I cry through my skin.

Nov 9, 2006 at 04:31 o\clock

Haha Single again.

by: CapturedMoonLight

 Guess who got dumped...Again! Wooot! I'm fucking single again. He was really bad at breaking up too. I'd laugh if it didn't hurt so much. He told me he didn't want to hurt me...That's a fucking laugh. I know he doesn't want to hurt me...No one ever wants to hurt their fucktoy...Fucktoys get mad and don't spread their legs anymore when they get hurt. He fed me all the usual lines...I really like you, I still want to be friends, I really do love you and care about you.Bull fucking shit. His reason make me laugh...Even as I sit here crying my stupid eyes out. I don't communicate well enough for him. He just couldn't get it...He couldn't accept me. Time makes me open up. Yeah, he's been fucked with not  having hold truths told to him....Well I've been fucked for telling people too much too early. After people prove it to me...I talk to them. Maybe he expected it to be like what Audrey and I have...Audrey and I weren't always like that. It took forever. Not that any of this matters...He wouldn't take the time to listen to me and accept who I was. He couldn't accept that I'm not  like the rest...But he is. Everyone runs when things start to get hard. He didn't want to work it out...It was too much work...Too much stress. I'm too much of a stress on everyone no one wants me. I knew number 5 wouldn't be the last. However, I'm mad as all Hell and hurt beyond description because of his reason. I don't communicate well...We always fight...We're not going anywhere. We don't communicate because I can't trust we fight because we don't communicate and we're not going anywhere because I won't let it. So, technically, all of this is my fault. Yay. I couldn't let us go anywhere...He didn't want to go anywhere...I couldn't trust either because I couldn't read him like I can everyone else so I couldn't gauge is reactions. Not that any of this matters. I'm single, heartbroken, and proven once again that I'm not worthy of being loved. I wish I had hope that this was just a fight and he just got mad at me and he'll call me later and tell me it was a mistake. But I know he meant it...I heard it earlier in his voice when he was talking about how his friends...Lucas and Jill, how they're so whole heartidly in love and how they never fight and how they have the perfect relationship. So I knew it was coming, we were always far from perfect. But it seemed to work...Or at least I thought it did...I never wanted perfect...I only wanted someone who'd talk to me like I was a person, not treat me like I was made of glass, and love me despite how fucked up I am. Too much to ask. I'll get a job, I'll save up my money, and I'll get the Hell out of here. I really loved him...Just hearing his voice always made me smile and every time I got near him my heart starting going a million miles an hour... I creally could have pictured going somewhere serious with him...I lied to him about it because he obviously couldn't and it would have made things harder for him. I told him I didn't see us going anywhere, which if I ever told him he'd use as more ammo for his I can't communicate and he can't trust me because of it.  I don't really intend to ever talk to him again...I can't. I gave him a part of me I swore I'd never give anyone whom I wasn't betrothed to. It hurts...But I can't.

Nov 8, 2006 at 23:58 o\clock

No Reason

by: CapturedMoonLight

 I know I don't have any reason to be depressed...I know I shouldn't feel the way I do...I know that I was taught what todo with a plate of food when it was set in front of me and what the proper uses of knives are.
 Yesterday the bottom of my world just about fell out though. I got a phone call from the clinic I went to to get the birthcontrole shot...The councler I talked to made a report about Skye. I didn't give them anything useful...Not her last name, where she lives or goes to school, nothing...So I don't think anything big will come of it. It just scared me is all. I didn't report it while we were together, or after we broke up...I didn't want to.It was a mistake...And that's it. She hurt me...But it doesn't matter. I don't ever have to see her or talk to her again. Then Dad called me and started pressing about Ken...That really annoys me. He's always telling me that my first boyfriend won't be my last...Ireally wanted to tell him that he ISN'T my first boyfriend. First was over 4 years ago...Vic. Then there was Juan, Peter,Nathan, Dustin, then my dry spell where I was single FOREVER...Lance,then came along Ken. I knew a long time ago the first wasn't the last...5th probably isn't the last either. Knowing me, I'll never get married. I'm just that lucky. 
 You know...Whenever I have the most to say...It's the hardest to say it. I'm just really depressed, and really lonely. Audrey is with her mom today...Ken's off with friends...I was supossed to go do a drama thing with Kimmy, Kaela, and Alex...But mom said no so I couldn't. I hate being alone. Not that it matters...Even if I did see someone all I'd do is retreat into my little emo world of depression and wonder if I could get away with cutting.

