just felt sorry for me because I have a stupid puppy dog crush on him and I have no chance. Not that it matters anyways, even if I did go out with him...What would be the point? We'd just break up like everyone else. Why is anyone to think that anything in this world is permanant? Most of all love? And who are we to assume we know what love is when it's defined as a strong affection for someone or something. Is that all it is? A strong affection? Than why isn't it called as such? Affection dies...Love dies...People die...And then everyone is reborn back into this world only to find themselves alone again. They know something is missing...But they don't know what. I'll just spare myself the pain in the next life and take it in this one. Who needs dead affection?

Dec 14, 2006 at 03:50 o\clock

EEEEE....

 .....EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! I am so happy right now...Really bipolar, but also happy! I got a date with David this Friday!! We're going to see Eragon(which I really wanted to see...I love dragons):-D That is, if I can convince someone to trade shifts with me and I can work tomorrow instead of Friday...Oh, I really really really hope so. In this moment, I'm certain he likes me. Not just because he asked me to see the movie, no that would be really egocentric...Guy friends go with girl pals to movies all the time. No, but he was also flirting with me the whole time we were on the phone and he called me specifically to make sure I was okay(I skipped school today...Too depressed to go). Or maybe he wasn't flirting and I made it up...But it sounded like flirting to me. Who cares! I get to go out with him one on one and see a movie that I wanted to see anyways...Just please God, let me trade shifts! I'd do a spell if I didn't know better...But I know not to influence people's free will no matter how much I want something. I really really really REALLY want to go...Hopefully that's enough.

Dec 12, 2006 at 06:10 o\clock

Failed Protecter

 Today really should have been a good day...David told me he likes me back, I got a B on my geometry test, I got some more cigarrettes, and tomorrow is my first day on the job at Albertsons. Yet, I find I'm feeling fatalistic about everything. I really should be excited about working tomorrow...But to be truthful, I don't even really want that job...And I'm not sure I want to be working thirty hours a week. That's the same my mom works, for less than half the pay. I guess it doesn't matter now, it isn't hard work...Just bagging groceries and asking if anyone would like help out to their car. I just don't see the point in anything anymore...I start reading a book, I don't want to finish it....Not because it isn't a good book, I just don't...Or my homework assignments, I'll start it and it will be easy but if I already know it there doesn't seem a point in continuing with it. Or even conversations, it's just the same stuff repeated over and over. Am I in a rut or something? My world is constantly changing, but it just doesn't seem to be enough. Nothing seems to be enough lately. I just want to know what's wrong with me...Because maybe if I knew, I could fix it. Everyone says Kat, it's because of your low self esteeme, it's because you aren't used to a school enviroment, your pills just haven't taken effect yet, you take things too deeply...No, it's not any of that. That stuff I can fix...School isn't hard to get used to, I'm comfertable with my schedual and I'm okay with the people in my classes. Pills, I could take more or I could take less or even switch if I thought it would help and not take away whatever it is at the center of my soul that makes me who I am. As for taking things deeply, I guess that's just my nature. I forget that people don't understand their words...That they don't know what they're really saying.
 I just about fell to pieces today. Mom called me fat. She told me I should start eating less. I eat as fucking little as I can get away with! I'm sorry I'm a fat pig! Trust me...I wish I weren't. I'd love to be a stick thin beauty. I'd love to be anything but what I am...But I'm me. I'm this fucked up little cutter girl who sits alone in her room with tears stinging her eyes because she knows that she's losing herself to a nameless monster that she has no fucking clue how it got there. People tell me this is part of the plan, it was intended for me...Intended by who and for what reason? Why am I even here? Mom got knocked up despite her birth controle and didn't have the heart to abort me...That's why I'm here. I have no clue why I'm not dead. It's the work of an angel, or a demon is more likely.  There are people who want to live so desperetly, and if I could I would gladly give my life to them so that they can. I don't see any light at the end, I don't see any knight in shining armor coming to kill the monster that has devoured my joy, I don't even have a window so that I could jump and maybe, just maybe, land safely and get away. I'm stuck here in my dark little room with no window, no time, just myself and the monster. At one time, I thought the monster was my protector, saving me from getting hurt...But now I know...It causes the most pain. I have no knight to save me, and no sword to defend myself with...The sense of doom is closing in on me fast. Suicide is on my mind at least once an hour...I know it's the wrong way...But I don't think I can keep going this way.

Dec 11, 2006 at 03:24 o\clock

Glue

 I'm sorry that I was born the way I am. I'm sorry that I can't cry with my eyes and I have to cry through my skin instead. I'm sorry you don't understaned the darkness, I'm sorry I can't tell you. I'm sorry that you don't believe my lies, that you refuse to let them cover the painful truth. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect, that I'm so self absorbed...I'm sorry I try to make myself invisable by not eating, to become so thin that I disappear and even though I'm not beautiful it doesn't matter anymore. I'm sorry that I try to put the pieces back together only to find that it wasn't good enough before it broke and you never wanted it...You only were angry because it broke in the first place.
 But that's the way it is, isn't it? You never wanted it, you just didn't want it to break. When it breaks, you can't have it anymore. It's not yours to controle as you wish anymore. And that's why they're so angry with me...I'm broken. I started out solid, then I cracked, then someone decided to hurl me to the floor and stomp on me and I shattered into a million pieces. They never wanted me, but they had me...So I was just supossed to be there. I wasn't supossed to break because then they couldn't have me anymore. I wasn't theirs. But I was never really there's to begin with...Because I can't be someone's if they don't want me, I refuse to be. But they wouldn't accept my refusal, they told me I was still theirs and then I got more broken and then I broke something that truely was theirs...Their illusions. They knew that I wasn't okay, they knew that I couldn't cry and there was no point in anything anymore...So they got mad and they sent me away to get fixed. And for a little while...It seemed like I might have been, but then I realize...They didn't fix me. They smothered the broken pieces with glue and told me that I was always going to be that way.
 Well, the glue isn't holding me together anymore. I'm falling apart and I can feel the cracks widening. I'm breaking, but I don't know how to fix myself...My body is crying and yet my eyes still can't. My very soul has been cheapened by all their attempts to fix me...Only to have them all settle on  'well enough' because they don't remember me without cracks and chips anyways.
 I'm not okay with well enough. I'm not okay with being bnroken. I'm not okay with any of this. I'm not okay with not being perfect, with their anger, with being owned by those who don't give a damn about me. I'd fix it, only I don't remember where the cracks first formed...Or who created them or why. Even if I did try to fix it, I'd probably just ductape the gluey pieces back together and have it so insulated that it can't feel or see and it looks just fine but it's more broken than ever.
 Although, right now...I'd settle for being ductaped, I wouldn't mind not feeling. I wouldn't just appearing alright...Right now, I don't appear alright...I appear good enough. Good enough isn't.

Dec 11, 2006 at 00:05 o\clock

Wedding Recap

 Last night was the wedding...It was fun, although it wasn't too great for my self esteeme. Everyone kept telling me how gorgeous I was, and how I need to stay on this planet to share my beauty and talents with others...It was all so empty. People would smile at me, but the smile would stay firmly planted on their lips and never reach their eyes. I just wish people would stop lying to me. David was great, he was sweet to me...Although it's more than obvious to me that the feelings I have for him aren't mutual. Audrey keeps telling me 'DUDE! YES THEY ARE! He was just shy...'blah blah blah. Just more empty words. If he liked me, he'd have at least responded to my flirting. I feel like a complete idiot. Why would I have the audacity to think that someone actually returned my affections? I know from the past that never ends well. I guess it was just wishful thinking. But whatver, I guess it doesn't matter.

Dec 9, 2006 at 05:15 o\clock

Headache

 What happens after you die? What happens if you die by your own hand? They tell me you live it over again...This life that is, until you get it right...But if you couldn't handle it the first time...What makes God think you can handle it a second time? When you get so deeply into the pain that you can't see the light...You can't reach out, you can't tell anyone. You want to, but your tongue is made of lead and the world that the other people are in seems just so far away. You talk, but your words are so empty, they aren't what you want to say. What you want to say is someone, please help me, someone notice me and all the hurt that's lodged inside of my soul. But they never do, and it seems like it's because they don't care. And then they don't notice that you've stopped going out, you've stopped talking, they don't notice that your smile doesn't reach your eyhes...They just don't look closely enough to see what you want them to see but you're so scared of them seeing. And it makes you wonder...Did they ever look at all? Did they ever see you or were you just another passing form with no meaning that stuck around. You're always alone, and you're scared to let anyone in. You're so afraid that if anyone knew, they'd know how fucked up you are and they would never talk to you anymore. I don't know if I'm afraid of death, but I'm afraid that this is the only chance I get. What if this is the only life I get? It's a waste...Sixteen years, and where am I? I've tried to end it more times than I can count...I've been so alone for most of that...I've always been the outcast. And the less I feel, the more I seem to talk. The more I just want to forget the empty void in the depths of my being..The more I just want to put something in that space to substitute for whatever is really supossed to be there.