Nov 8, 2006 at 01:15 o\clock

Half

by: CapturedMoonLight

  I don't really have much to say or now to say it. I don't know what I'm thinking...Why I'm so sad. I feel detatched...In a different world all of my own.  Maybe seeing Dad will help...Put me in perspective. Today wasn't half as good as yesterday. I went out in the middle of seventh period crying because I got an F on my Geometry class and I'm pulling a D in the class. I'm never going to get fucking anywhere in life! I can't do something as simple as Geometry! And I'm getting a freakin C in Psychology. I'm obviously just too dumb. It's surprising that I've made it this far with my special brand of stupidity. Why not just kill my brain with drugs? Hey I'm already smoking...I'll try weed again pretty soon...Why not do some of the other shit stuff I used to do?  Or maybe I should become a full blown fuck up and go get knocked up and sell my soul for a shot of herion. I can't believe how stupid I am...I can't believe I let myself get that dumb. I'm doing well in all my other classes...WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME! It's not even like I can pull it up before grades come out...And mom will either yell or let it slide. Depending on how psychotic she thinks I am that day. I hate being treated like I'm made of glass. Criticism kills me...But I'm long dead. All my life I've never been good enough for anything...And now it's not going to change. I was so set on getting on honor roll this term... No one gets on honor roll with a frickin' D! No way I can pull a 3.0...Let alone a 3.75 like I wanted. I should just kill myself...I'm such a failure. Everyone thinks so...They just won't say it. Even Audrey says I'm behind academically. If I can't handle school...How will I handle real life? I don't care if I'm being dramatic, childish, whatever. I don't care. Grades are what people judge you on. If you don't have great grades or great looks...You're so screwed. I don't have either! I'm so ugly...I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror. Times like this I'm glad I don't live with Dad...He's so convinced that I'm a beautiful genius. How can he be so blinde? I don't know anything important...I don't know about people, about life, about things. I don't even have a good vocabulary. I can't even keep my dog from destroying things or my rabbit from running ammuck. I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not enough fo anything. I'm a subhuman. Half of a person...There's a reason why people are whole...Halflings don't make it.

Nov 7, 2006 at 05:58 o\clock

Bad Good Day

by: CapturedMoonLight

 Today was textbook a erally good day. I got assigned to a great drama group...We get to write our plays and everyone gets a great role. I got an A on my Scarlet letter assignment, and an A+ on my reading journal...I didn't have to present in History...And I actually somewhat followed what was going on in Geometry. Then afterwards I got to see Ken...And we got the birth controle thing taken care of. That really stressed me out though. I mean...I know I need to, I've always told myself I wouldn't leave it up to the guy because you never really know who you can trust(not that I'm saying this applies to Ken...It's jsut a general thing). Then we got into a bit of a disagreement...Not a fight, just a disagreement. He tried to compliment me...And I told him that it was all bullshit. Then it got kind of bad from there. I know I should have just let it slide...But I couldn't. I don't feel like being lied to. Maybe he really does think I'm pretty or that I look cute or whatever...But all I can see is how I'm growing uglier by the moment. I don't know...I've been getting more depressed lately and on top of that I quit therapy. Bad timing...Especially since I lost time for the first time in quite a while. I don't know how many of you know...But I have MPD and yeah...I've been doing so much better since Skye and I stopped talking. I haven't lost hardly any time. None at all actually. I was begining to think maybe I'd made it up...I don't know...Maybe I was just crazy and I never really lost time and I somehow did do all the things people tell me to do without knowing it. Then yesterday...I was with Audrey...And apparantly I switched out for roughly twenty minutes. It was starteling to have it happen again...It was like a movie glitch...Like you're in one scene and allof the sudden you're in the middle of a completely totally different one and you have no idea what happened and how the Hell you got there. One minute I was sitting on Audrey's bed and then the next I was holding Pyro in my arms in the middle of her living room. I guess I shouldn't have quit...But it wasn't helping anymore. I just try to find somehow who understands...And no one does. Everyone just sits there and stares and wonders what the Hell I'm talking about. Everyone just does drugs...No one cuts or burns or throws up anymore. No one else feels unsafe going to sleep at home and no one else wants to just start running and never stop. No one gets me there and I don't want to talk about things that aren't real to them.

Nov 5, 2006 at 05:54 o\clock

More

by: CapturedMoonLight

 If I wasn't thinking of suicide before...I am now. My stupid big brother wouldn't shut up about me being a cutter. He kept telling me how I'm going back to the hospital...How he'll take my room and mom will give away my dog. I know I'm being immature and irrational about it...This is the same shit that 10 year old big brothers pull on their 5 year old sisters...But he had to do it TODAY. He had to do it on the day where I've already cut once...Realized how fucked up I am and how I'm obviously not smart enough to beat my depression. Right now I just want to go down the vein and see if I'm actually smart enough to get it right this time. I just wish he'd leave me the fuck alone!!! I'm not going back to the fucking mental ward! I'm not going to let them catch me cutting...Or throwing up or not eating or smoking or any of the other stupid stuff I do. No one knows what I do who I don't want to know. He just won't shut up...He keeps telling me how messed up I am...And here I am proving him right. Sitting in a dark corner hoping no one will notice me crying. It would have been better if I'd never been born. It would have been better if I'd just been born a complete retard as a baby...Or if mom had aborted me like she wanted to. It would have been better if I wasn't here...If I wasn't doing what they wanted me to do so they could be right about me. But everyone's right about me. I'm fat, selfish, pathetic, stupid, emo, fucked up, whatever else they want to call me. I'm it. I'm going back to my room to be emo, stupid, pathetic, selfish, fucked up and fat. I'll wallow in my misery and dare myself to do it.