 But what's the point? What's the point in life, in death, love or hate? It's all forgotten. Your life is never going to be looked at again after you're gone, no one will care. Most the time people don't care when you're living and you might as well be dead because how can you prove you're alive if no one even realizes you're breathing? Life is hurt, and that pain is the only thing that makes sure you know you're alive...That's why I know I'm alive. At the very core  of my heart...I'm hurting so badly that I'm almost numb to everything else. People talk to me, but I don't hear anything they're saying. I walk without direction, I don't even know if I'm moving anymore. I know that I'm still breathing, but I don't know how or why. My brain just won't stop and because of it I just have this incredable burning pain behind my eyes and all over the front of my head and it hurts so badly but I almost don't care because it's a welcome distraction from all the other hurt.

Dec 6, 2006 at 02:00 o\clock

Eh

 I talked to Dad today, he already knew about David...Rawr. Sometimes I despise having a Dad that seems to know everything...But I'm going to see him tomorrow! I get to help decorate his Christmas tree:) He offered to let me come life with him...I want to, I really do, but I know I can't. I have Pyro...And he has his cats. He can't have a dog, and Pyro doesn't like cats. I'm not going to live the only one who always loves me behind...I just won't. I've been pretty down today...And yesterday, and the day before...Just been down in general. I don't really understand it, but I guess it really doesn't matter. I promised I'd call Audrey, so I guess I'll do that now.

Dec 2, 2006 at 22:07 o\clock

Fuck

 You know what it's like when something you've been looking forward to goes awry because of something so trivial and stupid? Yeah, tonight is off because Audrey and I got into a big fight over me calling her obvlious, naive, and young. I know I shouldn't have, it was wrong of me, but I'm getting so sick of her thinking she knows everything! She says she doesn't presume to know everything, but she presumes to know more than she does. She has no clue about people...She makes it so she can't see when she needs to drop stuff, when she's pushing too hard, she can't tell when people are getting irritated, and she NEVER knows what she did wrong. She's always the innocent victum. She also can't seem to finish anything that doesn't directly benefit her, even when she says she'll do it she just doesn't and she doesn't get why people are put out by it. And just the way she looks at how her life is going to be...She always sure that she's so right about how everything is going to go...It's all going to be like a movie...She's poor and struggeling in the begining but then someone recognizes her talent and absolute amazingness and then things start getting better and better until she has everything she ever wanted and needed. I know she's my best friend...And I should keep my comments to myself...But for some reason I just couldn't. And then she yells at me and starts pulling out shit that she has no fucking clue what she's talking about. I'm not oblivious to people...I know where their lines are, where their buttons are, but just because I can't see that they give a damn about me doesn't mean jack shit. It's not like it's something so out there to say that people don't care about me...Look at what happens when I tell my best friend she's not as great as she thinks she is. And then she had to fucking push me on a day that was already pure shit. I know, no excuse Kat, you're a stuipid bitch Kat, you should learn to keep your obese mouth shut Kat...Problem being...I don't give a damn. Right now all I want to do is cry and cut and go off and kill myself and there's no reason why I shouldn't.

Dec 1, 2006 at 00:19 o\clock

Yaboo.

 Yesterday sucked...David,Audrey and I were on threeway talking about getting together Saturday to get holy water from a church because one of my spells went horribly awry and I need holy water to undo it, so while we were talking John just goes totally crazy. He starts breaking shit, screaming, threatening to kill my rabitt and my 'whole damn family' as he put it. Both of them heard...Not only was I embaressed I was really upset by it. So he's 'leaving' again. I doubt he actually will and if he does...Whatever. None of it matters anyways. I'm out of here in two years and that's all I have to keep telling myselfing.

  However, on a happier note, I actually have something to do this weekend! Tomorrow I get drug tested and work, Saturday I'm going out with Audrey, Nick(her boytoy), and David and we're all going to get holy water and eat dinner and catch a movie. Audrey says it's a double date, I say it's a date for her...An awkward evening of me praying that by some God's grace that David feels for me the same wayu that I feel for him and will act upon it. Today was a good day though...Everyone was full of happy energy. At lunch, Jessica brought her rice-krispy baby complete with placenta and uterus and then we all got into the discussion how Rudolph(AKA Casey) was my son, Elaine was my husband/boyfriend, Theo was Rudolphs Grandma, Frenches was the drug dealer in the 'family', Jessica was the godfather, and Gustavo was Theo's wife. It was absolutely hysterical. So much fun. And in Geometry I could understand what we were learning and I got a B on a huge assignment, and I did the extra credit work without any struggles. I'm really excited for Saturday...I know it's silly and sophmoric to hope that he likes me, and completely outlandish that he would somehow let me know that he did...I'm being good about not manipulating everything into him liking me though...I don't obsess over his compliments for hidden meanings, or analyze our phone conversations....So, that's new..An improvement...I think. However, Audrey is NOT helping. She told me he likes me....Although I think she's lying or exaggerating. Whatever, not a big deal. Saturday should be fun, romantic or not...At least I'll be out of the house and get to be with some friends.