Nov 5, 2006 at 02:14 o\clock

Don't Care

by: CapturedMoonLight

 I cut again after over 14 days of not...And I don't care. I'm going to be completely friendless in a matter of weeks and I don't care. No one would give a fuck if I cut my stupid wrists and bled myself out and I don't care. I just don't fucking care. It doesn't matter...None of this matters. I'm not getting any fucking better...And I probably never will. My best friend is going to live with her mom and go on independent study and get a job and I'm never going to get to see her...So I won't have anyone to talk to or be with anymore. And I'm not a good enough person to go and make new friends...Real friends that I could hang out with outside of class.My boyfriend and I seem to be going downhill fast so I'll probably get myself dumped again pretty soon...And yeah, none of it matters because I'm going to be fucking dead by the age of 25. There doesn't seem a fucking point in living anymore. I'm not getting better...The meds, the therapy, trying to share how I feel...None of it makes a fucking difference. I'm still me. I still hate how I look, I still feverently wish for either death or some sort of imporvement and I'm still an ungreatful bitch for not appreciating all the great thigns I already have. I'm so close to just cutting my throat...None of this matters. And I wouldn't have to worry about killing a baby because I'm not pregnant...Which I'm unspeakably greatful for.  I just want to go away...Just go somewhere far away from myself and from this life and just stop. Stop breathing, stop hurting, stop feeling. I'm begining to think I should just drink bleach and drown in my own blood. It wouldn't matter...Mom would have more money and could quit her other job so Cassie would be happy. And she and John wouldn't fight as much anymore because I'm nto around to fuck things up. Audrey could stop being plagued by my stupid emoness, Ken would be saved the stress of having to deal with the crazy fuckup he got suckered into dating. And even school would be better...My classes wouldn't have to deal with me being there and being stupid and asking stupid questions and having to listen to my stupid opinions and answers. Everyone wins without me. And I can go burn in Hell. I don't care if this is stupid and irrational...Or if this is just a temper tantrum of a stupid teenage girl...I don't care that no one reads this and that if they do they laugh at it. I just don't. All I want right nowis for the hurting to stop.

Nov 2, 2006 at 05:01 o\clock

New Year, Same Hell.

by: CapturedMoonLight

 Well,I started off the New Year wonderfully. Audrey was in a terriable mood and didn't want to dress up until last minute and we didn't get to go trick or treating and John is moving out(again) but this time it's my fault because I called him a psycho and got angry because he kicked my dog. And Ken dumped my ass(we're back together again). I saw him today, Ken that is, and he just...He confuses me. He made me feel like shit last night...Like I needed to cut my wrists and bleed to death because of what a bad person I am...And then today he's all telling me he loves me. He didn't tellme I'm a bad person persay, just that I'm crazy(When it's said in a fight...It hurts really badly) and that I put him through more shit than anyone else he knows goes through, and that I'm not into the relationship and I want to be with Audrey more than him. I still don't understand what I did to him to make him say all that to me...He won't talk about it. He just said he's sorry, he loves me, and he didn't mean it. Doesn't he get  that that doesn't fix it? People say things in anger that they really do mean...They're just to ashamed to admitt. He really hurt me...He used the things I confided in him against me and then tells me he doesn't want to deal with me anymore because I hang out with my best friend. I know I'm missing his half of the story...That I'm not the poor victum that I seem to be, but he won't tellme his part! He just told me he had a bad day. I understand that people have bad days...I understand that they need somewhere to vent them...But it wasn't even like he was just being an ass..It seemed like he was genuinly out to hurt me.And now I'm forced to wonder...What the Hell is going on with us? We're already fighting all the time...Is it worth it? Is he really into me or am I just a fucktoy? Do I feel too strongly for him and so I misread him and he's really doesn't care all that much? I have no illusions thats he's 'Iloveyousomuchyou'rethemostbeautifulgirlintheworldandI'llneverbehappywithoutyou' in love with me. But still...Maybe he doesn't feel for me the way I think he does...I mean...I think that he does care for me...Even loves me...But to the 'Itsnicetobewithyou' point. Maybe I'm wrong about that...Maybe I'm just a toy...Or just something to fill the time until someone better comes along. I hate being so insecure...I hate even more that I can't talk to him about this...I'm having problems typing it...Wondering if I'll get bad Karmafor feeling this way...I wouldn't be able to talk to Audrey about this either. She wouldn't get it. Hell, I don't get it.
 Today, as a wonderful encore of yesterday went poorly aswell.I don't understand my Geometry...I'm too shy to speak up in English and lunchtime I was just feeling anxious about seeing Ken. I'm getting back to my breaking point....I know I should be able to deal with more shit but I can't. I can't deal with breaking up my mother's marriage, probably having to move, losing everyone and everything I care about(I wouldn't be ablt to take my dogs with me...), being an idiot, having an on again off again relationship, AND try to be the Kat that everyone has come to expect me to be. I don't why why I can't do all of it at once...I know I should be able to...I know this miniscule ammount of stuff shouldn't send me to pieces...But it does.